I wanna go to bed, but I can't fall asleep!!! I wanna talk to someone special but he dont know I like him, or that I wanna be with him...or that I fall asleep thinking of him and since I met him he's all I could think about....

            ~NiCoLe~

Guys are so confusing sometimes...girls flirt with them all the time and it's like they're blind to the fact that you like them!! I just wish I could talk to Weston more...but I either get inturrupted by a teacher, or I think too much about what I'm going to say and the possibilities of what he COULD say and then I don't do it....why??? cuz I'm a shy girl when it comes to guys I like. A lot of people tell me to "just talk to him" but it's not that easy for me to do when I like him. I'm so confused tho...people say he likes me by what he does and then on Friday I was talkin to my friend Amanda and she told me that she didnt wanna go to her first hour, and I told her that I'd rather go to her first hour because the person I like is in her class...and then out of the blue she just goes, "Who, Weston??" without even pausing or hesitating...he's the first one she guessed...So either he said something about me or said my  name and she overheard, or shes just sychic or something...I don't know but I'm so confused about it and I don't kno what to think. I smiled at him before 3rd hour on Friday too, and then the rest of the day he kept smiling at me whenever he seen me ((GOD HE HAS A CUTE SMILE!!!)).....I don't know if he's just being nice or what. My friend Stephanie told him that I like him when I talked to her about him 2 weeks ago, and now whenever we can work in partners in one of my classes he sits near where I am....I told that to one of my friends and they told me that he wants me to know I have caught his attention and that I should get to know him more and talk to him more. It would be so much easier if he had IM. I WISH HE WOULD JUST ASK ME OUT OR SOMETHING IF HE LIKES ME....I know he's more of a quieter person like me, but I don't mind, and I'm sure if he got to know me better that he would like me....What the hell am I waiting for though?! I always seem to hold back, and never tell a guy that I like them, and then I get my heart broken before I even get a chance with them and they don't even know why I'm sad in the first place....grr I hate this....I don't know what to do....

   I went to see Cursed today with my friends Trivia and Emily....I jumped at least 10 times!!! It was a good movie...I'd go see it again. It was scary and I like that kind of movies...only I wish that someone special was there...

   I've thought about him all day...even when I was watching the movie....I don't know how to say anything, I get toungue-tied when I'm around him and freeze...I had no school today, and I'm kinda glad, but by the end of the day I'm ready to go back cuz I wanna see him again. I miss seeing him, and I miss his smile...I know I'm not his girlfriend, but whenever I see him laughing/talking with another girl I seem to get jealous...it hurts so much, and I wish I were that girl...someday I will be I hope...and someday I wanna be the one he goes to with his problems and laughs with at dumb things...I wanna be the girl he points to when he's with his friends and says, "That's her." I know I'm probably wishing too much, or hoping for a fairytale to come true.....but right now I guess all I really want is to be with Weston...and not have to go from happiness to sadness in the blink of an eye and not get out of sadness that easy because I'm too busy thinking about things that shouldn't be on my mind, and taking over what I'm supposed to be doing. Last night I cried for him, actually had tears coming down my cheeks for him...I know he'll never know it, but someday maybe I won't have to cry over him....someday maybe I'll be his forever...I don't know. I jst know that I miss him...and I miss seeing his smile when I see him in the hallway even when he's with friends. I wonder if I'm the person he's thinking about right now too...or if I'm the one he's wishing for tonight. Tomorrow I'll talk to him for sure, because I'm sick of living life wondering what could have been or who I could be with...I'm sick of being happy one minute and sad the next.....

xoxNICOLExox

Weston is such a cutie!!!...and he has the most ADORABLE SMILE ever!!! I had a dream last nite about Weston...I don't really believe in dreams most of the time, but I really want this one to come true!! When he smiled at me when he walked in the door at school today, my heart just about popped out of my chest...I just wanted to run up to him and give him a big hug and kiss...but then I remembered that I wasn't his girl (YeT), so obviously I didn't. I should just go talk to him more than I do, but I don't know what's wrong with me, cuz I don't....maybe I'm scared, I don't know. Last night, I cried myself to sleep because I was thinking about how much of a fool I am because I'm not doing anything about how I feel...and I kept thinking about what it would be like to be his girl, to spend time cuddling or just being in his presence. If I'm so upset about it, I know I should just do something about it, but I don't seem to know how to whenever I try. Today I DID talk to him, but not for long because my spanish teacher told me to turn around and be quiet....teachers always seem to inturrrupt me when I start talking to him...THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

~ ~ ~ ~I can't sleep tonight, I'm too busy thinking about you, about us. I really care about you, and I'm so terrified that if I tell you my true feelings that I would scare you away. So I hold my feelings in and I write them down, and I hope that one day soon you'll feell the same way...~ ~ ~ ~

                   I wanna be that girl he's s c a r e d to lose,

     The one he [ can't ] walk away from kn0wing she's mad at him,

The one he can't fall asleep without her v0ice being the last one he hears,

    --> The one he wouldnt kn0w w h a t...t o...d o...w i t h o u t...

*~*WeStOn I lUv YoU, bUt YoU dOn'T kNoW iT yEt....*~*

G'nite people....Luv always~~ NiCoLe

   GRRRR...it seems like everyone in my family is mad at me right now...I can't seem to do anything right, of course the reason might be that I'm the middle child, but I don't know. As soon as I got home it was bitch at Nicole time....I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!!!!!! Life sorta sucks right now because all I seem to do is try my best and it isn't good enough for my parents....the only thing that keeps me from leaving this place forever are my friends....Trivia, Hayley, Rebecca, <3 Weston, a few other friends, and my cousin Jordan....I couldn't just leave them in a world of pain..they're the people I get up in the morning for each day, and I couldn't live without them..if they weren't here then I obviously wouldn't either, because without them-my world would just fall apart.

   Okay...on a happier note----I talked to Weston a little bit today, but it was to only ask him a question, and then I had to go to class :(. I saw him at lunch today (cuz he has my lunch), and he was with his friends, but he turned his head in my direction and smiled at me....it left me with a wave of emotions that seems to take over whenever he smiles at me or even glances in my direction and makes eye contact with me. At confermation tonight he looked at me A TON...I'm thinking that all this looking he's doing is implying that I'm hott, or I'm ugly or something...I don't know. This is probably the hardest I've fallen for a guy since 5th grade...and it's a different feeling than I've EVER had about a guy. I'm ALWAYS thinking about him, and what it would be like to be his girlfriend...**SiGh** if only it came true...

   Haha, today when me and Rebecca were walking back from lunch, she had a half a carton of milk cuz she was gonna finish it and then throw it away...and she wasn't paying attention to where she was going because she was looking back at a clock...and she ran into a wall and got milk spilled down her shirt and a little on her pants. IT WAS SO FUNNY...I LAUGHED SOOOOOOOO HARD!!!

I wanna be that girl he's s c a r e d to lose,

The one he [ can't ] walk away from kn0wing she's mad at him,

The one who he can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears,

===> The one he wouldn't kn0w  w h a t..t o..d o..w i t h o u t......

Well....g'nite people....Leave some luvin...

~*NiCoLe*~

   Elk River Elks played the Tartan Titans tonight....man it was a close game, I was yelling at the TV almost the whole time! I wasn't happy before because of my dad, but I'm not much happier now, it was an awesome game---even though we didn't win...it was SOOOOOOOO close!!!!!!!

1st Period- Tartan has 3 penalty's but Elk River doesn't get a shot. NO SCORE!!

2nd Period- Elk River scores with 14:21 left on the clock. ER gets penalty and scores during their penalty. Tartans score with 7:47 left on the clock. ER gets second penalty, and Tartans score. ER gets third penalty, and Tartans score AgAiN..not good. Tartans get a penalty and ER gets no goal.

3rd Period- Elk River SCORES, and ties it up!! Tartan scores with 1:10 left on the clock. Elk River almost gets a goal with 30 seconds left on the clock...but it gets blocked :( .

FINAL SCORE- 4-3...Tartan

    It was such a good game...we played hard and so did they, and even though we didn't win I still think that we did a GREAT job!! I give credit to both teams for playing hard and trying their best and not giving up when it seemed like there was no chance---they still kept fighting strong!! Good Luck Tartans tomorro against HOLY ANGELS...it's gonna be a good game to watch.

   Well, Weston was still on my mind all day...even though I didn't get a chance to talk to him today, which sucked major ass :( . Oh well, there's always tomorrow...or should I say today? WISH ME LUCK!!...I want him soooooo bad it hurt so bad when I saw him laughing with these 2 girls that have lockers by his...I just wanted to go up to them and tell them to get away from him or something, but yeah--that woulda been a little over-done, and woulda caused too much drama, and he's not mine so it wouldn't have mattered to him anyways....

~*Nicole*~

   Elk River boys HoCkEy coulda gotten at least 5th place, but they lost 5-4 in overtime on Friday against Bloomington/Jefferson. It sux, but at least they made it that far, which is pretty good considering the girls team lost the first 1-2 section games and didnt get very far...but then again all their good seniors graduated last year. I watched ALL the games on Friday night (semifinals), and then the 2 that were on on Saturday (CHAMPIONSHIPS). Waroad Warriors won against Totino Grace Eagles for the A state Championship in double overtime (70 min n 38 seconds...the longest game in A championship for like 10 years or more). Holy Angel Stars wone against Moorhead Spuds 6-4 for the AA Championship. Holy Angels girls won state hockey championship 3 weeks ago too....thats so awesome! I just wish I could play hockey, but my parents won't let me cuz it "costs too much" even tho I OFFERED to pay half or something, they still won't let me play. This is soooo stupid---they won't let ME go out for the hockey team, but they told my little sister that she can join ANY sport she wants to when she gets into the highschool ((INCLUDING HOCKEY))!! IT'S FCKING NOT FAIR AT ALL!!!! I'm not even going to go into the whole not being treated fairly thing again...I don't want to and I'm sure you guys don't care anyway.

   Weston has been on my mind ALL weekend, and I couldn't seem to do anything to get him off my mind except when I was watching hockey. It seems like I can't do anything but think about him...and I can't even have a fcking night where I don't fall asleep crying or thinking about him or even dreaming of him...I don't understand how I can be this far deep when I'm not even his girl. I know all I'm gonna do is get hurt in the end if I don't make a move myself, but I don't know how...I don't know what to say or what to do. It's all too complicated I guess. OMG on Friday he was at his locker before 5th hour, and I just wanted to hug him and tell the girls he was laughin with to back off but I'm not his girl, so I can't do any of that...and I can't claim him as my guy unless I do something about it, but I can't get past a hello for some dumb reason. THIS SUX!!!! I NEED SOME HELP....ne one got advice on this issue??????????

   Hey all!! I was happy before first hour and when we were in the locker rooms changing for gym i was all smiley (which isnt usual for me) and people kept askin me "Why are you so smiley" and yeah I don't even know why I WaS so smiley...maybe because I got more sleep....I don't know....it was even weird for me lol.

   YAY!! Today in spanish we had to work in groups because we had just finished watching Selena, and we had to "discuss it" and I got in the same group that Weston was in, and I was soooo happy....I talked to him a little. It's better than nothing...right??? Ha, he smiled at me again and I just about melted lol....I'm in way too deep!!

   Well, g'nite, I gotta go get some Z's....sweet dreams everyone!!!

~*NICOLE*~

   Every day I wake up wondering what's gonna happen that day, how much my parents will treat me different, or how much I'll wanna give up. I fake a smile or happiness a lot at home...it's like I don't belong there or something--I'm TRUELY happy at school with friends, or with other family other than my immediate. It's like I don't fit in with them, because at times I can be totally different than anyone in my family...I hate it. They don't know how I've wanted to die a few times in the past year or two..felt like crying from the pain they've put me through, felt like dying of the thought of no one understanding me and the pain. My friends and some of my cousins/aunts/uncles are truely what keep me here...if I give up on myself then I'm either giving up on the world, or leaving behind and giving up on everyone that actually cares...I AM happy for real a lot, but then there are a lot of times when I'm not--most of the time when I'm with or talking to friends is when I'm happiest...I <3 you guys!!!!

   I don't know what to do anymore about everything...okay, about Weston. I like him a lot, and it's hurting me. The deeper I fall--the harder it is to let go, and the more it hurts. I told myeslf that I wouldn't ever let myself fall this hard ever again the last time I did this to myself---and look where I am now...in the same exact place. I know I'm not the most perfect or prettiest girl, but once you get to know me--I'm the type of girl you don't wanna let go- the one you want to be with forever. I'm so sick of falling for a guy and finding out they're everything I DON'T want, or they like someone else...usually prettier than me. Believe me--I know I'm not that pretty, but all I'm asking for is a fcking chance--NOT FOREVER!! I don't wanna live every waking up to what if?'s, how come?'s, and why didn't I?'s...or falling asleep thinking the same things. I'm sick of every day wondering "WhAt If?" and faking happiness when I'm at home sometimes....all I'm asking for is a chance, and a guy who'll love me for me, even if I don't size up to other prettier girls. I don't want to give up on him, or having a chance with him, but I kind of do...I don't think I deserve him, and I KNOW there are way prettier girls out there (like Samantha), that are better than me. I'll never be popular enough, I'll never be pretty enough, or even be good enough for him...

   Well, goodnight I guess...I had to vent somewhere...I need some advice...or help or something...

          ~*NICOLE*~

   Okay, so Friday people got to leave early for this Cast Away thing that was through my church and everyone who's gone has said it was sooo much fun, but my confermation group didn't get the info about it cuz our teacher is dumb so I had to hear it from the people who were going that go to my school...well I knew Weston was going so I wanted to go REALLY BAD but by the time I found out about it, it was too late to even try getting to go...I COULDA SPENT A WHOLE FCKING WEEKEND WITH WESTON!! Dammit it pissed me off!! Well, on friday before he left in third hour (spanish) he kept looking at me like he needed to get a good last look at me before he left  or something, but I don't know. It seems like he likes me but I don't know what to think at all...I wanna know if he does but I don't wanna seem desprate or anything cuz that's just not me. He got his hair cut too (lol, yes Hayley he did...you'll have to judge it when we next have mass hehe)!!!!!...it looks good but I liked it when it was longer better, I don't know because I didn't get to see him long enough to really check it out lol. He's just so darn cute!! I want him so bad, and he's all I've been thinking about. Sometimes this all feels like a dream, like my feelings for him are all fake and that this isn't happening....but I know it's not a dream for sure.

   Haha I'm gonna wear a skirt tomorro and I'm gonna freeze my fckin ass off!! haha it's gonna be great, but oh well---it's a new skirt that I got last weekend and I wanna wear it so I'm gonna lol.

   Grr I hope that fat kid don't ask me out, cuz my sister and evryone else thinks he likes me...not gonna ever happen!! ICK!!!!! jeesze jst thinkin that makes me not wanna wear the skirt lol...sad.

   Well, I gotta go get some ZzZzZzZz's now...so talk to ya lata!!

</3    love ya all---NiCoLe

   Grr, I'm so mad, and my left knee hurts when I walk on that leg sometimes. I don't know how/if I hurt it, but it cracks all the time in gym, and hurts a lot...like right now. I've told my parents about it at least 10 times in the past 2-3 weeks (it's been hurting for 2-3 months), and they just blow it off...it's like they don't even care. Don't they realize that that's how Megan's (my 6-yr-old cuzin that got diagnosed with cancer in August, n lost her mom to cancer 2 yrs ago March 28th), cancer got found (she hurt her knee and kept complaining for 2-3 months)?!?!?!? I'm scared n I don't know what to think...now that her and Terry (Megan's mom---my aunt), have gotten cancer, I take things into more precaution than I used to, n I prolly shouldn't, but I can't help it. Now that two of my relatives have cancer or had it n died (theres more than two that have had it but the thing wit Megan n Terry jst happened in the past two years), I'm scared that I'm gonna get it..scared that I'll be the next one to go...........scared I'm gonna die...

   WooHoo!! I was soooo happy ALL day because I finally got to see Weston after a long weekend of doing nothing cept thinking of him. I'm gonna have to work on talking to him more if I wanna be his girlfriend...and soon. Why'd he have to be so cute tho??!! This is the FIRST guy that's my age that I've liked since 6th grade (they've all been older)...because guys get more mature after girls do, but he's different---not like the rest of them. Hopefully when I get to know him he's the same guy he seems to be rite now, cuz evry time I've fell for a guy this hard I find out that he's either everything I hate, he's a jerk, or has his eye on somebody else already. This time if I work on it, I could actually get the guy I want...hopefully!!!

   Here's a poem I found that I like, I don't know where I found it, but I fell in love with it because it totally describes how I'm feeling to the EXACT pinpoint!! Here ya go::

Confused

My knees start to shake,
When you're in sight.
My mind is filled with wonder,
My heart with fright.
When will this feeling stop?
When did it start?
How can I listen to my mind,
Without breaking my heart?
I'm so confused,
What should I do?
I can't think of anything,
Except you.
Should I just ignore you,
Or just give it time?
I can't think straight,
My heart controls my mind...
   ~Anonymous

Well, g'nite all....leave some luvin!! Sweet dreams everyone!! :)

     <3 Always~ NiCoLe

   Tonite I feel like everything is going wrong...people keep bitching at me at home for things I don't do...and now my left knee, left hip, and kneck hurt...what good is all this to me?? ITS NOT!!  I don't feel like myself tonight, and I feel like this is a dream...I don't understand how I can go from being a happy little girl to a someone who could care less what happens to them at the moment, and be thinking "Sometimes I wonder what the FUCK happened to me?!" That's how I feel at this exact moment...I wish I could just find a way to be happy again like I was this summer...maybe I have this winter-depression thing, I don't know....I want summer back again so I can be happy and warm...not cold and angry. I don't feel like I'm normal, I feel weird---like something has just changed in me in the past week....Hopefully seeing Hayley tomorrow at confermation will help--she always knows how to cheer me up even if she's having a bad day...oo yay I get to see Weston too...maybe sometime soon this cold snow and weather will go away and there will be sun and warmth, and I'll be more happy and stuff....I kno I don't always act sad or w/e but sometimes I am...and lately it seems like I'm sad a lot but I seem to hide it from a ton of people...

