When you get lonely, if no one's around...you know that I'll catch you when you're falling down...

Wow I really super duper suck at updating this thing...and I'm sorry. I don't really have tons of time anymore

This weekend I got to go up to St. Cloud like usual on my weekend off....but as the weekend neared the end last night...he stated that he really wanted to do underwater welding. Although I really support him through everything he wants to do, I know if he got that job--it's dangerous and he could die or get seriously hurt, and that I wouldn't be able to see him for six months to two years. I told him that, and he's like "Well by the time I'd be working there six months or less, I'd be making enough to fly you out there every other weekend..." without hesitation. So he's thought about it. And I guess after working for like a year and a half he'd only have to work for like ten years after that and then he'd have enough to retire...sweet shit! It just makes me really worried...I know I could do it, but it would be super hard to be that far away from him all the time because it's not like Minnesota is near any oil rigs or anything! My heart can barely handle weeks, how am I going to do months?! It's going to suck, and even though he hasn't had interviews (or graduated--that's May 15th), I always tend to think towards the negative side of things. In a way, it's like I'm setting myself up for failure and then it won't hurt as bad if it actually does happen. I would rather he got something closer, less dangerous...but if he gets this, I know he'll follow his heart and take the chance, and that's okay cuz I don't want to hold him back. It just scares me. 

This Friday was the first Friday Pat's had off in a while....so I went up there in the afternoon. I got to meet his friend Burt and another friend Bronson. While at Bronson's house, he was telling a story and in the middle of it was like "Wow Pat you must have gotten lost in her eyes..." and I just smiled as Pat nodded his head. He was like "sorry, I know I was in the middle of my story but I just had to say it...I was gonna wait and just mention it to Pat but I couldn't hold it in." hahah pretty funny. That night while we were laying in bed, he said "Nicole, I think I'm falling in love with you..." because I don't think he thought I was awake, but I heard him. And you know what? I think I'm doing the same with him.....as hard as that is to admit.

Then on Saturday we went to his grandma's house, and his cousin's boyfriend was there...he told Pat I was pretty cute and that I was for sure a keeper. His grandma kept calling me Michelle....which I'm used to because a lot of people actually do that. And his mom said I could come over any time because she really likes me.

I had to leave Saturday night, but when we went to my grandma's on Sunday for Easter we passed a sign that had an arrow pointing the way to St. Cloud, and if I were driving my own car--I probably would have just went right back up there. I won't see him for two weeks now....and that sucks ass!!!!

My uncle works in the same place that Pat does, just in a different department....so he said he was going to stop by and say hi today. Haha, that was weird to find out...I hope my uncle doesn't tease him too much! lol.

On May 30th is my cousins grad party....and Pat's coming with me. I figured this would be a more relaxing setting to meet the whole family in, because I won't know a lot of the people that are going to be there either....and my family will be more spread out and whatnot. I'm excited and nervous at the same time...

Well, I'm out for now. This is a stupid post but that's okay.

Things have sure been rolling since I’ve updated on here…wow.

I got to meet Pat’s daughter, Reese, and boy is she cute!! Whenever she’s there I feel like she’s my own almost…it’s so natural feeling. She crawled into bed with us during the night and slept between us, and it was cute…I felt like we were a family, even though I know she’s not my own. I even met two of his sisters that I hadn’t met (one lives in Chicago, and one lives elsewhere) and their kids. I also met Pat’s best friend that he’s had since elementary school, Kyle, and got to go to his house (which means something cuz Amanda, who’s been friends with Pat for years, has never even been near Kyle’s house). It was a little overwhelming to meet all these people who are important in his life in one weekend, but it was okay. I apologized to him for being so quiet and also told him that I hoped his sisters didn’t think I was a bitch or something because I was quiet…but he told me he was pretty sure they understood and whatnot. So that’s good.

On the other hand, while the time I get to spend with him is totally worth it, being without him and not being able to see him often is weighing on my heart. When I first started getting more serious with him, he had gotten laid off and was just working with Kyle’s dad fixing cars after he got out of class until about 6pm-ish. If I wanted to, I could just swing up there and spend a few hours with him or stay over night and go home the next morning…but that’s not really possible anymore (until May 15th when he graduates). He’s not laid off anymore, and he works Monday through Friday from three in the afternoon until midnight. I don’t get to talk to him that much because we both have class during the day, and both work evenings…and I work every other weekend, too. It kind of puts things on hold a little bit and it really sucks, because I only get to see him every two weeks—if that. I haven’t seen him since March 28th, and I won’t be able to see him until this coming weekend—if he doesn’t have big family plans for Easter. If I don’t see him this coming weekend, by the next time I do—it’ll have been a month. Night time is the hardest time for me to face it, because that’s when I have the most time to think…which isn’t always a good thing. When I spend a weekend with him, or even just over night, it’s so hard to fall asleep alone because I get so used to having someone next to me or his arms around me. And it sucks more than ever. Sometimes I just feel like this whole thing is never going to be worth it…like I should have never got involved in his life, because at times I’m so miserable because I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks that it’s almost unreal. I miss him so much it hurts sometimes, but I think it’ll be worth it in the end…at least I hope it will be because like I said in the when I first met him—this is the boy I’m going to marry. If we can get through this, we can get through anything!!

When I first met him, I thought he was cute and really nice, but I thought since we were drinking and whatnot that it wouldn't amount to anything anyways. As I got to know him, things almost felt like they were too good to be true because I had never had someone treat me so well and make me feel like this. And now, even though we've only been dating since December--I feel more for him than I have for any other boy that has walked in and out of my life. I wouldn't necessarily call it love, because I'm slightly afraid to call it that--it's such a big step and a word with a lot of meaning when not used lightly. I'm just going to let things happen and see how they go....I hope this isn't just something that's gonna last for a little while and then disappear, cuz I don't wanna imagine my life without him.

Annndd I just got a text from him last night telling me that he doesn't work on Friday. You have no idea how happy that makes me...I had the hugest smile pop onto my face, and I fell asleep with it on. This feeling is irreplaceable.

<33 There is so much more going on, but I don't have time to update.