   I hope tomorrow is a WAY better day....today it's like someone flipped the switch and I did a 180 in emotions....Tomorrow I promise I'll be happy...

~*NiCoLe*~

   Grr, I'm so pissed at myself for falling so easy and hard...When I saw Weston in the hall today standing by Samantha I felt like shit..even tho I know he's not going out with her and doesn't have a girlfriend I still got jealous...and that's stupid of me. I'm so dumb sometimes. It's like I'm living a life from the outside looking in sometimes..and I don't like it at all.

   Here's a poem I wrote today...some of it's about this whole thing with Weston, some of it is about someone I liked in the past, but smushed together it sounds like I'm talking about one person.

I Can't

I can't say I'm not jealous,
I can't say it's not true,
I can't say I'm not
Falling head-over-heels for you.
I can't say I'm not sad,
I can't say I don't care,
I can't say I won't cry
Yet another tear over you.
Every day you're on my mind,
On my mind until I cry.
I've got to be able to find
The day when I'll be happy.
Every day I see you with some girl friend,
And you think I could care less about it.
I can't keep pretending
When every time you're with her I want to cry.
Walking down the hall hand-in-hand,
Flashing me your heart-breaking smile.
I want to slap that girl,
Hurt her as much as she's hurting me.
Your quietness seems like a mystery to me,
And your comments a charm.
Someday I'll make you mine,
Someday when she's gone...
You ask me if I'm alright,
And I tell you that I'm fine.
Your smile fades away,
As you search deep into my eyes for the truth.
I can't let him see,
I can' t let him know
How much he truely means to me,
How he breaks my heart into a million pieces.
But I can't say I'm not jealous,
I can't say it's not true,
I can't say I'm not
Falling head-over-heels for you.
And I cant say I'm not sad,
I can't say I don't care,
I can't say I won't cry
Yet another tear over you...

   Well..what do you think of that?? I came up with it when I was in English because we're watching a stupid movie and I got bored and wrote that poem...I gotta go get some ZzZzzZzzZzZzZzZ's now tho....g'nite!!!

<3 Amor Siempre!!!

Nicole

    okay, well here is a few poems that I wrote...I'll post more, but I'm not gonna post all of them cuz i have like 50 of them...just some of the good ones in the past year....but here's a few for now!!

    okay, well here is a few poems that I wrote...I'll post more, but I'm not gonna post all of them cuz i have like 50 of them...just some of the good ones in the past year....but here's a few for now!!

    OMFG...I'm sooo happy, and I have been since 3rd hour, and I can't hide it because it just made me so happy...its shocking, cuz I don't think I've posted very many happy entries in here, or been this happy for a while. Well here's the reason why::::::: My friend Stephanie and I were talking online last night, and she asked me how Weston was, and I told her he was still cute as ever...and she said he was after school and that she shoulda said something about me but she didn't even think about it til after she left, and I said I shoulda stayed after school too since I didn't wanna go home anyways...but then she told me she'd say something to Weston about me or w/e..so at the end of Spanish (3rd hour) she mouthed "Do you want me to talk to Weston right now?" to me, and I mouthed "I don't care, whenever you want to." and then she walked to his desk, and here's what happened::::

Stephanie: hey
Weston: hello
Stephanie: So..you know Nicole right?
Weston: Yah
Stephanie: What do you think of her?
Weston: ***Face gets beat-red and he can't look her in the eyes*** I don't know...
Stephanie: Well, what should I tell her then?
Weston: Just tell her you didn't ask me or something.
**BELL RINGS!**

She came up to me after that, and told me and she said that he always looks a person in the eyes when he talks to them, and he didn't when he was talking to her..which means something, right? And then  she said "Just go for it! Ask him for his number or something.." and I said "Yeah...cept I'm chicken too." and then we talked for a little bit, and I said "He seems kind of shy..." and she goes "Yeah, he's a shy little bastard..but he's so cool" and yeah then we started laughing. I don't know for sure what the convo with him means, but me and Stephanie both think he likes me...if he does he's too shy to do anything about it because he's a chicken...just like me, but I don't know.

    Well, tell me what you guys think...I gotta go pack tho..I'm goin up to my cabin this weekend, so I need to get my shtuff packed....

<3 Siempre~ NiCoLe

    haha yeah, I've been happy ALL weekend, and I'm surprised no one has ruined it for me....and as of now 10 people have told me that they think he likes me after I told them what happened on Friday. I like being happy, and I probably would be if I wasn't such a chicken and jst did sumthing about how I feel...like askin for Weston's number or something, but yeah....I'm shy.

    Well that's all I gotta say for now, because I really don't know what to type, because I have nothing to complain about lol. But I'll post more a different night, so sweet dreams everyone and g'nite!!

~*NiCoLe*~

    Okay, FUCK HAPPINESS!! I was fucking happy til exactly 5:30pm last night! I said ONE thing to my dad and he totally spazed out and started YELLING/SWEARING at me. I seriously thought he was gonna hit me--that's how close to my face his fist was. He's just like "You know what?! You've had a fucking attitude lately"....((BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS N SWEARING)).....and then "I could just about punch you right now!"  and he walked away. If he would just take one look at me and pay ONE speck of attention to me lately he'd notice that I've been HAPPY....but he doesn't care to notice ever--so what's the use of being here if no one fucking cares?! I haven't even said more than 100 fucking words to him for a week!! So how could I have an attitude?!...especially when I've been happy?! They fucking all ignore me when I try talking so I've kind of not said anything to my parents because they don't pay attention anyways. They treat me like I'm just a peice of shit in the toilet or like I'm the most worthless thing in their lives right now. Just 15 minutes before my dad yelled at me he kissed me on the cheek, hugged me, and told me he loved me....how could a dad say he loves his daughter and in 15 minutes make a complete turn-around and make her feel like the most worthless person in the world?! He always makes me feel like shit, and he's the reason sometimes I wanna die...like right now. I seriously want to leave forever...and NEVER come back!!!! I think the reason I never want to go home is him....I can be totally happy until I get home from school and my dad walks in the door....i know it's only sometimes but just once in thw weeks or whatever can screw up my whole month. I'm NEVER sad at school, I'm ALWAYS happy when I'm with friends....and whenever I have a problem I can always go to Trivia or Hayley...they always know how to cheer me up. And when I have a friend ofer he's so nice compared to when I don't have anyone around. So maybe since my mom told him I can have a friend over this weekend he'll be nice again....or maybe I'll be gone by then...FoReVeR...

    I'll update again tonight when I come on, but I just had to vent and stuff.....ttyl LoVe Ya!!!

    ~*NICOLE*~

    Today--I swear the only thing that made me happy was knowing I could wake up and go to school...and see Weston. His smile brightens up my day and makes me all smiley, but today the smiles were bigger for some reason. If I could juse have him as a boyfriend and get the luxery of hanging out with him, I'd be the happiest girl...just one chance with him would make everything better...make everything okay again. Weston~~even though you don't know it~~I secretly love you and everything about you... <3

    Here's some things I found that I really like....enjoy!!!!

I wanna be the one he's s.c.a.r.e.d to lose,
The one he [can't] walk away from kn0wing she's mad at him,
The one who he can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears,
--> The girl he wouldn't know ...w h a t...t o...d o...w i t h o u t...

One day you'll come to me and ask me what's more important:: You or my life. I'll say you, and you'll walk away from me never knowing that you are my life...

If I could hold a star for every time you made me smile, I'd have the entire night sky in my hands... ((SO TRUE..WeStOn))

When I'm not with you--you're all I think about, but when I'm with you--I feel like I'm not holding you tight enough...

When I first met you I was agraid to like you, when I liked you I was afraid to love you, and now that I love you I'm afraid to lose you...((I just wish you would realize how much you mean to me, Weston!))

I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were here. I'm sorry, I just can't help myself; I fell in love with you!!

You can close your eyes to things you don't want to feel, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel.

The first time I saw you I knew it was true, I'd love you forever and that's what I'll do. You don't know what you do to me--you don't have a clue. You don't know what it's like to be me looking at you!

I can't sleep tonight, I'm too busy thinking about you, about us. I really care about you, and I'm so terrified that if I told you my true feelings that I'd scare you away. So I hold my feelings in and I write them down, and I hope that one day you'll feel the same...

[Every time she laughs]
She hopes he is watching
Not so he see's she is happy,
But so that maybe..
Just maybe..
He'll fall for her smile
Just as hard as she fell for his...

You might not be his first, his last, or his only. He`s cared about someone else before and possibly will again, but if he cares for you now, then what else matters? He`s not perfect and you aren`t either, and the two of you will never be perfect, but if he can make you laugh at least once, hold onto him & give him the most you can. He is probably not going to quote poetry, he might not be thinking about you every second of the day, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you can break. So don`t hurt him, don't change him & don`t expect more than he can give. Don`'t over analyze, smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he`s not there.

I saw you with her today and as I watched you with my fake smile, I could hear my heart break and I could feel it being torn apart, Because it was then that I realized that I am truly just a friend and that's all I'll ever be... ((That's how I feel when I see him with other girls..even though I know he's single!!!))

    Well, g'nite everyone....only tomorrow and then I get THURSDAY, FRIDAY AND MONDAY OFF....woo hoo, no school and more sleep....but the bad thing is that I'm happier at school than I am at home which is pretty sad...oh well though. G'nite, sweet dreams...hope you liked those things that I liked lol that made a lot of sense hehe.

<3 Amor Siempre ~ Nicole

   Well today was going great, and then in Spanish I think Stephanie told one of the biggest loudmouths in our grade that I like Weston...and if she did then the WHOLE school is gonna know about it by Tuesday. I mean it's not THAT big of a deal, but I kind of don't want everyone knowing about it, cuz then it makes me feel like I'm living with my cuzin and going to her small school where everyone knows everything about everyone. Okay, so I looked at Stephanie (who sits next to Anthony--loudmouth), and I was gonna go over there and talk to her, but then she said something to Anthony, and he looked at me, then Weston, then at me again and smiled as he looked back at Weston. I don't know what that means coming from him, but I guess I'll just have to live it up when I go back to school on Tuesday when the whole school knows about it and everyone comes up to me and asks me if I like him. I don't know if that's a sign or anything, I'm really not sure about anything right now...

<3 Amor Siempre ~ Nicole

    Haha I thought of things after I posted that other one lol. I just thought of this::: so far I have nothing to do all of our TINY "spring break." I got nuthin to do tomorro thru Saturday, n then sunday I'm goin to my Grandma's for Easter and stuff, and then Monday I got nuthin to do again.

   Grr, I got my mind all tied up with confusion...does he like me? Does he not? What should I do? haha I told my friend Lee about Weston, and I said that he was a skater (so is Lee), and he's like "Everyone should fall for skaters..." and now he keeps telling me to ask him out....well I'm a chicken so I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but so is Weston, so I don't know if it's going to go anywhere...I will get up enough courage soon enough though...someday.

    Well, that's all for now, but I'll proly post some more later if I even get online lol.

<3 Nicole

    Grr, I'm on "spring break" for today, tomorrow, and then we have monday off (but I think everyone does), and I have nothing to do except go to a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon, and go to my grandma's house on sunday for Easter, and then sit n sleep n do nothing. And since my lil sister had a friend come over today I couldn't go to the movies with Mary because when she called my parents were gone and they didn't want my little sister wrecking the house while they were gone. So basically the first day of "spring break" has sucked..... 

    Oh man, I wish I could just go back to school right now, because then I wouldn't be bored, and then I would be able to see Weston...I miss him so much, and I need to tell him how I feel sometime soon becaue otherwise I have a feeling I'll give up and get hurt. I wanna be his girl so bad!!!!!! Why can't I let myself tell him? I don't understand it at all, I mean I can talk to him some times and other times I can't get a word to come out....its so complicating, it's like I'm letting him take over my brain or something, I can't stand it anymore!!!

    Well, I gotta go now, but I'll talk to you all later I guess.....

<3 Siempre~
   NiCoLe

   Well, so far spring break has sucked ass!! I couldn't go to a movie yesterday because my sister had a friend over and my parents were gone. Today, I have a doctor's appointment at 3 and it's gonna suck because I hate getting physicals! GRR...Nothing to do and I should be hapy that it's spring break but I'm not, because I keep thinking about that special someone, and its making me mad...I should go to the skate park today but I don't know if he's gonna be there so nevermind... SCREW SPRING BREAK!!...cuz it really sucks right now...!

   Grr, why am I so fcking shy?? I can't get over my shyness and it's making me hurt. I know I should tell him how I feel or whatever, but I can't bring myself to do it for some reason. It puzzles me how I can really really really like a guy but not be able to do anything about it because I'm shy. The bad thing about this is that Weston's really shy when it comes to that to, so it's not good. I seem to get hurt almost every time I fall for someone because I don't have enough guts to tell him myself...I'm stupid...

   Hey, yeah I'm bored and I got nuthin to do cept think about Weston...and how much of a fool I am for not doing anything....I'm wasting my time on something I'm not gonna do, and I wish he would but he's shy too...so I guess we're not gonna get anywhere unless one of us makes a move and gets over the damn shyness.... :(

There's [always] gonna be that one person you wish you could be with, even after knowing he doesn't want to be with you...

Don't let somebody be your everythiing, cuz once they're gone you'll have nothing...

I hate knowing you've changed, I miss you so much. It tears me up knowing you don't look at me as the best friend I used to be to you. No matter what, you'll always be mine!

I think the only reason why people hold onto memories so tight is because memories at the only things that don't change when everything else does...

My head is saying, "WhO cArEs AbOuT hIm?!" but my heart is saying, "I dO..."

Have you ever wondered what hurt more...saying something and wishing you hadn't, or not saying anything and wishing you had??

Why am I so afraid to lose something that's not even mine??

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them and knowing you can't have them...

I hide a broken heart
Behind a laughing face,
And even though I said I'm over you,
No one will ever take your place.

Just when I think it's as good as it gets,
You go and (_*->> make it better<<-*_)

You have three choices....
Give in....
Give up....
Or
Give i your all...

Beginnings are scary - - endings are sad
It's the middle that counts the most,
So don't look so hard for happy endings...
Cuz you might miss the
[ BeSt ] [ PaRt ] [ Of ] [ ThE ] [ sToRy ]

LiFe without you is like a b|r|o|k|e|n pencil....((NO PoInT))

,- - - - - - - - - - -»«- - - - - - - - -»--»,
: isn`t it funny --> how when u want :
: it the most u can`t have it? & when :
:u have it u don`t care, & once u lose :
: it You'd do anything to get it back... :
`- - - - - - - - - - -»«- - - - - - - - - --»`

Knowing that I can't have you only makes me want you more....<\3

to her he's everything but to him she's just another girl

:..the only thing that has ever made sense to me was you..

It finally hit me that you didn't care when you walked away and never l o o k e d back...

I could fill a thousand pages -- telling you how
I feel and you still wouldn't understand. </3
So I'll just leave without a sound except...
my heart ;; s h a t t e r i n g  as it hits the ground. x3

Always listen to your heart, because even though it's on your left side and its always right...

Well, I'll be gone for a while, talk to you later peeps!!

    Okay, so my day was fun and so happy....I was having a great time with my cuzins and stuff since they're all under 5 and it was great...but then I came home and got online and my cuzin told me that my great-uncle Tim tried killing himself this weekend, but thank God he didn't succeed. He has a cyst growing in his brain and it has been doing fine, nothing else has screwed up ((YeT)), and he didn't like the way life was going so he was going to shoot himself. His family had to remove all the guns from the house....but just the thought of him wanting to kill himself made me get tears in my eyes. The next thing that went wrong is that I started talking to my friend Trivia, and it turns out that she got in another HUGE fight with her dad and he said that she should just leave, so she's proly gonna move to Charles City, Iowa.....this makes me soooo sad. I'm drowning in my own tears at the moment, and now having my great uncle want to die and my bestest best friend move away is the worst thing that has happened since my 6 year old cuzin got diagnosed with cancer in August. I feel like going away, leaving with Trivia so I don't have to go through any more pain, but I know I can't do that because my parents and the rest of my family wouldn't let me. Tomorrow is the 2 year day of my aunt Terry's death from cancer...it's not going to be a good day at all. And another thing that could go wrong is that my kneck and knee pain could turn out to be cancer or something and I could die.....with my luck it'll b sumthing bad like that. Sorry that I'm so sad and depressing today, but in a matter of 10 minutes my whole world fell apart into pieces....I was totaly happy until I got online...and now I feel like shit and like I wanna crawl in a hole and never come out.

   G'nite everyone....hopefully tomorrow is better for you than it's gonna be for me....

~*NiCoLe*~

    Some people often wonder how you can feel so lonely or how you can be happy one minute and totally sad the next...well it's so easy to do. The people who don't get sad very often are probably the ones who live "perfect" lives without bad things happening to them, or they're really pretty and skinny and they usually arent' insecure about themselves or what other people think. My parents wonder how people get so lonely taht they think suicide is the only way out---but it's so simple, because nowdays it's changed since they were younger...it's not the same at all! They don't notice that I get treated differently from my sisters, but yet two of my aunts and some of my cuzins notive it a lot. I guess they don't really realize it because I fake a smile and happiness a lot of the time at home.When I'm truely happy is when I'm with friends and cuzins n aunts (not immediate family). My dad inturuppted me last night when I was answering a question that he asked me and started yelling at me for no reason...I was explaining something and he just started yelling/swearing at me. I'm so sick of this!! (())Triv--take me to Iowa with you!!(()) I need to get out of here before I take my own life. At least if my parents find me dead they'll regret it....when they find me in the kitchen laying face down in a puddle of cold, and y body is as stiff as a board with a knife in my hand...they'll have the rudest awakening, and they'll regret how almost every night one of them yelled at me for sumthing stupid...my little sister will blame them forever and she'll be sad or even depressed for a LONG time...my older sister won't even have a simple clue as to why I did it, and she'll not be sad after a week. To be honest--I think my Grandma's, cuzins, friends, and aunts would be sad longer than my older sister would be. Too much has been going on in my life that hurts me, and I've been SOOOO stressed...my parents don't know how fragile my feelings are at the moment..

    I don't think I'll ever be good enough for Weston. I told Steph that on Sunday night, and here's how the convo went::
Me: I'll never be good enough for him...
Steph:  Nicole, if anything--ur too good for him!
Me: Yeah...how?? you know how many prettier girls he could have if he could choose...there's SOO many prettier girls than me...
Steph: NO THERE AREN'T! and no one else wants him..
Me: ....except me...
Steph: yeah...YOU
Me: but i dnt even kno if he likes me for sure...
Steph: he never said no...he never said yes
Me: thats the problem
Steph: that you don't know for sure?
Me: yeah of course
Steph: that's what it's all about though...taking risks
Me: yeah but im afraid of rejection...ive never been this held back
Steph: who could reject u?
Me: weston...the only one i like
Steph: i can't tell you for sure that he wont, but i dont think he will
Me: mm hmm
Steph: just go for it!
Me: yeah rite, me...nicole lyn fuchs...going up and asking a guy i really like out....uh huh
Steph: just do it!
Me: first i gotta b more confident n not feel like my mough is parylized
Steph: just say wats on your mind
Me: LOL tht would b weird..."ur hott" n "I like you" and "i'm a fool for not talking to weston..." that would sound really odd
Steph: LOL yea it would

   Well, that's all for now, but maybe I'll be more cheered up next time I come on here...

<3 Amor Siempre ~ Nicole

  Well, today was way better than the rest of the week...I guess being with friends helps a lot when you're bummed...and mine have a tendency to make me one of the happiest girls when I'm with them. I get all smiley and giggly and like to have fun...especially when I see Weston...that makes my day. I want to say something to him about how I feel or talk to him more, but it feels like my mouth is paralyzed when I try spitting words out and nothing that makes sense comes into my mind....it's retarded, I know. I feel like I'll never be good enough for any guy sometimes, like I'm not ever going to be what someone wants. I mean I like Weston A LOT, and I THINK he likes me (I'm not sure), and I know there's a girl named Samantha who's prettier (well she looks A LIL like me), and skinnier, and everything...shes got a great personality and she's not afraid to show her true self. I don't understand why he wouldn't like her in the first place, but I don't know for sure if he's got a gf or anything...who knows--he could be going out with Samantha....but I asked Stephanie and she said he didn't have a girlfriend because he was "too shy" and hadn't asked anyone out this year. For all I know he could be looking at me cuz I'm ugly. I'll never be good enough...

   OMG today was so scary! We had to go swimming for gym, and it was fine when we were walking to one of the middle schools, and then when we were walking back it was POURING outside and thundering and lightening...and me and Alicia got into the school and our jeans were soaked. I was walking not normal (with my legs a lil spread apart cuz the water was cold on my legs) and she's like "Nicole, you're walking like you got a stick up your ass!" and I'm like "yeah that's cuz the rain that splattered on my pants is cold! and you're walking the same way, Alicia!" and then we laughed. Then I was walking to my locker to put my bag wit my bikini n towel into my locker and there's this huge window thingy in "C" building, and it lighteninged and the windows litterally shook, and I was 10 feet away from them and I jumped big. It was scary...and then we found out that our parkinglot got struck by lightening, and so did the top of the school. Grr I was sooo cold because after the rain started to dry it made me sooo cold, and I got the chills...it sucked.

   Well, I'm gonna go for now, gotta get some ZzZzZzZzZzZz's...

<3 Amor Siempre ~ NIcoLE

   Sorry, forgot about this in my other blog. Okay, so tonight in confermation we had to ask the Priest questions and stuff, and one of the girls asked if it's okay to be afraid of death, and honestly I am....I don't know why but I am. And he said that its wrong to be afraid of death, but its okay to be afraid of how you're going to die and stuff. How can it be wrong to be afraid of death?? I've had a lot of people close to me die in the past 5 years, and I'm beginning to become afraid of death and the afterlife, and how I'm going to die. I just don't understand why it's so wrong to be afraid of death. I'm just a teenager and I've got my whole life ahead of me, and the thought of dying and leaving everyone behind me and stuff just scares the hell out of me. Another one of the questions someone asked was that is there a signal before you die because her grandpa died and before he died he wanted the nurses to clean up his room and he didn't eat supper (and he was a man who loved food), and he said goodbye to everyone. It kind of shocked me to hear that because my aunt did almost the same thing before she died---she told her friend to take good care of her daughters and make sure her husband is always okay, and help them to be happy, and tell everyone that she loves them, but she had to go because it was just her time.....it kinda creeped me out at first but I seriously think it is a sign from God or something. The priest told her that there was no signal to the person dying when they're going to die, but I don't think he's right....I think there has to be some kind of signal for some people or why would they do that, right??

   Well, that's all for now, but if I think of something else I guess I'll post more lol.

~*NIcoLE*~

   Today was okay..I know for a fact that it could have been way better...but it wasn't and I can't do anything about it. I've been down for a while, and I cried in the shower...this sucks sometimes.

   Trivia went to talk to the counselor today, and her mom has to come in with her tomorrow morning to talk with her and the counselor that she has. So she might be moving to Charles City, Iowa....I don't like that she might be moving cuz then my only best friend that goes to my school will be gone, and I'll have no one here who understands what I'm going through with this middle child thing...and it's not like I'll be able to call her all the time like I can now, because it'll be long distance. I know it's probably selfish of me, but I don't want her to leave....I've become so close to her in the past 2 years, and I don't know how I could deal with her being gone...things just wouldn't be the same without her. I want her to be happy, and not be treated badly by her dad, but at the same time I want her to stay here...or go with her but I know my parents wouldn't let me go with her down there. I'm gonna cry so hard if she moves, because I'm afraid that she'll move and we'll drift apart and end up like me and my friend that moved last year---not talking very often. She says that she won't let it happen like that, and I know she'll make it not happen cuz she's just that way, but I guess I'm scared it will end up like that...and I shouldn't be. I don't want her to do anything she'll regret, or lose friends she has here...I just know that if she's gone then it won't be the same in my life...I don't know how long I can go without her, because right now, she's one of the people I wake up for in the morning, cuz I know even if I'm having a bad day she can make it all better by just saying one thing. I'm just all fcked up right now, because I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this, and I probably seem like a selfish little bitch....

   On a better note--Again, I saw Weston and it cheered me up...I almost had a real conversation more than 5 words with him, but then a stupid teacher told me to go sit down---how dumb. We also got new seating charts in my 6th hour class (the other class I have with him), and I looked at the chart after the teacher set it down on a desk after he called off the first row, and of course Weston was one in the first row...well I saw my name in the second row, and it was over a row and a seat forward from him so I'm like "YES!!!" and then I realized that where I sat was on the OTHER SIDE OF THE CLASSROOM from him...again. But I'm going to ask to move because the girl who sits behind me wiggles the WHOLE hour, and the seat that I wanted to sit in is occupied by this girl who's stuck up and snotty and she has friends all around her--once again that means tons of talking for her...so I'm gonna ask the teacher if I can possibly switch with someone or her.

   Well, I guess that sums up my day...hopefully tomorrow is better than today was...

~*NICOLE*~

   Today was good....until I woke up lol jk...that was frm Freaky Friday. I wanted to say I am VERY happy, but I'm not...I'm just happier than I have been this week...but maybe that's because I only had to deal with my parents for an hour and a half....so they had no time to yell at me or make me angry/sad. Today when I was in government (class I have with Weston), my friend Victor was doing this thing with a string that makes it look like the string is going through his kneck but it really isnt and another one that makes it look like its going through your wrist, and Weston didn't get how to do it and I was laughin at him..haha it was fun. He was like--in awe of it, like he'd never seen something like that before. I don't know where he went to school, but the elementary school that I went to taught us string tricks and stuff...it was just funny, but I guess you had to be there. But to see Weston confused and stuff and laughing at himself because he didn't get it/laughing with me and Victor, it was great!

   At 7:30 this morning Trivia had to go into the counselor's office with her mom to talk to the counselor, and her mom basically told a bunch of lies and the counselor took her mom's side. So as of now, Trivia isn't moving---I'm happy because of that too but I didn't find that out until after school. She's thinking of getting herself emancipated tho, so I think she's going to do anything to get away from her dad...and I would too if I were her because her dad is so mean, but I just don't want her moving that far away, ya kno?? Well, at least for a few more weeks she's going to be here...yay!

   That's all folks! haha, I'm in a happy mood for once lol. Leave sum LOVIN'...make me feel special lol I'm kiddin--you don't have to if you don't want to lol.

<3 Amor Siempre ~ NICole

   I honestly don't know anymore...I DO want to say something to Weston, I want to tell him how I feel, and that I want to get to know him better/hang out with him. I just don't want rejection, and I don't want him to turn me away...I really like him, and I'm not sure how to say it to him without sounding stupid. Emotions are spinning in my head like crazy, banging into each other like rain falling on the road. I want to say something but it's like my mouth is paralyzed when I try saying something--I guess I don't want to sound stupid and mess up. I do want to be his girlfriend soooo badly and it's making me hurt and my heart is breaking...especially when I see him with other girls even tho he doesn't have a girlfriend, but it still makes me jealous and it hurts so bad to see him happy with tons of other people but he doesn't even have a clue as to how I feel inside. I'm so dumb. School's almost out, and I guess this is the only chance I have...unless next year but I don't know if I can hold on that long...GRR I'M SO DUMB RIGHT NOW...I CANT BELIEVE I'VE LET MYSELF FALL LIKE THIS AND FOR SOMEONE WHO I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I HAVE A CHANCE WITH...IM DuMb!!!!

   This is kinda sad, but I found it somewhere, lol I can't remember where---but I like it:::

A girl and a guy were speeding over 100mph on a deserted road on a motorcycle.
Girl: Slow down, we're going too fast!! I'm scared, and I don't want anything to happen!
Guy: Come on, don't worry. I know what I'm doing. Your having fun right?
Girl: NO...please stop. I'm really scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I LOVE YOU! Now please slow down!
Guy: Give me a hug.
*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Can you help me out here? Will you take my helmet off of me and put it on you? It's bugging me.

In the paper the next day: A motorcycle has crashed into a building--break failure. Two people found, but only one survived.
The Truth is: Halfway down the road the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug him for one last time. Then had her wear him helmet so she would live, even though it meant that he would die.

    I like these too...I guess I'm caught up in the whole "love me" thing....I don't know, but I just like these:::

   ((WeStOn))          

   Well, I'm going to go get some sleep now, but I'll post more some other night...

<3 Amor Siempre - Nicole

   I got my computer fixed, so tonight I'm going to re-download AIM and the latest version of msn...woo hoo, I can finally talk to my friends at night again!! lol I'm a dork.

   This weekend was boring...Friday I did absolutly nothing because my parents went to a party and my sister had a friend over so I had to make sure they didn't trash the house while my 'rents were gone...yesterday we got our computer fixed and I had to go to church because my parents made me, and then we did nothing the rest of the night. Today, my uncle came over and installed this virus thing, and now I'm here doing absolutly nothing and I'm gonna have to go out to eat with my family..not fun at all. But oh well...in 2 weeks I'll be home again, and I'm NOT staying home because of some dumb thing like my sister having a friend over because I've had to do that the past 2 weekends and it's getting old fast.

   I'll post more tonight probably, but I gotta go cuz my mom needs the puter...she always inturrupts me.

~*nicole*~

   Today I started Drivers Ed classes after school so I can get my permit...and I have to sit for 3 extra hours after school. Monday thru Thursday for this week and next week, and then the week after that its only for Monday and Tuesday...((10 days not including Fridays and the weekends..)). My butt was hurting after an hour and a half of sitting...it's gonnna be a long 2 1/2 weeks...especially when I have confermation both the weeks. So that means on Wednesday I'll have to sit for around 9 hours at school and then come home, eat, and then leave and sit another hour to an hour and a half at confermation...how fun...NOT!! This is going to be a VERY boring week for me...

   So yesterday I saw Marquette again, and I still think he's hott but I haven't talked to him since September and I was really starting to like him then  but I got over him. I like Weston a lot more than I EVER liked Marquette, but just seeing him triggered something inside me. I'm not going to NOT like Weston until I've waited too long and I just can't hold onto something I know I'll never have, ya know?? Well, I'm not going to like Marquette just on looks, and I'm not going to like him while I still like Weston, and that's just not going to change. I mean--I liked Marquette a lot, like a lot a lot...but then when I couldn't talk to him for a while I just got over him...so I guess I never really liked him as much as I like Weston. I should just make a move with Weston, but it's so hard to do...

   Well, g'nite....sweet dreams all!!

~*NICole*~

   Ugh, today I had drivers ed from 3-6 and it sucked...it was so boring! I already drive somtimes at my cabin...but that's illegal and it's not like I'm driving in a city anyways. It just sucks sitting for another 3 hours AFTER school...but I gues that's what I gotta do to get my license, right? Well, I still don't like it either way.

   Weston is so hott...and his smile is sooo adorable. Hayley hasn't seen his REAL smile..only one he puts on for the camera (Cast Away pics), but his smile is way cute! I want him so bad...

   I gotta go get some zzzz's tho...so g'nite!

<3 Amor Siempre ~ Nicole

   Ask me 4 questions, and I have to answer them completly honest...I can't lie. If I do--I'm sure someone will know lol. DO IT!!! I'm bored, and I want something to do...so ask away.

~*NIcoLE*~

...I'll write more later tonight...

   That's a song...I don't like country, but that's part of a country song..what a shocker!!

   Wow, all I did all weekend was think about Friday...I talked to Weston a little bit in Government...haha I still remember the whole thing like it was yesterday. That's kind of sad..but o well. It's getting easier to talk to him, but it's still kind of hard sometimes, ya know??

   Well, I'm gonna go nite-nite...g'nite everyone...

~*Nicole*~

   OOOH I forgot to say this in my first blogs today...I got a car on Wednesday...well actually my parents bought it but it's mine when I can drive!!! YAY!! It's a green '93 Toyota...and its awesome...I just wish I could drive it right now...it's in perfect shape and it's pretty nice. Now lets just hope I don't crash it when I get my license....like my sister rear-ended a truck 2 months after she got her license...I don't wanna wreck it!! LOL.

   I don't know about this whole guy thing anymore...every time I fall for someone, I seem to get in deeper and deeper every time...and then it gets harder and harder to get out, harder and harder to let go. Over time it just seems like I fall in so deep, and then I get sick of waiting for things to fall into place and I have to let go and move on. I'm getting sick of doing this to myself, and I don't know how to stop myself from falling like this. Soon now I'll start to give up on Weston too...because I'm not brave enough to do more than talk to him and tell him that I like him, and he's too shy to do anything...exactly like me. I can't belive how much I've hurt myself...but I don't know how to stop. I'll just have to give up on finding someone to love for a while. I'm so sick of this!!...I've hrt myself many times and it's never because a guy has broken up with me..it's because I'm not brave enough to take things into my own hands. I can't just give up on guys though, I know because I've tried, and every time I try to not like someone for at least 2 months some guy comes barging into my life and I fall head over heels for him. I mean--I still like Weston a lot, and his voice, smile, or just seeing him still makes my heart do flip flops sometimes, but how long is this going to go on before I get hurt TOO badly and not by him?? I'm so confused...guys don't know how to give a girl a simple signal as to if they like them or not--they're so confusing and very hard to figure out. At first it was just a physical attraction, but now it's SO much more...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE--I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN!!!!

   On a happier note--I actually have something to do this weekend when I'm not going to be at my cabin!! lol. On Friday, at around 5pm, I'm going to Mary's birthday party, and coming home on Saturday at around noon. We might go to a movie Friday, but she's not sure yet. It'll be fun either way though!! Now all I have to do is find her a perfect gift...and remember to brung my camera and take lots of pictures! Hehe, this will be a great weekend...or at least a great few days!!

Every time she laughs
She hopes he is watching
Not so he sees she's happy,
But so maybe...
Just maybe...
He'll fall for her smile
Just as hard as she fell for his...

I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I feel and you still wouldn't understand <3. So I'll just leave without a sound, except my heart as it hits the ground...

   Well, I'm going to go for tonight...g'nite...<3 or <\3...hm, which one do you think I feel tonight?? lol you don't have to answer that.

<3 Amor Siempre ~ NIcoLE

   Okay, where did Ryan go and why can't I read the message he posted to the one I put on his site??? This is making me mad...I wanna know what he said...oh well, I guess he doesn't want ne one to read it or he just canceled his mindsay, but that makes me mad...hopefully Amanda didn't hurt him too bad...

~*NICOLE*~

   Soo...my knee has hurt for 2 DAYS straight...and pain medication doesn't work at all! It really hurts..bad. I'm beginning to think my family doesn't care, because when I tell my parents about it they don't say anything--they just change the subject. You'd think that if pain medication doesn't work, and this stuff to put on it that's supposed to take the pain away for a while doesn't work that they would get a little suspicious or something...ya kno?? I mean--that's how my cuzin Megan's cancer was found...her knee hurt after she fell off her bike for 2 months, and then she went in and they did a scan n everything and found out that she had cancer. How can they NOT care?? They must be in denial that my knee hurts or something, and they don't want to take me to a doctor cuz they're afraid it'll be cancer...like me. But I actually wanna LIVE...not die from cancer because my parents didn't care when I told them my knee hurt (been hurting for the past 3-4 months now), and they just didn't care or anything and then the cancer spreads or something...I don't wanna DIE!!! I have so many dreams and goals ahead of me to  look forward to...I can't just let it all go now...

   Haha, in drivers ed today me, Tammy, and Jordan (REALLY NICE..he goes to Rogers), were talking and stuff almost the whole 3 hours (well whispering and making comments)...it was so much fun! It was cold today in the whole school, and I didn't wear a jacket because I thought it was going to get warmer as the day went on so I didn't wear a jacket to school and I only had a t-shirt on....well Jordan had a jacket on and we were supposed to be working on our packets and I just whispered that I was cold behind me, and Tammy and Jordan sit in the row behind me...and then Jordan said he was too, and Tammy goes "You (pointing to Jordan), and her are both cold...get together and create some friction to warm up!" lol it was soooooooo funny...but I guess you kind of had to be there to get the whole thing. Yeah, we have tons of good times in drivers ed, but I don't think the teacher likes me very much cuz I'm always laughing or whispering....lol I have him for science and I don't talk that much there, but I do in drivers ed...its great--I bet he just thinks I'll magically stop one day.

   Haha, I was going to put something else...but I can't remember. Hm...o ya, here's a few things that I made up::

~You took my heart, with no intention of giving it back...

~Smile like you've never been hurt...Laugh like you've never had a reason to cry...

   Ohh dangit...I forgot the other ones...I'll have to look for them cuz I can't remember them right now. But anyways...I'm gonna go now...leave some luvin!!

~*NICOLE*~

   Okay, so tonight I had church and of course I was a little happier than I had been before I got there (cuz today I SAT for TEN HOURS..school, drivers ed, and then confermation), because I knew Weston would be there. Well he was talking to Samantha, and of course I got a little jealous because she's prettier than me, and I know she could snag him if he would let her, and all I could do was watch them whisper across the isle...so I was thinking about giving up on him because I didn't know what to do in that situation. Well just when I was about to tell Hayley that I was going to give up on him...it was time to "give each other a sign of peace" and I shook some peoples hands around me, and then looked over at him (not expecting anything at all), and he looked straight at me, smiled, and gave me the peace sign before Samantha and Hayley even got a glance from him. It made me feel special, and not like giving up. He also looked at me a lot during church, and  once Hayley goes "do you still like him?" and I said yeah, and she goes "he's kinda cute..and he keeps looking over here" and I'm like "yeah that's what I've been trying to tell you--he's VERY cute!"...it was funny. It always seems to happen that way though--I'm to the point where I want to give up and then he does one thing and that makes me change my mind. I don't think I ever wanted to really truely give up in the first place, but I think I was just doing that so it wouldn't be so hard when school ends and I can't see him til next year...unless I give him my number or get his. I WANT HIM SOOO BAD!! WeStOn--I LuV yOu...

   Today is the third day in a row my knee has hurt...it really sucks running in gym...and it hurts so bad. I'm getting kinda scared because that's how my cuzin's cancer got found--she hurt her knee falling off her bike and her dad took her to the doctor and they found a tumor around the artery that leads down into her leg in her pelvic area. My parents don't even seem to care...don't they realize that it could be ME next?? Maybe they're just in denial, but it sure seems like they don't care if I'm in pain...oh well..I guess I'll just live like I'm going to die tomorrow and try to make every day count as one of the happy ones...just in case.

   Hehe, this is a cute thing I got from someone::

All I really need to know--I learned in KiNdErGaRtEn

-Share everything.
-Play fair.
-Don't hit people.
-Put things back where you found them.
-Clean up your own mess.
-Don't take things that aren't yours.
-Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
-Wash your hands when you eat.
-Flush.
-Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
-Live a balanced life--learn some, think some, and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
-Take a nap every afternoon.
-When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
-Be aware of wonder::Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup::the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
-Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we.
-And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all--LOOK.
-Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.
-Take any of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all--the whole world--had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with a blanket for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess...

   Well, Imma go nitey-nite. G'nite...LYL!!!
<<33 Amor Siempre ~ NiCoLe

    Okay, so today I was walking around school with Trivia and we saw Weston come into the school with his skateboard, and she asked me what kind of skateboard he had, and I told her that I didn’t know but I’d ask him. So we got talking about him, and she wants me to become either really good friends with him or be his girlfriend…lol it was funny, but I guess you had to be there to hear how she said it. I kept thinking about asking Weston about what kind of skateboard he had all day…but I never really got the time because he came into the classes I have with him right before the bell rang or I was in the middle of telling someone else something. I kind of figured that him and a few of his friends were going to the skate park after school since that’s the reason he brought his skateboard last time…and I was right! Well, after school I was walking down to the other end of the school with Trivia and Emily, and I saw Weston and I’m like “I was right---he is going to the skatepark!” (he was just standing with a few friends and then started walking when we were almost to them), and Trivia and Emily were trying to see what kind of skateboard he had by looking at the bottom…or at least trying, but he kept moving it (we were walking right behind them), and looked like complete dorks. So I just spoke up “Weston!”…and I proly should have waited because he was in the middle of telling his 2 friends something, but he turned around and smiled and said “yeah??” and I’m like, “What kind of skateboard do you have? They want to know.” And I pointed to Trivia and Emily. Weston slowed down and walked right beside me…wow I felt REALLY special, and proly smiled really big, haha. He said what kind it was and I didn’t hear him but Emily and Trivia did so they got their answers, and then Trivia goes, “Mine is better than yours, I got a FLIP one…see she’s wearing my sweatshirt..” and she pointed to Emily. Weston goes “You skate?” and she goes “Yeah..” and he’s like “I didn’t know that.” haha its kinda funny cuz he has no clue who she is. But anyway, Trivia goes “Good thing Nicole knew who you were…because we would’ve looked pretty stupid if you turned around and saw us” and then we all started laughing. There was a little more, but I don’t want to type it lol. It was great!!! It’s getting easier to talk to him, and the more I do it makes me like him more. Then when my sister came and picked me up from drivers ed, I saw that there were people still at the skatepark (it's across from the highschool), and I'm like "I wanna go there sooooo bad....only cuz I know who's there..."

    Enough for now, if I forgot anything there will be another post later....

~*NICole*~

   Wow, Mary's birthday party was a lot of fun...specially eating cake and then staying up til 4am and waking up at 9am....it was a long nite, and surprisingly I'm not tired. But before I even left to go to Mary's yesterday, it was about 4:30pm n my dad goes "When are you leaving?" and I said I didn't know n asked him why and he goes, "Because I'm trying to get you out of the house," and I just walked into my room for a little bit cuz I was kind of pissed and I didn't want to talk to him after he said that. Then when I went out to get my pj pants from the dryer, he asked me if I was going to have fun, and I said, "Yeah, because I won't have to listen to you" and he just looked at me all weird, and I said "Karma's a biotch now isn't it?" and yes biootch is how I said it otherwise I would get in trouble for saying it the real way. Then I went into my room, and I came out to get something to drink, and my lil sister looked at me all sad when she notices me being treated differently, and I just kept walking and got my drink and went straight into my room until it was time to leave to Mary's house. When I got there though I was happy again, because I didn't have to listen to him. Haha, we went to a movie and all of us (Mary, Trivia, Emily, Kayla, Erica, Me...and then her mom drove), fit into her car with Erica on Mary's lap in the front and Emily laying on top of me n Trivia's legs on the way there, and then on the way back Trivia layed on top of our legs. These guys were telling us to go away when we were waiting for Mary's mom to come get us from the movie theatre, so I had the idea of having her mom pull up in front of them so they could see how weird we really were by getting into the car....we proly looked like clowns climbing into one of those lil cars. But it was SOOO fun!!

   I've thought about Weston SOO much in the past week, it's unreal. I don't think I've thought about him this much before, so thinking about him 24/7 is kind of weird...everything seems to lead back to him somehow. But oh well...I gotta get him to like me (if he doesn't already), cuz I want him so bad, and a lot of people tell me that we would make a good couple...so I'm hoping this happens soon....I LOVE WESTON!!

   I found this on some other girl's website, so I stole it because I liked it...:::::  

When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind.
When a GIRL looks down,
It means shes uncomfortable.
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine.
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying.
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention.
When a GIRL wants to see you everyday,
She wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL says "I love you",
She means it.
When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,
She has made up her mind that you are her future.
When a GIRL says "I miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that.
When a GIRL is jealous about other people seeing you more than she does,
Its because she loves you and misses you so much.

   Isn't that just cute?! I liked it a lot, and a lot of it is the truth. But yeah..no one has ruined my happiness, so everything's still all okay. I'M SO MAJORLY HAPPY STILL....AND I WANT WESTON SO BAD...AND I HOPE HE'S WISHIN ON THAT SAME BRIGHT STAR...

*niCOle*~

    Haha, for once I actually had a good weekend--with only ONE fight with my dad...it was amazing! Friday was Mary's birthday party (TONS of fun!), Saturday I just hung out with my 10 year old cuzin at my house (her 'rents dropped her off cuz they went to their friends house for the day), which wasn't all that bad cuz she's so funny, and today I went to Hitched with Trivia. We walked around town for an hour, went to the movie, walked by the skatepart (to see if Weston was there--which he wasn't :( ), and then to my house. It was fun....it was great...lots of good times!

    Ugh, I've thought about Weston literally ALL weekend long...I don't understand why I think about him so much..okay, so I like him bunches and bunches, but how come I think about him CONSTANTLY?? On Friday when we (the 6 girls at Mary's party), went to The Amityville Horror, I kept on thinking about what it would've been like if he were there, and tons of other things that had to do with him. Every day when I see him it makes me fall for him more and more...it's a good thing it's getting easier to talk to him. It's kind of pathetic when whenever I see him talking to Samantha, Stephanie, Jackie, or Molly (HaTe HeR GuTs!!!!), I get soo majorly jealous--and I shouldn't, but I do. I know I like him a lot, but I shouldn't be getting this jealous...or should I??...Is it normal?? Well, every time I'm bored or even talking with friends I seem to think about him, and he always comes up in the convo or in my thoughts..sometimes my thoughts revolve completly around him. It's pathetic--I KNOW--but I can't help myself from liking him..it's impossible for me at the moment. I miss him when he's right beside me or far away...I even miss him when he's  not mine. It's kinda sad, but hey--what can you expect, right? This is a great feeling to be in 'love' but it would be better if he felt the same way I do...I want him to fall for my smile the way I fell for his...him to fall for me the way I fell for him...have him love me the way I love him....

GOING CRAZY...BY NATALIE
Ever since the day you went away
And left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same
Oh baby no
When I looked into your eyes
The moment that I let you go I just broke down (down)

Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again I would sacrifice
'Cause the feelin that I feel within no other man
Would ever make me feel so right

It's nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And I miss the way you hold me tight

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

That's right baby
Im goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you it's been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
Can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me
And you want me
And you miss me
And you love me
I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
Put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you
Crazy over you I'm calling
Callin' out to you
What am I gonna do?
It's true no frontin'
It's you ain't no other
I can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down (down)

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

   I LOVE that song so much...it reminds me of Weston...and most of it applies to me except that Weston isn't mine...YeT...and yeah...I think of him EVERY time that song comes on. Come to think of it--a lot of songs remind me of him when they come on the radio or I have a cd on...I LIKE HIM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!

~*Nicole*~

    GRRRR I had so much typed and now I have to start ALL OVER!!!! That makes me soooo mad!!!

    Okay, so today I was walking with Trivia after school and Weston was walking with Samantha (they're not going out...at least not that I know of), and I told her that I was jealous because she's always talking to him at his locker (her locker is by his n they were proly friends at Salk), but even though I don't think he's going out with her I still get jealous even though he's not mine. And Trivia goes "Well, I can run up there and start talking to him and make her go away if you want me to," and I'm like "Nah, that's okay, I'll just let it go for now" ha it was so funny! She really wants to be friends with him so she can get him to ask me out and stuff..and because he skates and so does she....but she's really trying to get me to talk to him more than I do and stuff...it's funny. I JUST WANT HIM SOOOO BAD AND I KNOW IT'S PROLLY CALLED OBSESSION BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT HIM 24/7, (too bad he don't know it), BUT I LIKE HIM SOOOOO MUCH AND I WANT TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND SO BAD BUT I KNOW SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE UP ON HIM EITHER BECAUSE HE'S GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE OR BECAUSE I'M SICK OF WAITING FOR TIME TO TAKE IT'S COURSE AND IT'S GONNA TEAR ME APART AND MAKE ME CRY TONS...I LOVE HIM!!! I just want to know if he likes me or not...because if he does for sure then I would ask him out, but since I don't know then I'm not going to because I'm scared of rejection.....I just love him soo much....

    Yesssssss....only 3 more hours (one day) left of Drivers Ed....YAY!! I'm sooo happy about that..no more sitting for 9 hours in school and not being able to go outside...Tomorrow I'm done!! I'm proly taking my permit test on Friday too...yessss!

    Okay, I know this song is great, and there are parts that don't apply to me but most of this song does...I like it though, and it reminds me of WeStOn...

TANGLED UP IN ME by SKYE SWEETNAM
You wanna know more, more, more about me
I'm the girl who's kickin' the Coke machine
I'm the one that's honkin' at you cause I left late again

Hey, hey, hey
Can't you see I want you
By the way I push you away
Yeah, don't judge me tomorrow
By the way I'm actin' today
Mix the words up with the actions
Do it all for your reaction, yeah
Hey, hey, get tangled up in me

You wanna know more, more, more, about me
Gotta know reverse psychology
I'm the reason why you can't get to sleep
I'm the girl you never get just quite what you see

Hey, hey, hey
Can't you see I want you
By the way I push you away
Yeah, don't judge me tomorrow
By the way I'm actin' today
Mix the words up with the actions
Do it all for your reaction, yeah
Hey, hey, get tangled up in me

You think that you know me
(Tangled up in)
You think that I'm only
(Tangled up in me)
When everything I do is only to get tangled up in you

You wanna know more, more, more, about me
I'm the girl that's sweepin' you off your feet

Hey, hey, hey
Can't you see I want you
By the way I push you away
Yeah, don't judge me tomorrow
By the way I'm actin' today
Mix the words up with the actions
Do it all for your reaction, yeah
Hey, hey, get tangled up in me

    ....and here are some things that I found on a website that I really like!!!!
i Act like i donT care.
BuT DeEp DoWn Im Lyin.
CuZ EverAytYme i C u.
AlL oVeR hEr -Im dyin.

tHe paSt iS aNn0yinG .. aLwayS sh0wiN up
iN EvRyb0dyS w0rdS . evRy s0ng y0u hEaR
evry bl0ck yu waLK & y0u nEveR waNna gEt
riD of it bEcauSe at oNe point.it was where
y0u - - WaNteD - - t0 be *

sometimes you have
to get `fucked up`
just to feel sober,
*cry* to see ||clear||
and fall down a
>>hundred times<<
before you learn
to --> pick yourself up

It just makes me realize how weird life is..
the exact same moment that meant nothing to
you..meant everything to me..and now i can't
forget.. and now you can't remember.. <|3

sometimes things have to fall apart
to make you realize just how much
you  need   them   to   fall  back
     tOgether again

it`s easy  to believe someone when they
tell you e x a c t l y what you wanna hear

Every 18 minutes someone dies from a suicide

Every 43 seconds somoene attempts one

What if you love someone?
What if you thought they felt the same?
What if you asked them who they loved?
What if it wasn't your name?

Been running from these feelings for so long,
Telling my heart I didn't need you
Pretending I was better off alone
But I know that it's just a lie
So afraid to take a chance again
So afraid of what I feel inside </33
((((((I kno this is part of a song but I liked it....and it totally applies to me!!!))))))

he tOLd me `` f O r E v E r ' ' . . . weLl silly me
i thought that forever was a lot longer than this..

     I'm gonna go to bed now...tootles!! G'nite....I'm gonna go dream of Weston and what it'll be like when I'm finally his girl...maybe...

~NiCoLe~

~*Nicole*~

   Today was soooooo fun at Festival of Nations (FON). After we had gotten our little tatooey things (we were holdin up our shirts so they could dry) today, me, Trivia, and Emily were walking around and we went down the steps at one part of the River Centre, and there were about 7 guys playin hackysack, and one of the guys points to his friend and says "Hey, any of you wanna go out with this guy? We're trying to find him a date." It was great! They were from Maple Grove, and he wasn't that bad looking...but I like Weston and Emily has a boyfriend, and Trivia likes Jake....so we walked away laughing.  Then a little while later, Emily had gone off with Eric and we were trying to find her and some guy I didn't even know stops me (I had a bottle of water in my hand, $2.50 in my hand, my wallet thing on the crook of my right arm and I was holding someone's bag), and he wanted to take my picture. So I just stood there and his friend's like "You gotta make it look like you're rich!" and he took my dollar bills and made it look like I apparantly had a lot of money, and they took my pic...it was soooo funny but I guess you kind of had to be there for this stuff. I got a really pretty light blue necklace from the Fillipinos and the tatooey thing there and tried some foods from different countries....it was fun. I had a great day with friends....it was fun fun fun! But I wanted to go up and claim Weston as my guy when I saw him when we were waiting for our busses to get there to pick us up, but I didn't want to cause a scene and he was with some friends of his so I didn't want to do it...oh well...I just lost a chance that could've made him mine for sure. I WANT HIM SOO BAD....I'm missin him like crazii <\3

   I'm gonna go, cuz I don't know what to type...cuz Weston's takin over my mind and he's all I think about and I don't think you all would want to hear about him all night lol.

~*Nicole*~

   OWWIIEE!!! I just hit my knee on the desk on accident...it really hurts!! And it just had to be the one that hurts already...I'm just not havin the greatest night...gettin hurt, havin Weston on my mind 24/7, and nervous about my permit test tomorrow!!

   I just looked outside and...the moon is out tonight. It looks soo cool from here, kinda creepy halloweenish cuz there's clouds around it and stuff...but it looks really awesome! Okay, I'm a dork (lol)!! \

   Well, g'nite everyone who cares to read this!!

~*NIcoLE*~

   GRR I thought about him ALL weekend!!!! I know it's good if I like him, but is there ever going to be a time when I'm not thinking about him, and where everything I do leads back to something that has to do with him...it's getting tiring, I want to not think about him 24/7 cuz that's literally what goes on in my head---WESTON SMITH....ALL THE TIME....I thought about him when I was fishing on Saturday with a bunch of people, when I was watching a movie, when my neighbor was bugging me, when I went to sleep, when I got bored, when I was reading my magazine........ALL THE FUCKIN TIME!!! I never thought I'd ever be able to fall for a guy this hard, think about someone this much, be this in love at such a young age, and not even be his girl.....all at the same time. I'm going to have to do something about how I feel sometime soon, cuz it's making me hurt so much when I see him, and I just want to be able to not hurt anymore...be with him forever....

   I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT MY PERMIT ON FRIDAY!! I'm so happy about that!! Now I can't wait til next year when I can get my license!! :)

   Well...toodles guys!!

</3   Amor Siempre...Nicole

   On Wednesday, one of my older sister's friends that she worked with got into a car accident, so he was in the hospital. They diagnosed him as brain-dead on Thursday. I just found out that today, and I didn't think I knew who he was at first but then I asked if he wore the spiked hat....and I did know him...he was sooo nice to me...too bad. This sucks...I'm sick of death....cuz it seems like that's all you hear about when you turn on the news or read the newspaper. But anyways, the wake is tomorrow...I didn't know him all that well but I feel so bad, it must suck to be his friend. Jerad's friend Ryan (my sister's friends with him too) was in the car with him when they crashed, so it kind of scarred him...because usually he picks on my sister and stuff, but he didn't say ANYTHING to her or much of anything to anyone else either at work on Saturday..I wouldn't have even been able to go to work the next few days if I were Ryan...I'd be crying but I guess that's just what girls do. Every time I hear about death it reminds me of my aunt...she died 2 years ago from cancer and I've never forgotten her because she meant so much, and now her daughter has cancer too.....it seems like a whole chain of deaths. I've litterally had 10 or more deaths in the past 5-7 years....(great grandma, 6 great uncles, 2 family friends, aunt, great aunt, cousin, and 2 of my friends)...and with all the people in my family that have had cancer it sometimes makes me wonder..am I next????

  YaY...I talked to my ex for a while today since we're still friends...I was so happy. We only went out for like a week or two, but I liked him a lot and stuff and then I broke up with him because we lived too far away and stuff....but anyways, he's been going with this girl for about 5 months and at first when he told me he was going out with her (the day he asked her out), I'll admit--I was realy jealous. Now I'm not anymore, and he knows I like Weston and stuff. Well we weren't talking that much for like--a month and I was going to ask him about it and then tonight we talked for an hour and a half online....about stupid things and stuff...it was great. I like talking to hiim because he makes me feel special...and he ALWAYS asks how it's going with Weston and everything, and then before he got offline tonight he's like "If you ever need help with Weston or anything, I'm here, just ask me." It was so nice of him...he's like "I'm a guy so I know what guys like and if you ever need any help with asking hiim out or something just ask..." and then a few minutes later he goes, "I think we're going to be giving each other a lot of tips because you're a girl and I'm a guy..you don't know all of what guys like, and I don't know everything about girls.." it was cute. His girlfriend is so nice and she's really pretty...REALLY PRETTY!!  Alan is so nice...but he's more of a friend now, and I don't think I'll ever like him as more than a friend again because we're really good friends now, but I think it's so nice of him to offer that...ya kno??

 Here's some quote things that I found that I really like....they're awesome:::

It's like writing your name on a foggy window and watching it slowly fade away... 

I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad

So there's this boy, right? Well, he kinda borrowed my heart and hasn't given it back yet...

I realize that you're breaking my heart over and over again, but that's okay...because I also realized that you are the only guy in my life that's worth it <3

I never knew being alone could hurt this bad....until you

every girl wants to find the one she
can be herself in front of the one
that she can say anything to the
one she can laugh smile and cry
with the 1 she can make jokes with
can fight with..and at the end
of the night hes still crazy about her

gotta problem with me? --» solve it
think im tripin? --» tie my fuckin shoes
cant stand me? --» sit the fuck down
cant face me? --» turn your shit around

maybe the stars that fill your eyes. are the stars that have
been.leading me my whole life. just to end up with you.<3

i guess i could call and ask you "how are you?"
but i really don't have much to say - i sit all alone
and stare at the phone and i hope you're doing okay <|3

the first time you fall in love it changes your life
forever and no matter how hard you try that'
feeling never goes away.                               

he's the only boy who can cheer
me up ... and the only boy that
.::. m a k e s m e c r y .::.

My mom said when I get older I can be whatever I want....Fashion Designer, Lawyer, Marine, Nurse, Singer, Teacher...but all I want is to be HIS GIRL!!!!!

Sorry...the words kind of went from big to little....oops.

Amor Siempre ~ Nicole

   Okay, details!!! On Thursday, April 21st Jared Dick, age 20, from Elk River Minnesota, died. Wednesday evening, him and his friend Ryan were driving home, and they got t-boned. Tyan walked away with a broken bone, cuts, bruises, and the nightmare of his friend dying beside him...sadly Jared never walked away. He was brought to a hospital, where they later found him brain-dead on Thursday morning. My sister worked with both Jared and Ryan...and on Saturday she worked with Ryan and noticed he was hurt and stuff...and he wasn't picking on he like he usually did so she asked one of the managers what was wrong and she understood...I wouldn't have been able to come to work if I were him. My sister went to his "wake" tonight, and she said he looked SOOO fake, but that's because they had to put tons of make-up on him to cover up the cuts and stuff on his face..and he was wearing his hat that he always had on at work--black with some metal spikes around the edges. He was an organ donor so at least some other people lived, ya kno?? But it's still really sad that HE had to die...I can't believe it!!

   I never really knew him all that well, but I met him last year when my sister was picking up her paycheck....he talked to me like he knew me forever and he was so awesome! I guess I thought this wouldn't ever affect me like it has...I never thought someone (teenager that I know), that I knew would die in such a tragic way. This all has made me take life a little more seriously, and not think something won't ever happen to me. I know I  started realizing this all in the past few years because of all the people I've been close to either dying from cancer, or old age, or car accidents (at least 15 people in all of deaths added up in my life in the past few years)...but this has really touched me, even though I didn't know him all that well. PLEASE PRAY FOR HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS...Thanks a lot everyone...your prayers mean so much to them!!!

   Tonight I had to go to this thing for confermation, and I sat by Kaitlin because I didn't want to sit by my own mom, and the youth administrator's name is Melissa Fox, and she says "Um" sooo much. We counted how many times she said "Um" in 50 minutes...and it came up to be SIXTY-SEVEN!!! That's soooo much! It was so boring though, but I saw Weston again...ugh he's just way too cuttee!!!! I love his hair since he got it highlited...it looks sooo hott!!!!

   My friend Rebecca has been bugging me about who Weston is for TWO MONTHS, because she didn't know who he was, so I had to show her today after lunch. I pointed out to her who he was when he was standing by his locker, and she goes "I'm gonna poke him" and so I walked faster so I was ahead of them, and then she didn't do it and when she caught up with me she gave me the thumbs-up...I don't know what it was for but oh well...I like him way too much!!

   Well...I'm gonna get off here now...this is really long and I don't know what else to type that doesn't have to do with Weston lol.

G'nite...LOVE YA ALL!!!! ~*NIcoLE*~

   I'm going to give up on Weston soon if things don't go anywhere...I don't know if he likes me or not, so I won't ask him out since I'm afraid of rejection and stuff. I don't know what to do, but I think I might give up if nothing happens...I want him so bad, but it's beginning to hurt me. I don't want to be sad or have to get over him, but I can't hold on forever. I don't know what to do anymore...I'm scared I'll never get over him....I know I said I was going to give up on him earlier (like 2 weeks ago or something), so I don't know if I'll actually be able to do it...he's in my heart now and I don't know how to let him out. I mean--I want to go out with him, be his girl and everything, but then again I can't hold on for too long, and I don't want to get too hurt...I'm soooo confused, I don't know what to do!!!!!

   I had to go to the dentist...actually I just got home, and I had NO CAVITIES for once!!! I've had 19 so far in my life, and I was so happy to go one time without having any lol.

   Well, I'm gonna go but I'll post more tonight!!!

~*NicOle*~

    Me and my mom went driving tonight....it was fun, first time out on the road or anything....I parked in a parking space and then we went on the roads, but not the highway. I'm WAY better at driving on the road than parking...haha I drove 50 mph....but I guess I go pretty fast when I'm driving a 4-wheeler or faster when I'm driving a snowmobile..so it wasn't much different except parking sucks!! lol.

   I know I said I want to give up soon on Weston...and that's partly true, but partly not. I've noticed that the girl (Samantha), I was jealous of when I saw her and him talking in the halls keeps looking at me weird sometimes...maybe it's a sign? Today before lunch Weston was walking a little bit ahead of me (kinda fast), on his way to the lunchroom, and then he looked behind (proly cuz he heard someone's shoes cuz I tend to drag the back of mine hehe), and he slowed down a little and looked back at me again...but then one of his friends came up beside him so I just left him with his friend, otherwise I was going to talk to him...damn friends of his lol...and then I passed him...don't worry--I was workin my walk lol. Then before 5th hour, I was in the classroom across his locker when the bell rang cuz my friend Rebecca wanted to talk to the teacher for a second, and I was waiting for her to come out and I was standing by the door with it open.....and then I saw Weston looking towards "C" building (the way I usually come from), for like a minute, and then turned and went to his class...I don't know if that's a sign either but usually he leaves his locker AFTER I pass and go into that classroom, but this time maybe it's cuz he didn't see me and then left..I don't know. I'm sooo confused...I mean--I still like him but I don't know if I should hold on for a while longer, or just let go...cuz it'll hurt either way, I'm already hurting...it's not like it would be any different...right??

I want to be the girl he points to when he's with his friends and says, "Yeah, that's my girl."

Tears are words the heart can't say....

   Well, I'm gonna go, but I'll post more tomorrow...hopefully tomorrow's a better day...

~*NicOLe*~

   Spanish class was sooo fun today!! Even though we have to do this whole little skit thing where I have to memorize 6 lines in spanish (with 2 other girls), but it was fun today. Weston, Luke, David, and Anthony were working, and Weston (haha Westoney...lol Jenny), must have said something because Anthony grabbed onto the back of Weston's hair (it's kinda longish...so it prolly hurt lots), and pullled really hard and he was like "OOWW THAT HURTS...LET GO!!" and then Ms. Hardke called him to her desk and made him go in "time out" and while he was walking up to her desk he was already laughing sooo hard. Anthony, David, and Luke were making comments and he started laughing even harder...so hard that he had tears in his eyes..lol it was great. Then Ms. Hardke started laughing and said "Weston, you're not supposed to be laughing--you're in time out" while she was laughing...which made it even funnier. I was up there too because me n my partner for the project were havin her go over our lines to make sure they were right, and it was great. I haven't seen a guy laugh so hard he had tears in his eyes for a long time...it was so funny...and I was laughing at him too. It was a fun day...and I think I have all my lines memorized now....hopefully.

   Well, I'm gonna go eat cuz then I gotta get ready to go to confermation cuz it's our last time, and we're having a party type thing for just our group......fun fun!!! I'll post more later, I promise! lol

~*Nicole*~

   Today was Bring Your Daughter To Work Day...and of course I didn't get to participate cuz my mom works at a clinic and my dad works at a power company...plus they wouldn't let me even if they worked somewhere else. But anyways...in spanish today my teacher had one of the other teachers daughters (like-6 years old), Angie, in our classroom, and she "taught" us how to draw a sombrero, and then she graded them...and gave everyone an A+...which was awesome. But yeah, we had to do this whole little skit thing, and when I went up there Anthony turned his head to Weston and goes "Weston!" and then glanced back up at me and Weston goes "I know!"....hm...wonder what that meant. Then when Angie was done grading our pictures, her and Danielle Skrove (who is in my grade), were straightening out the papers, and Weston was looking over (the teacher and Angie were sitting behind me at a different table), and I was looking over at Weston, and he caught me (OOPS! lol), and he seen his picture, and he goes "Hey Nicole, what did I get?" and I'm like "I don't know, your paper is facing the opposite way!" and he goes "Dang!" but then I'm like "Yeah, but I think everyone got an A+" and he goes "Good" but haha I wasn't paying much attention to the people who were doing the skits because I was either paying attention to Weston or Angie....go figure since Weston was paying attention to what Angie was asking the teachers and he kept saying "She's so cute..." or "How cute" and stuff.....and Angie was sitting right behind me. So...I found out another thing about Weston today....he likes little kids---and that's good since I do too!

   Well, that's all I have for now, but I'll post more later...I promise!

~*NicOLe*~

Wow, surprisingly I had a good weekend! I still can't believe I've been this happy for this long and no one has ruined it too much cuz I'm still obviously happy.

Friday night we drove up to my cabin and then later went down to Randy's cabin (down the road from mine), for a while. I thought about Weston a lot that night, wow what a surprise, right? lol.

Saturday was the best day of the weekend by far. At about 11:30am my mom and me went to our land to bring my dad and lil sister some lunch. I drove back (YAY), and later we went to John's cabin (Randy's brother-in-law). Eric (my age) and Nick (19) Leiter (SP??), and Nick's friend Eric (19) Beckston (SP?) were there. Lol I walked in and saw Eric B. (looks KINDA like Nick, but Eric's hotter),, and I was thinkin "HOLY SHIT HE'S HOTT!!" Then later me, my little sister Erin, Nick, and both Eric's went out on the boat. It was soooooo cold!! And Eric B. gave me his jacket to wear (cute, huh?). Then when we got off the boat Nick started a fire, me n my lil sister sat by the fire, and the Eric's threw a softball around (and it almost hit me in the head once lol). After a while of watching them do that, Eric B. wanted to see what it would be like to burn a softball, so he put the softball on the top of the fire, then took it out after it was hott (with bare hands!), and threw it at Eric L. about 4 times (FRICKEN IDIOTS...but it was funny!), and then the stitches started to come off so Eric B. took all the outside pleather off and put it back in the fire so it could fully burn. We all sat by the fire for a while just talking, and Eric B. is a skater...found that out lol. He was in the hospital twice last year...once because a guy punched the shit outta him with those metal things on his knuckles, and then the other time because his skateboard flew up at his face which broke the right side of his jaw and a little bit of the right side of his eye socket. Surprisingly you couldn't even tell that he had done anything to his face, and he's still HOTT AS ALL HELL!!! Later we went inside and Nick layed 7up-and-7down with the adults, and both Eric's, my little sister and me played Sequence. It was sooooooo fun! I didn't want to go home until Eric B. and Nick were going to leave lol. And for one Saturday I didn't tihnk about Weston more than once, it was AmAzInG!!

Today I woke up at 10:30am, went downstairs and watched TV for a little bit, ate brunch, and watched a lil more TV. Then I took a shower. I packed, backed up the truck, and at about 2pm we were finally ready to come home...

Now I gotta say a little more about Eric B. He's another 'perfect' guy lol. He's WAY hotter than Weston, but they got almost the same personalities. Eric has dark brown hair, tan skin, nice abs (I seen then when he took off his sweatshirt when we were playin sequence and his t-shirt came up), he's WAY polite and nice, and he's a skater...only 2 problems:: He's 19 (legal problems, but they wouldn't have to know, right? lol), and I think he has a girlfriend, but that's okay. I kinda like Eric, but I don't realy know him all that well--he's just way way way hott and really nice. His eyebrow, both his ears, and his tounge are pierced too...they make him look sooo much hotter, cept I don't really like the tounge-ring...but he might take it out cuz every one of his friends almost has theirs done and he doesn't like being like everyone else. Gosh, he's sooo hott!!! HOTT AS HELL!!!

Don't worry guys, I still like Weston a lot...and it's not like me and Eric B. will ever become something anyways (I'd be shocked if we did..)...but me and Weston could be though hehe. Stephanie's gonna ask him what he thinks of me, and if it's a good sign then I'm gonna ask him out...if not, then nope...forget it.

I might be able to bring someone up to my cabin this weekend, so I'm prolly gonna bring Emma or Janet...cuz Hayley prolly has bowling, and Trivia prolly has track. I don't know yet though....DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS....lol.

Well okay, now I like two guys, but since I don't know Eric B. as well, I obviously like Weston more....even though Eric is way hotter..but that doesn't matter most of the time. After/if I let go of Weston any time soon, I'm gonna get to know Eric WAY better (well, I will anyways)...too bad he lives in Brooklyn Park, but I guess that's not TOO far away. Oh man, this is going to be a confusing next few months for me...lol it's okay though, as long as I'm hapy I'm fine---if I'm not then I'm totally screwed!

Okay, this is enough now, so I'm gonna get going....sorry I didn't post the past two times when I 'promised'....I wasn't feeling the greatest and I fell asleep early.

Amor Siempre ~ NiCoLe

Okay I heard this song on one of my sisters cd's and I liked it:::

SOAR by Christina Aguilera
When they push when they pull,
Tell me can you hold on
When they say you should change,
Can you lift your head high
And stay strong
Will you give up, give in,
When your heart's crying out
That it's wrong
Will you love you for you
At the end of it all

In life, there's gonna be times
When you're feeling low
And in your mind insecurity
Seems to take control
We start to look outside ourselves
For acceptance and approval
We keep forgettin' that
The one thing we should know is

Chorus-
Don't be scared to fly alone,
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door
It's in your hands,
The world is yours
Don't hold back and always know,
All the answers will unfold
What are you waiting for,
Spread your wings and soar

The boy who wonders
Is he good enough for them
Keeps tryin' to please 'em all
But he just never seems to fit in
Then there the girl who thinks
She'll never ever be good enough for him
Keeps tryin' to change
And that's a game she'll never win

Now in life there's gonna be times
When you're feeling low
And in your mind insecurity
Seems to take control
We start to look outside ourselves
For acceptance and approval
We keep forgetting that the one thing
We should know is

Chorus

In the mirror is where she comes
Face to face with her fears
Her own reflection
Now foreign to her after all these years
All of her life she has tried
To be something besides herself
Now time has passed
And she's ended up with someone
Else with regret

What is it in us that makes us feel
The need to keep pretending
Gotta let ourselves be

Repeat Chorus 2x

Here's some quote thingys...I liked them and thought I'd post them on here..::::

~I can't sleep tonight, I'm too busy thinking about you, about us. I realy care about you, and I'm so terrified that if I told you my true feelings that I would scare you away. So I hold my feelings in and I write them down, and I hope that one day you'll feel the same.

~My head is saying "Who cares about him?!" but my heart is saying, "I DO..."

~I wanna be remembered as the girl he's s.c.a.r.e.d to lose,
The one he [can't] walk away from kn0wing she's mad at him,
The one he can't fall asleep without her v0ice being the last one he hears,
-->  The girl he wouldn't kn0w w h a t..t o..d o..w i t h o u t

~You know how people always say that if you wish for something enough, it'll come true?? Well, I've been wishing for you every night, and you're still not here...

~The opposite sex is the most addictive drug out there, but the high is like nothing else!

~You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel...

~I saw you with her today, and as I watched you with my fake smile I could hear my heart breaking and I could feel it being torn apart. It was then that I realized that I'm truely just a friend, and that's all I'll ever be.

~I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles, even when her heart is broken. And the one who could always brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten up her own...

~Forget the times you walked by, forget the times you made me cry, forget the times you held my hand, forget the sweet things-if I can. I can no longer pretend. I gotta remember now that you're just my friend...

~I cry for you at night, I know you're MR. RIGHT. I search for you in my dreams, and I don't konw what you think about me, but I'm better than I seem...

~I look up at the stars and wonder who you're with and where you are. I don't think I can take another night...I'm giving up this fight.

~I think it's weird when I love you, I think it's weird when I care, I think it's weird when I want you when you don't know I'm here...

~I look at the moon and a single star. It's making me crazy wondering where you are. I reach out and touch that heavenly face, open my hand and there's an empty space!

~I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do, I'm not suposed to live my life wishing you were here. I'm sorry, I just can't help myself--I fell in love with you!

~When I'm not with you you're all I think about, but when I'm with you it's like I'm not holding you tight enough...

~If I had the letters 'HRT' I could add 'EA' to get 'HEART' or 'U' to get 'HURT' but I'd rather use the 'U' to get 'HURT' than have a 'HEART' without 'U'

~Isn't it funny how when you want it the most, you can't have it? And when you have it, you don't care? And once you loose it, you'd do anything -->To GeT iT bAcK<--??

~Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamed of you...I wish that someday I'll dream about my pillow and be hugging you!!

~He holds me when I start to cry, makes me smile with just his eyes, shares my hopes, dreams and fears, wipes away all my tears. I love him without regret...I JUST HAVEN'T FOUND HIM YET!!

~Wait for the boy who will make an ordinary moment -SeEm MaGiCaL- The kind of boy who will bring out -ThE bEsT iN yOu- Wait for the boy who will be your -BeSt FrIeNd- The person who will drop everything to -Be WiTh YoU- at any given time of the day, no matter what the circumstances. Wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other boy makes you -sMiLe- And when he smiles you know he -NeEdS yOu- Wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you're in your -SwEaTpAnTs- and have on -No MaKeUp- But appreciates it when you get all -DoLlEd Up- for him. And most of all, wait for the boy who will put -YoU- at the center .[Of HiS uNiVeRsE].

Well, now I'm going to go to bed cuz I'm EXTREMLY tired....g'nite!!!

~*Nicole*~

~*I saw you today, and as I watched you with my fake smile I could hear my heart break, and I could feel it being torn apart. It was then that I realized I’m truly just a friend, and that’s all I’ll ever be…*~

**I look up at the stars and wonder who you’re with and where you are. I don’t think I can take another night…I’m giving up this fight…**\

   Today I saw Weston with this girl named Courtney...which I don't really like that much because she's a HUGE ditz...and I don't know but they MIGHT be going out....I'm not positive, but I sure hope not!! She was flirting with him, and when we were in the computer lab in Spanish, she's like "WESTON! I saved you a spot!" in a flirty voice. If he's going out with her I'm seriously gonna cry really hard! I know he's not mine, but it still hurts really bad. Stephanie didn't ask him today because she thought...I don't even know I'll want to know when she does ask him, because I'm scared. Already I feel like shit, and once again like I'm not good enough. She's popular, pretty, nice....but SOOOO DITZY!!! I know I'm probably making way too many assumptions, but I can't help it. If he IS going out with her I'm for sure giving up on him...I can't take it anymore!!!! I won't hold onto something I can't have!! ((Sorry Jenne....there night not be a 'Nicoley and Westoney' anymore....))

   Ugh, I hate the days when my dad is crabby ((A LOT OF THE TIME)), because it brings me down so much!! I got yelled at twice for things I didn't do in like--20 minutes!! And every few words was "FUCK" and I just am soooo sick of it!! I hate when my dad is home cuz he makes me so NOT happy....I can be totally happy, and then he walkes in the door and I turn angry or sad. Can't he see that I've been hapy for the past month and a half or more????!!!! I guess not, because he aLwAyS ruins it!! I'm fucking done!!!

   Okay--enough venting!! You all probably don't care anyways...so later gators!!

</3  ~*NiCoLe*~

This first one's by my friend Trivia, but I liked it...and it applies to me sometimes::

I saw you again today
I could not even say "Hey"
One simple little word
Could make this all a blur
But you always know what to say
I wish I could talk that way
It could just be your smile
That could make me run for miles
I run to the door
Hoping to see you once more
Flying sky high
I will make you my guy!!!!
    ~TRIVIA PHILLIPS~

These ones are from a college basketball player...he's from DUKE!!

As I watch you from a distance,
I think of using persistance
Just to get you to listen
Something about you is different
Is it your sweet smile?
Or is it your amazing eyes?
Yes, but it's also something you have inside
Something that sets you apart
If you could look into my heart
You might find something appealing
But I can't read your feelings
So as hard as it is to keep you quiet
I decide to remain silent
And only imagine what could be
I only wonder if you can even see me
    ~JJ REDICK~

I can't assume that I won't lose
In this scheme of life
I must choose which route to move
So I can presume
That I'll no longer have to run on fumes
I become confused when I take a simple zoom
At my life
Beginning in my mother's womb
And ending in a coffin or a tomb
I've been consumed
By my own scars and wounds
If I continue I'll move
Best my debut
And into the mind of David Hume
Once I get in a philosophical mood
I simply review
Each thought that crosses through
Until I find one to use
That's impossible to ridicule
   ~JJ REDICK~

Okay, and this is used a lot in people's blogs, but I like it a lot...so I'm gonna put it on here::

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close...
Not even a little bit...
Not even at all...

Well, that's all for now....I'll post some more a different time...but no more tonight!! I gotta go catch some ZzZzZzZzZz's....LYL!!!

</3   ~*NICOLE*~

  I don't understand how my parents' minds work!! Next Friday I'm gonna have to skip school to go help plant trees at our land north of Brainerd (even though it'll be with a tractor and stuff, I'll still have to be out there standing for 6-8 hours)...what would I rather do----Help pland 2500 trees, or go to school and be with friends all day?? Hm...that's sure a hard one--NOT! My parents just don't understand that I'm happier when I'm with friends...and sadly--I'd rather be at school. I'm never happy at home much anymore...and what do they think--I'm crabby and sad around friends too?? I don't think so!! If I skip school for just one day I'm gonna be behind in at least 3-4 of my classes....this is dumb!! I've never ever said that I'd rather be at school than home...until this year...and obviously that means something, doesn't it? I'd usually take every chance to get to skip school....but I don't want to anymore unless it's to go hunting or because we don't have school...I'm just not very happy at home most of the time anymore....

  Trivia wrote a note to Weston when shee got bored in one of her classes today, and I have to give it to him tomorrow...woo hoo!! (LOL). She told me I could read it, so I did...and me and her laughed so hard...I bet people thought we were dorks cuz we were walking down the hall laughing and holding a note. It was great though. And she wants him to write back too... so if they keep writing notes and stuff she said she'll ask him about me and stuff...LOL, funny thing is---I'll be reading all of it because she'll let me, and plus: I'll be the one giving the notes back and forth lol.

  Today was so fun at lunch, in Government, and Gym. Lol, in gym we're rollerblading, and we had to play a game kinda like musical chairs but it was with paper taped to the ground and we had to weave in and out of the papers and be able to stop on the paper or close to it...and I was in the bottom 15, and me and this girl were going for the same piece of paper...and I slid about 5 feet just to get that paper and stay in lol...it was great!! Then in government we're doing this project on cases, and mine had to do with the death penalty, so me, Lisa, and Kaitlin were looking for pics on google, and we typed in 'Death penalty' and there were some pics of like--food and apples and cats and stuff....it was so funny...they didn't have anything to do with the death penalty! It was great!

  When I came h ome I was fine, until my dad came home and yelled at me...and then he left to go work out...and then about 30 minutes later my mom came home n then my dad came home from the gym....and I was happy when they were gone--it wasn't as bad when it was just my mom home though. I've been sorta unhappy since then. As you can see--I'm way happier when I'm at school, and when I talk about my day at school or about friends I'm happy, and when I talk about home I get sad and depressed...it's weird. I don't understand it!! But at least I have Weston to look forward to in the morning lol...a smile can do a lot even if he doesn't say anything to me lol.

   Well, g'nite everyone...and Jenne don't let everything pile up on your shoulders--call me if you need to!!!

~LYL~ ****NICOLE****

   I'm done with guys at the moment, this has brought me down enough and when my heart's not whole I'm not gonna try to like a different guy. There won't ever be a 'Nicoley and Westoney' Jenne....I'm DONE! Today after spanish, Stephanie asked him what he thought of me and once again he couldn't look her in the eyes, and said "I don't know" but then they talked for a little bit, and he doesn't want a girlfriend right now...so I'm done with him. I still like him a little bit, but it's not the "OMG I WANNA GO OUT WITH HIM" type anymore....well yeah it is for now, but all this just happened today, so I still need time to get over him. I think it's because he probably doesn't like me and he doesn't want to go out with me...so therefore he lied to her and just said he didn't know what he thought of me and that he didn't want a girlfriend...I'm not good enough..I said that and now I know I'm not. I'm not pretty enough, I'm too shy, I'm not good enough, and I'll never be. This sucks so bad....I liked him soooooooooo much, and now this...it's dumb...and it's just another thing to bring me down farther than I already was. Finally for once I was soo majorly happy, and now this is made me so not happy, and everything's just like it was before I started liking him. I'm going to be single forever...no one loves me...no one ever will....I guess with everything I'll just be sad forever....this feels like it's never going to go away. This hurts...a lot. I can't believe I let myself do this...I let myself fall hard and fast for Weston, and now it's gone...I'M DONE!! At the moment, I'm just going to say that guys are out of the question right now......until I get over Weston every guy in my way who pisses me off is going to get spazed on...I can't deal with this shit again. I've done this many times, but this time it was the farthest I've fallen for a guy...and every time I let myself fall hard for a guy, it ends up this way...in the end I'm left broken, scarred, and not wanting to do anything...I want this broken heart to end now...please?!

  I like this, and it's so true, it's EXACTLY how I feel at the moment::::

You know what I want?? Just once, I want to be someone's reason for waking up, someone's reason for going through another day. Just one time, I want to be the one being wished for, the one who makes a guy say "I'm so lucky to have her." To put it simply:: I want me to mean something to somebody what they mean to me.... </3

  Here's an icon to show how I feel --->  

  Well, I'm gonna go...I gotta make a cake for my dad's birthday, and then eat, and go to confermation...I'll hopefully be on again tonight...

Heartbroken Love~
.....nicole.....

  The title of this entry says it all! Grr...I really have to get all the way over Weston--he's been on my mind all day, and even though he doesn't have a clue..he was everything I thought I needed.....and to him all I was, was just another fucking girl to play games with, and make think that he likes her...then only to let her down and make her cry. I gave it my all and only got broken down by some guy who I let become my everything and he wasn't even my boyfriend. He hurt me so bad, and he doesn't even know it....he doesn't know how hard it hurts when I pass him in the hallway and he doesn't even look in my direction anymore, or when I think about him it hurts me to think that he doesn't even like me......I cried a little last night--not to sleep, but I still shed a few tears...and I wish I had never let myself even start to believe that he liked me even the slightest little bit, cuz now it's tearing me apart and I don't know how to stop it. I'm angry because I let it go this far, and sad because he's not mine and every tear I cry is a reminder of how I don't know how to let go, and lonely because no guy has ever truely loved me as I've loved them....WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO FEELS THIS PAIN?! No one knows that I'm sad except a few of my closest friends, and everyone who reads this....I hide it so good because I've gotten good at hiding things from people so they don't ask questions, but I'm actually screaming inside because of the pain....

  I'll be on later hopefully.....if not then goodnight to everyone who reads this, and I hope your day and next few days are or have been way better than mine!!!!

</3 with sad love.....
--nicole--

  I know I said I was giving up and was done with Weston, but I still like him a lot....just not like "OMG I WANNA GO OUT WITH HIM!!!!" ya know?? I mean I just can't give up on him with a snap of my fingers...it'll take a lot of time to get where it's not a big deal anymore that he probably doesn't like me at all as more than a friend. Maybe after I get to know him more than I do now, he'll realize that either I'm just friend material, or that he likes me and he made a huge mistake, or maybe he does like me but just doesn't want anyone to know, or maybe I'm just not good enough because I'm not pretty or popular enough...I don't know. All I can say is that I'm DO still like him, I'm just not going to wait forever for him...either he likes me by the end of this school year, or we've become better friends, or I'm giving up and not looking back with regret. I just can't sit here and wait forever for him to make a simple decision--does he like me or not.....is it really that hard to decide?? When I told some of the few people that knew I like(d) Weston that I might be giving up on him and stuff...they're like "WHY!!!!??" I just don't know what to do anymore. About 7 people have told me to hang on and that Weston will come around...but I can't wait forever, and I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want to do--like going out with me...because then I would feel guilty and bad and weird...and I'm sure he would feel the same. I would probably get hurt worse if I forced him into it...I'm NOT done with him...yet

  Okay, my parents truely DON'T care about whether I die or not...I told them about my friends' sister whose knees kept bothering her for about 5 months, and her parents kept taking her in and all the doctor's told her it was, was 'growing pains.' Then her parents wanted her blood tested...and then they cfound out that her sister had leukemia...9 months later---she died. Both of my parents said it couldn't be cancer, and my mom said that I'd have fevers for no reason, I'd feel dizzy and like I had the flu all the time...but my friends' sister didn't have any of those so-called 'symptoms' that my mom said, and neither did my 6 year old cuzin who has cancer right now. Oh well though cuz right now with all the pain I've been feeling---I could care less if I started to slowly die...I wouldn't ever kill myself, but if some disease started taking me over and I died, I could care less. It seems like the only people who truely care is my little sister, my cuzin Jordan, and my friends...it's pretty pathetic. I feel like I'm a worthless fuck-up to my parents...they praise both of my sisters for grades (even if they're not that good), pictures, friends, EVERYTHING, and I don't get one ounce of encouragement, or something to show at least that they care a little bit...NOOOOOO I just get bitched at and treated like shit! They're the ones that brought me into this world, if they didn't want a fucked up child, then they shouldn't have even had me! I'm sorry for being a mistake........

  Hayley, Jenne, Emma, Trivia, Alan, Ryan, and all my other friends----thanks so much for everything!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!

  Sorry for being so happy, and then in a blink of an eye--it's gone......

...confused as hell...
~*NiCoLe*~

  Today when I would pass Weston in the hallway or wherever it was like he was avoiding me...when he walked in the school today he looked at his feet, and when I seen him on my way to a few classes he'd look away or look at his feet...and then after school him and a few friends passed us (me and Trivia), and he moved to the other side of his friends...I didn't think I was that ugly or stupid...but I guess I am. I hate it so much...but then again it could lead to a faster time period of getting over him. On the other hand, I don't really know what his opinion of him is of me, but in Spanish one of his friend's will say his name, and then if I look over there (which I don't all the time, but once in a while I do), then him and his friend that said his name would be looking at me, and then Weston glances away as soon as I look over there. GUYS ARE SO FUCKING CONFUSING!!! Oh well....if he's not liking me by the end of May I'll just give up on him for now...but next year's a different story lol. Well, I'm gonna have to find something to do this weekend to get him off my mind...I'm either going to be doing something that'll have me not thinkign about him, or I'll be thinking about him and what a fuck up I am....I can't believe myself--I used to be so strong and not let things get to me like this, but I don't know what went wrong---it's dumb!!!

  Well, I'm going to go cuz I have to go pack...I'm going up to my cabin this weekend again!!!

~*NICOLE*~

   Looks like I'm pretty close to being done with Weston now...I still like him a little but this weekend helped me get over some of my feelings for him. I guess I needed to do something to get my mind off of him and everything that had to do with him...I don't know exactly how I did it, but I kept myself busy, and since my knees hurt 24/7, I had other things to think about....and I DID think about what I was going to do about it on Friday, and kinda decided I needed to get over him and let him go.

   Most guys in ER are pretty dumb--when they have a great girlfriend and everything going for them--they go and screw it all up (whether its trying to force sex or something sexual, act like a complete jerk, or abuse the girl), never knowing they had life by the ass, and wrecked another girls' fragile heart. And then they expect us to come back to them when they "need us"---I don't fucking think so!!!......I know some girls who keep going back to guys like that in a heartbeat, but I'm not like that--you fuck with me, screw it up too bad, or play with my heart, and I'm DONE! WARNING TO GUYS:: Don't take a girls' heart, abuse it and break it apart, expect her to pick it up and put it all back together, and fucking come back to you!!!!! And guys out there who are reading this--DON'T think I'm high-maintinence, because believe me--I'm way too far from it! All I'm looking for in a guy is that he'll just want to hang out sometimes (not always spend money), some guy who cares about what I think, has to know how to treat a girl, and calls sometimes (NOT 24/7). I guess maybe I'm a little too low-maintinince, but I don't like things all the time that costs money---just hanging out is funner than going to a movie and stuff.

   It's pretty bad when I can't even like anyone at my own school with over 1500 kids in it anymore, because the guys are either jerks, just friends, taken, full of shit, or just looking for a hook-up...how dumb!! There aren't many guys anymore who are polite to people older than them and disabled people, have respect for girls, and don't make fun of everyone who's not like them (disabled, not as popular, etc.), at any chance they get. Or at least that's how it is in ER...I don't know about many other places. Ugh, it's just so sickening--there's not many guys to choose from anymore...it's sad when I havet o start liking guys from different towns, or even different states (friends of friends, or long-time friends I've kept in contact with), instead of ER. Why do people have to be somebody else in order to impress the person they like?! How come they have to change so much?! Why can’t they just be themselves?! If you have to change to have somebody like you—then they’re not at all worth it!!

   Okay, enough venting lol. My weekend was okay I guess…I didn’t really have that much to do except Saturday night when I got to see Nick at my cabin again, but then he had to leave to go home cuz he had to work the next day. Too bad he’s got a girlfriend..

   I’m gonna go to bed now, but I’ll post more most likely tomorrow!!

~*NICOLE*~    </3

  Okey-dokey, so here's the whole deal on me and what I'm gonna do with my feelings for Weston...or rather what I haven't done and wish to do. I know I said I had already gotten over him and everything, but the truth is---I haven't gotten over him as much as I'd like to. I still hurt every time I see him in the halls and stuff...because I know I can't have him or anything, but I'd like to be done with him and onto someone else or at least liking no one. By the end of this month (end of the school year also), I'd like to be all done with him and moving onto someone else...I want to have my heart free of my feelings for him, even though it's not as much as it used to be. I was also talking to my friend Steph, and she said he likes to play with girls minds and flirt a lot...and just doesn't want a girlfriend. That really hurt me when she told me that, but it's the truth. I don't know why some guys have to be like that--playin with a girls heart and mind, and then none of what they do or say is intended to make the girl fall for them. I think that's why I've gone for older guys...because guys my age are dumb and immature, older guys aren't AS dumb and most of them are mature. Soo...back to the older guys thing...no guys my age anymore until they learn how to grow up!!

  Okay, here's some things I found that are pretty cool! I liked them...hopefully you do too!!

30 things guys should know about girls::::
Written by a guy. After years of experience...

1. Watever u do, don't just show up at their house... they run around in their underwear just like we do.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they will find out and you will be mud.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the hat.
4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
5. DON'T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
6. If they slap you hard, you DESERVED it.
7. DON'T be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
8. If you DON'T sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
8.5 If you DO sleep with them, DON'T tell your friends that you did.
9. You CAN be dirty minded in private, really... most of them are not offended by it.
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
11. Most of them DON'T mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a prick. (hahaha!!!)
11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
12. Every girl should eventually get THREE THINGS from her ...boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty piece of JEWLERY. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the crap out of him.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
16. NEVER , ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. she DOESN'T care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
18. You're dead meat if you CAN'T get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be PRINCE CHARMING to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
19. DON'T flirt with their moms... that's just freaky.
20. DON'T be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be UNDERSTANDING.
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
22. If you're officially ...dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better introduce her as your girlfriend.
23. DON'T stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very GENTLE
26. Memorize their freakin birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
27. DON'T marinade the cologne, but smell good.
28. DON'T give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. ...Jewelry is always nice.
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

How to impress a woman...
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, wine & dine her, buy beautiful things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
Wanna impress a Man...
Show up naked... with beer.

Who am I kidding? It wasn`t meant to be.
I needed a believer and you, you needed to believe. </3

I hate the way you can push me to the limits with the things you do. and then you know just the right time to say something sweet to make me fall for you all over again.

REMEMBER when you got jealous cus the other guy kept talking to me?
REMEMBER when you threaten to beat him up? ... I  REMEMBER!!
Well just think how I felt when instead of other girls talking to you,
you talked to them ( all of them), & when you thought I wasn`t lookin
you even *hugged* one of them. So now when you think of how badly
you feel when I was around other guys:: think about how badly I felt when
you were around EVERY girl.

Don't look at me like that,
i don't feel like falling for you
all over again - - - i can't <3

sometimes i wish he would just walk right up to me
and kiss me without a care in the world. </3

it's far from [p][e][r][f][e][c][t]
it's not even [c][l][o][s][e]
the ones that [l][o][v][e] * [y][o][u]
will hurt you the [m][o][s][t]

BESTFRiENDS are totally aware of how retarded
you are and still manage to be seen with you.

  Okay I'm done now...wow that's really long..thanks to whoever read this long entry...yeah i bet it took a lot of your precious time too! Well g'nite..talk to ya laters!!

~*NIcoLE*~

  Here's a few things I made up today while sitting in English class...well the first one I made up yesterday:::

~Someday my dreams will come true...I'll be happy cuz I'll have you!!

~Someday you're going to look at me and wonder why you hadn't given me that second chance...why you let me fade away...why you lost something so precious FoReVeR...

~Sometimes I wonder why you even flirted with me if you never liked me...why you had to be everything I ever wanted...why I fell so hard for you...if you ever realised that you were breaking my heart...what intentions did you have?? You flirted to make me fall for you and to have fun with my heart. You made yourself everything I wanted. I fell for you because I thought you were different than the others. You didn't realize you were breaking my heart, and didn't really care either. And you had the intention only of playing with my mind and heart--nothing more. Just remember this though:: When you start to like me like I liked you, YOU'RE the one who let me go...but this time I won't be there to fall for you again, or to catch you when you fall for me like I fell for you...

  Well today was okay I guess....it was soooooo boring, but tomorrow's like a Friday for me because I "get" to skip out on Friday because I have to help plant 2500 trees. It's not by hand, but I'm gonna be patting dirt down around each tree with my sister...which means I'll be standing the whole day...which means my back and knees are gonna hurt like hell the next day!! Ugh, I'd so rather go to school than help plant trees. I mean why should I have to be there if there's already going to be at least 5-6 guys there...dammit I don't want to go!!

  I'm gonna go for now though, but I'll post more next week...because tomorrow night I'm driving my mom up to my cabin...at least I get to drive lol.

~*NICOLE*~

  Ugh, Friday sucked major ass!! I had to help plant trees at my 'rents land by my cabin, and I was standing for like--6-7 hours straight. Saturday morning I woke up with a major back ache and my knees hurt so bad I didn't think I could get downstairs....but I did.

  I think this guy named Harlan likes me...and I don't know if I like him because I don't know him at all basically, but he wants to know what I think of him...I just don't know how to answer! He wants to get to know me and stuff, and he goes to my school...but he doesn't even talk to me at all...he just looks. I don't get it! Oh well...guys are very confusing...I've decided to give up for a little while, but it feels sooooooooo weird not liking someone since I have constantly since I was in 4th or 5th grade...so it's been a while without liking guys, and I just want to be able to not like someone for a little bit but I feel lonely without someone to at least crush on. Oh well...

  Well, I guess I don't really have that much to type, so I'm gonna go to bed. I feel blah today....not really happy, but not sad. RYAN--cheer up...please??....for me??

G'nite everyone....LUV YA!!!
~*NICOLE*~

   I have seen this on a lot of people's blogs, so I thought I'd do one for you all to know some more things about me....so here ya go::

40 Random Things About Me...

1. I like the color blue.

2. I love watching hockey and playing it too...too bad my parents won't let me play though!! They say it costs too much (which it does, but I offered to pay half), and they don't want me to get hurt...as if they actually care!

3. My knee has hurt for about 5 months and my parents won't take me to the doctor, and the pain keeps getting worse.

4. I have a fragile heart...don't mess with my feelings cuz I will cry at night..

5. I hate crying in front of people!

6. I hate death...it scares me. Well...it's kinda understandable since I've had SOO many people (at least 15 people close to me), in my life die because of cancer, car crashes, old age, or some kind of disease in the past 5 years...it really sucks!  

7. I think guys are very confusing.

8. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find "THE ONE" for me...ya know? Just since there's not too many guys nowdays that aren't fake or who aren't like every other guy looking for a hook-up or who are jerks.

9. I hate most country music.

10. I fall so easily into love, it's not even funny.

11. I like to laugh and smile!

12. I get sad easily.....When I'm happy it's great, but I can lose that happiness in the blink of an eye...

13. My dad pisses me off  almost every day, just by walking in the house when he comes home from work and says something...he knows how to press my buttons and make me pissed I guess.

14. I'm the middle child...oh joy!...not!

15. I like to deerhunt.

16. My favorite place to be is either at my cabin inside just thinking in the silence when no one's home, or out on the dock or in a boat on the lake.

17. I like shopping, but not with a ton of people, and I like to go in and out....not spend an hour looking in one store--that's boring.

18. I don't look like my older sister, and my younger sister looks a little like me.

19. My aunt (34 yrs old) looks more like my sister than my own blood sisters do.

20. I don't look my age.

21. Skaters are the best guys around....preps aren't my favorite people because where I live they're mean, and the skaters are the nice ones.

22. I don't like ditzy girls.

23. Leg warmers are really ugly!

24. The comftiest clothes to wear are a pair of jeans and a hoodie.

25. I have the greatest time doing stupid stuff with friends...like going up to random guys in a mall and hugging them because they have a cool shirt on and are hott...lol.

26. I love mindsay...cuz then I can vent, and people give me good advice.

27. I don't like being alone a lot.

28. I love music.

29. I'm single, and it sucks!! I hate being lonely...

30. I am a total night person...I hate mornings...and I really like to sleep!!

31. I tend to hide my feelings a lot, and I've gotten good at faking my happiness to my family.

32. I'm going on a RoAd TrIp to Charles City, Iowa with my friend Trivia when I get my license next year!...it's gonna be soo fun...and then I get to meet the friends I've only talked to online but the one's she's friends with from when she lived down there.

33. I want to learn how to play the drums or bass.

34. In the summer I like soaking up the sun.

35. I like meeting new people, but in person I'm really shy compared to online. Online I talk A TON, but if any of you would meet me in person--I'm shy and quieter at first, but once I get to know you it's all good.

36. Some of my friends say I'm a huge flirt online...and I tend to flirt in person quite a bit too.

37. People admire my long brown hair, green eyes, and smile...I don't know why though, I'm not that pretty. And as you can tell, I don't have that much self-confidence a lot of the time. But I sure wish I did...I want to be able to know I'm pretty all the time, and I'm someone a guy would actually like...but right now I guess I'm not.

38. I'm very claustraphobic (or however you spell it). I hate small places, and I hate when there's too many people. That's why I have to chew gum when I go snowmobiling, because otherwise I'd get sick from being in the helmet, and I'm scared of drowning, also of getting trapped somewhere. I hate shopping the day after Christmas and Thanksgiving, because the stores are soo full and I get stressed because there's too many people...I get hot and sometimes feel like there isn't enough air. It's really weird.

39. When I'm mad or sad I have to listen to music or talk to friends...otherwise I'm totally screwed and I get sooo sad I cry hard and separate myself from my family....faking the happiness and hiding the tears from everyone.

40. I love little kids!! Babies are my favorite to take care of. They're another thing that makes me happy...just one hug or a smile can cheer me up for a long time. I can't wait til I get to babysit Brayden and Ellie this summer...they're such sweethearts!

  Well, there ya go. Wow, I'm surprised I got through that many, and I still could put more...I got on a roll there for a while! I'm gonna go to bed now...nighty-night!!

AmOr SiEmPre ~ NICOLE

  OMG at school there are like 50 girls that have the name Nicole...it's so stupid--when I walk down the hall and hear someone say "NICOLE" I don't even turn around anymore, because there's so many Nicole's, and I figure if that person needs me then they'll come up to me lol. I want to change my name, because there's too many girls with that name!...I want a name that's not used all the time..like Atiana (ah-tee-ah-nuh), or something not common at all.

  My day was just like the rest...boring and lonely. I didn't really have a purpose to go to school...I didn't want to do anything anyways..but I had a final and stuff so I kind couldn't even be "sick" lol.

  I'm pretty tired so I'm gonna go to bed now. Sorry this wasn't more interesting, but I guess I don't really have much to write about.

~*NICOLE*~

  Ugh, today when I got to school, I walked up to Trivia (my friend), and she was totally mad. I asked what was wrong, and she said that her dad hit her on Saturday. He was practically screaming at her on the way home from wherever they were, and then he punched her. I feel horrible, and I think he should go to hell. Ever since they moved here from Charles City, Iowa, he's been acting like an ass to her, and he's threatened to kill her, and told her she can leave any time she wants to. On saturday after they got home...she took her ipod, walked to the park, and sat there crying for at least 2 hours. I felt bad when she told me this, because she said she was going to call me or Emily to stay at one of our houses, but both of us were at our cabins. I wish I could solve her sadness, but her Dad just won't stop yelling at her and stuff....it makes me soooo mad. She wants to stay in CC this summer with her friends down there, and today she talked to her counselor about what happened this weekend and he sent her to see the social worker, and she's gonna try pulling some strings to get her to be able to stay down there this summer. I really want her to be happy....these are my choices though:: have her go down to Iowa this whole summer, or have her dead (either by killing herself, or her dad killing her)....either way I would be sad, but if her staying in Iowa is gonna be good for her then so be it---I'd rather miss her for 3 months than miss her for the rest of my life cuz she's dead, ya know? I don't want her to be sad anymore!!!!!!! I HATE HER DAD TOO!! Her brother left the house when he was 15, because of their dad....now he's 20-something, but he moved out at her age because of how her dad treated him....and he's doing the same thing to Trivia. I don't want her to kill herself, but if she can't get away from him, that's what she's going to do...and it makes me so sad. When I told my mom about it she didn't even care...even though I was on the verge of tears, and then when I was cleaning my room (sometimes I have the habit of cleaning my room when I'm too mad or sad), I started crying full-fledged tears...I'm so sad...I really hope things get better for Trivia. If they don't get better for her I don't know what I'm going to do. I asked her if she wanted to come to my cabin this weekend...hopefully her mom says yes, because I don't know what she'll do at home...and I don't trust her dad at all...I don't know what he could do to her...okay I do but I don't want him to do anything to her...I love her like a sister, and she's one of my best friends--I couldn't afford to lose her.

  On a happier note--Friday's my last day of school!! I'm so glad this year's almost done!! I can't wait for the bikini-wearin weather that's coming up very soon!! YESSSSS!

  Sunday is my cuzin Josh's graduation party. Josh, and 2 other friends of his that live on the same street as him are all having their parties on the same day, so that means lots of hott guys for my eyes to see lol!! YAY!!! Theif River Falls HERE I COME!!!...hott guys watch out for this babe lol...just kiddin I'm not that hott.

  My older sister's also graduating Friday night, but her party's on June 4th. Anyways, the reason I put this part in here is that on May 31st she's moving up to Nisswa to live with my uncle, because she's going to college in Brainerd....so that means I get my room all to myself now!! Yess! I get to paint it any color I want it after I get it all cleaned....and I've decided on a light blue..my favorite color. I'm gonna be so happy when she's moved out for a whole entire year....room to myself, no stinky Arby's cloths, no junk laying in front of the door.....yessssss!!!

  Well, I don't know what else to write, so I guess I'll post more when I get time. I just thought  I'd update since I haven't really updated that much lately cuz I don't know what to write...

<3 AMOR SIEMPRE!!
~*NICOLE*~

While I'm excited that school's going to be out on Friday, and Trivia's coming up to my cabin with me--I'm back into thinking the same fucking depressing things I had before. I didn't EVER think that this would happen...I didn't think that he was that short-tempered..and all you people might think that I'm lying because of what happened to my friend on Saturday...but it's not..I'm deathly serious. I'm crying as I type this because I feel like shit, and I want to run away or something...I honestly don't know what to do. My day was perfectly fine, and I was happy ALL day...until my dad came home...and now my happiness is almost completly gone. He came home and started talking to my sister about her gown thingy for graduation (my mom accidently melted the fabric on one area last night while she was ironing it), and he made some stupid comment, so I decided to stick up for my mom. I told him that he didn't help the situation any last night by saying dumb things and making everything worse. He totally spazed out on me and started yelling/swearing at me...and then he hit my face so hard. For a little while my cheek was red, and my nose hurt (it's not broken--don't worry)..and now my lower left lip is a little swollen (not very noticeable). My little sister (12 years old), ran into her room and started crying because she was scared, and he told (yelled) her that she better stop crying or he'd hit her too. Then he left to work out at the gym...and I went into my room and cried for about an hour. I'm not going to talk to him for a while..he deserves it!! I want to give up my life, but I won't because I don't seriously want to..and I can't because I won't...I just don't know what to do, who to turn to, where to go..tomorrow at school I'll just have to act like everything's fine and nothing's wrong. Everything I say or do isn't right, nothing I do is okay, I can't do nothing right....in my dad's eyes I'm just a fucked-up little girl who's easy to scream at. And I guess that's what I am--I'm fucked-up and worthless. I try to be so perfect for him, but nothing's worth it anymore...I'm done trying to be the perfect little girl my parents (dad) always wanted!!!

~*NICOLE*~

  My weekend was awesome!!! Trivia came up to my cabin and it was soooo fun! Eric didn't talk to me...which is a good thing, cuz he's ugly, but he's really nice...I just wonder why he didn't talk to me since he skates and so does Trivia and he knew that--I thought he'd be all over her since she skates lol. Well on Friday we had to wait for my parents to come home from my sister's graduation, and then we headed up to my cabin. That night we didn't go anywhere--just to bed, except me and Trivia stayed up talking until 2 in the morning. Saturday we went to go rent movies, and then came back, and did a whole bunch of stuff...went to 3 neighbors houses, 4 wheeling, talked to some people on her cell phone, sat on the dock and talked for a long time...and that night we watched the movies, and stayed up til 1am talking. Sunday we went to my cuzin Josh's graduation party and she thinks he's hott, and one of Josh's friends was EXTREMLY hott...ooh man! We stayed there for like 4 hours and then went back to my cabin and went over to the neighbors house and sat at the bonfire...then went home and watched the other movie and stayed up til about midnight talking. Sunday we really didn't do much, and then came home. It was funner than it seems cuz I forgot some things, but I don't want to type it all lol. I wish Nick (Eric's brother), and his friend Eric B. would've been up, because then Trivia could have met them because I've told her so many things about them and she really wanted to meet them...oh well I guess. Sooooo I had a great weekend, and my dad hasn't yelled at me/hit me since last week.

  Well, I still kind of like Weston, but just not very much at all anymore. It being summer and all has really made me get a move on getting over my feelings for him and see him as just another guy friend. I'm starting to like this kid named Ray that goes to Monticello though. He's really hott, has the greatest hair and smile....but I'm not going to fall hard this time...I promise!! I hope I get to have a summer fling this year!! That would be loads of fun!!!!!

  I'm gonna go to bed now, but I just thought I'd update a little bit since I haven't since my dad hit me last week...g'nite all!! Sweet dreams...and have a great day tomorrow!!

~*NICOLE*~

Wow, it feels like I haven't been on here forever in a LONG time....but really it's not been that long AT ALL!!! By the way...this is going to be a long entry...sorry guys...

My sister's graduation party was on Saturday. It was really fun....except that it rained the whole time...good thing we have a big garage at our cabin. SO many people showed up...including some hott guys lol.

In the beginning when it was just my family, a guy from my dad's work (Tom), my sister's boyfriend (Nick), and my uncle (Phil)...my other uncle Keith and his two daughters Kylie and Megan showed up. Megan looked really rough...she did fine the whole day, but by the time they left she was really wore out! I hate seeing her like that...she had light gray circles around her eyes, and she had a brace on her leg for her drop-foot from the chemotherapy treatments. This week is her last hard chemo treatment...now let's hope the cancer doesn't come back-cuz for now the cancer is gone (Knock On Wood), so her outcome looks extremly good right now.If the cancer comes back I'm gonna be completly heartbroken and cry for DAYS on end....and I hate crying, but after we lost her mom 2 1/2 years ago from cancer, we can't afford to lose her too--she's another one of those special little girls who you can never forget their smile and soft giggle...

A lot of people there that hadn't seen/met my dad's sisters, said that I'm a spitting-image of my aunt/godmother Margie, and that we look like sisters!! It's so awesome, cuz she's soooo cool!!

Oh boy...now for the hott guys...hehe I was in heaven lol!!!! Alrighty--I had just walked out the door of my cabin into the garage and saw Eric B. (REALLY hott one--I've talked about him in a different entry before), Nick (hott too), and another one of Nick's friends (kinda ugly), running into the garage out of the rain. I quickly turned around and went back inside to tell my little sister and of course my 10 year old cuzin Kelsi overheard, and wanted to know who they were too...and go figure, she thinks they're hott too! I went back out there and they had left, so I went and sat by my 12 year old cuzin Kelli and talked to her. A little while later they came back (about 15 minutes). Nick sat down a little to the left of me and across the table...Eric B. and the fugly friend went and got food....I told Kelli to scoot over--hoping Eric B. would sit by me....but the fugly friend did, and Eric B. sat on the other side... :( . And then someone drove up and I wanted to see who's vehicle it was so I looked behind the guys, and Eric B. turned around and copied me and he's like "I saw that" and I'm like "huh? what?" and he's like "you were looking at me" and I'm like "no I was looking at who's vehicle that was" but what I was really thinking was that I was really looking that way to see him lol....and then he laughed haha. A little later Nick was gonna go get a cup of beer from the keg, and obviously it wasn't working because it was done, and he got about a centimeter of beer and about 2 inches of foam, and he's like "FUCK IT" and I'm like "yeah the keg was gone at about 4" and the fugly friend was like "so therefore they're all wasted and will be even more drunk tonight?" and I'm like "yea I don't like beer" and they looked at me and the fugly friend was like "well what do you like then?" and I said Smirnoff Ice and he asked if I tried the black-sumthin (lol I dk exactly), and I'm like "yeah sure" and he goes "you haven't tried it yet?!" and I said no, and he said that I should try it and I told them that if they get it I'd come over (but they're not 21 yet, so they couldn't)...yeah it was great. Then there was a mosquito and I tried killing it with one hand but that didn't work, and the fugly friend got it with 2 hands, and he couldn't get the mosquito off of his finger, and then he wiped it off over my pants....it was gross! The whole time the fugly friend and Eric B. were whispering and looking at me....it was kinda creepy lol. OMG this is creepy!!.......okay I was talking to Kelli and I heard the fugly friend go "A KISS?????" so I looked over and Nick smiled and said yes and then looked at me, and then they all started laughing...I don't know what they were talking about, but I wanna know now!!!!!! lol.

That night my aunt Lynnette, her husband John, and daughter Kelsi stayed overnight, and today my little sister went with them for 2 weeks. That means I get the house to myself during the day when my 'rents are at work....for 2 whole weeks!!! I'm so glad--no annoying sister to deal with..and my older sister moved out so I'll be ALL by myself!! WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!

Well sorry this was so long, just thought I'd leave a nice update for you all!! For the first time in a LONG WHILE I couldn't stop smiling when Nick and his friends were there on Saturday....it was amazing!!

<3 Amor Siempre
~*NICOLE*~

Yesterday my friend Emma told me to get yahoo messenger...so I did, thinking I wouldn't have anyone to talk to and that all I'd do is meet stupid people and stuff. Turns out--I was totally wrong....she told me to go into a chatroom and I typed "15/f/mn IM me if ya wanna talk" and I got 3 IM's...well I only added one, because he seemed like a total sweetheart and I started to like him a little, but I'm not gonna fall for him since he lives in Texas. He's done some things that he regrets (I'm not saying anything),  and some things that have affected him..like the death of his father--and he's been depressed for a while...so I wanted to help him out and stuff. He's such a nice guy, and I don't want him to feel like this. Here's some parts of the conversation (I changed his name so that it wasn't his sn, and mine's the smile like you've never been hurt one)::

smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: well if i were there it woulda been way better...
Ricky: u know it beautiful, coulda kept me company in my time of depression but then again who would wanna do that
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: i would
Ricky: im boring
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: no ur not
Ricky: am too, i dont see how u put up wit me beautiufl
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: what do you mean....i can put up with a lot of shit...and plus i like talkin to you
Ricky: well thats exactly y i love talkin to u, i swear i wish girls were like u here in texas, i mean ur soo understandin

Ricky: remember i really screwed up, u dont want guys like me that will hurt girls like u
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: nooooooo i don't care about that....its a mistake....you didnt purposly do it! and i still like you even though you screwed up
Ricky : i really have to apologize to u
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: why??
Ricky: for givin u  a bad impression about me,  im not liek that, i mean for one girls cryin breaks my heart no matter who they are, even if id otn knwo them it like the saddest thing on earth to me
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: its all okay.....you didn't give me a bad impression about you...first off you said you were drunk and i kno when people are drunk they lose control and dont konw what theyre doing--been there done that......i forgive you, although in my mind you havent done ne thing to differ my thoughts about you
Ricky: ur really something, u know that?
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: i am??
Ricky: yeah to me u are
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: why?
Ricky: cuz ur so understandin, u look past my all my faults,my evil shit

Ricky: but its different wit me, my hard life and my actions, i dont know if im suppossed to be a hard ass or a softie, i mean ive been in alot of fights, but i always offer a shoulder for girls to cry on
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: you can be both at the same time....strong for yourself and the girl who's crying on your shoulder....but yet a softie for making her feel special and loved, and making yourself feel like you've accomplished something great--like letting someone vent and helping them
Ricky: but is that really who i am, ive done too much bad shit
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: everyone has done bad stuff and experianced it....but sumtime you gotta get past it and know that you're a stronger person for holding through it all
Ricky: but i let so many people down
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: yes but you're not perfect, and neither are they and you've also got to see the good things you've done for people--you can't just look at all the bad things all the time

smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: you cant kick yourself for something that happened in the past--sometime you gotta look past all that stuff and see what the future holds for you, not what the past has done to you
Ricky: this is not wat i meant for me in life

Ricky : still i need to repay u
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: with what? and why??
Ricky: cuz u've helped osmething heal lil bit, all ive been hearing is how fucked up ive been, and u.....u didnt tell me wat i needed to hear, u just gave me sympathy a complete stranger
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: as you can see im not like a lot of other people....ive been hurt and gone through enough shit that helping people has become something that helps me...something that cheers me up when i see someone else starting to improve...........im not like every other girl or guy
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: but it seems like no one has ever realized that until now....when i met you
Ricky : u know........ur soo special, u know that, all my goal has been to is to find myself by helpin others before ive gone to far to be helped, and u........u have an amazin heart,u really are a special girl

smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: you do too deserve my help--you don't deserve to be sad and feel like shit...you're too sweet and nice to be someone who's sad all the time...
Ricky: its someone ive gotten used to
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: yeah but you shouldn't NEED to get used to  a feeling like that
Ricky : well its a lil late for that beautiful, u do make me feel better though
smillkeuvenvrbnhurt: well thats good....i dont wanna make you feel more sad
Ricky : u really help beautiful

Oh man he's so sweet...and he's been through soooo much shit it's wierd, but he's so cool. I wish he wasn't so sweet...either he still was and just lived up here, that would be awesome!

Well me and my mind will go think in my room now...I'm really tired and stuff.....my eyes hurt..and my mind is tossed up by thinking of Eric B. and Ricky....man, this has gotta stop sometime lol.

<3 NICole

  Alright, once again I'm happy!! Yay...I wonder how long it'll last this time! lol it better last for a while..he said forever! WARNING:: LONG ENTRY!!!!

  Friday night we went to my uncles house to drop of my sisters new cell phone so she can call from up there and not have it be long distance, cuz she's staying with my uncle and his 2 daughters while she goes to college up there. I got her old cell phone, but it's a virgin mobile, so that sucks...but oh well.

  Last week was Megan's last week of chemotherapy treatments. They did some blood tests and a CAT scan on her on Friday, and as of right now she's CANCER FREE (knock on wood)!!! So hopefully it stays away! Every month she has to get blood tests done, and every 3 months she has to get a CAT scan don to make sure the cancer hasn't come back yet. Megan's only 6, and doesn't deserve to have the cancer come back like her mommy's did--and that's what lead to Terry's death..the cancer coming back. Please pray for her!! I'm sure everyone's prayers helped a ton before, but now she really needs it so that the cancer stays away! THANK YOU ALL!!

  August 9th through the 16th is when I'm gonna be going to Florida. I'm not sure what town it is, but the people I'm going with have a condo down there! It's a private one, with a swimming pool and hot tub with a waterfall in it, and me n my sister are sharing a room (2 beds and a tv in the room we're staying in). My parents had to only pay $350 for me to go--that's including the plane ticket, and pays for everything we're doing down there. I thought that was a pretty good deal, cuz the only thing I have to save money for is if I want to buy anything down there..I'm SO excited!!!! :)

  Okay, so I know I said that Weston was way different than all the other guys I've liked so far, but ever since I met Ricky it's changed. My definition of "different than the other guys" is him...he's the most sweet, nice, funny, caring, and hott guy I've met in forever! Ricky's truely different--he's my own Prince Charming!! In the past week of getting ot know him, it's like now I can't get enough of him. I go to bed after talking to him, and all I do til I fall asleep is think about him, and then I have a wonderful dream sometimes to tell him the next day. I wake up feeling like I want to go back to sleep and dream, because that's where I can be right next to him the most. When I first met him, I didn't think I'd ever be able to fall like this again so shortly after I felt like I had gotten hurt the most by Weston...but maybe it's because I'm so vulnerable or something...I don't know. I seem to wait for each night becuase I know I can be happy just by talking to him. He seems to notice more things that I've noticed other guys haven't ever noticed or it takes them forever to say something about it. It took me a few days to realize that he's what I've been missing in my life for so long. He's captured my heart, and now it seems like I don't know what I'd do without him! I thought him all the time, and missed him so much this weekend!! TONIGHT HE ASKED ME OUT TOO!!.......and of course I said yes.

  Oh, and me and im were talking about beaches, and my cabin came up (it's on a lake), cuz I don't swim down here cuz the lakes are icky, and here's what went on after that ----> ---->
Me: I want the sun to be out, but the forecast looks like rain again..I wanted to go swimming or get a tan!
Ricky: so do i, thats all i want in Texas...well one of the things I want....
Me: lol whats the other...me???
Ricky: lol no the easter buny 
Me: lol
Ricky: of course you, i would like die if i saw you here
Me: no you wouldn't  
Ricky: yes i would, id be like to my friends, look thats her...
Me: you've told your friends about me??
Ricky: yeah that i met an amazing girl
Me: yeah?? and what did they say, "yeah right"  ???
Ricky: wow man looks like ur coming around instead of being all bummed out n what not 

  I don't know about you all, but I think that's so sweet!! He always calls me beautiful, or baby, or babygirl...he's way too sweet, but I like it for sure!! hm...I really wish he were here!!!!

  Well, I'm gonna go to bed now, but I'll update more sometime soon maybe..I don't know!

~**NICOLE**~

   Okay, I've never had a boyfriend like Ricky, but I'm starting to get a little confused. I know I like him a lot and I know he likes me too....but I've never had a boyfriend who lived this far away or anything. He's the biggest sweetheart and a hopeless romantic, he trys to make everything seem perfect...but I don't know how long I can actually hang onto him...without him here it's so hard!!! I know it's stupid of me to say--but I've been having doubts...I mean I still want to be with him, but I don't know. I'm confused..I've never really had a boyfriend who I couldn't just call and talk to any time I wanted to, or someone who I couldn't just go over to their house and cuddle with or hang out with them....although I've only had one boyfriend, and I've never been kissed. I'm thinking that if I find someone here who's worth it, I'm going to break it off with Ricky, but I don't want to hurt him after all he's been through, and after he likes me soooo much. I can't stand the distance, and I want to be close to him, but I feel like we've actually gotten farther apart since sunday night...he hasn't been online at all, and I just havent talked to him....it's confusing and I hate it! I don't know what to do...............I feel spaced and confused, and scared I'm gonna get hurt, and just all around miserable. I don't want things to end, but then again I don't want to hold on for too long because someday soon I know I'm gonna make the mistake somehow by falling hard for someone here despite that I already have Ricky. I don't know what to do, but I feel like I do??....if that makes any sense at all. I want to cry but the tears won't come...I want to scream but the sound won't come out...I wanna give up but the will to isn't here...I want to be the girl he clings to but he isn't here...

   Well, I'm gonna go but I'll post another thing later or tomorrow or something! I think I need some help or advice or something.........

~*NICOLE*~

   Alright, after talking to Ricky tonight....I realized that the distance is way too much for a girl my age to handle, ya know?? I feel really really guilty now though....I didn't want to really do it but when we're older maybe it'll work out better because then we can afford to go see each other and stuff...I just didn't think it would be this hard to break up with someone...I feel soooooooooo bad. I hate this...I feel like crying...I want the pain to go away!!! He said he understands and everything, but that I'm the only girl who matters to him and he'll wait for me but I can see other guys and stuff...he'll still be there waiting for me in the end. He also said that that i should see other guys but he'll wait for me til im older and not see any other girls....and he's like "if you find a guy better than me, and you will, someone who will treat you like a princess go for him...you'll find him baby, he'll treat you like a princess, give you all the things you want, make you happy..." but I don't want a guy to buy me everything...just being with them makes me sooooo happy. I think I'll just try to find someone closer like him??...I don't really know what I want, or what to do...but I'll think of something

   Well..maybe in a different post I'll talk about it more, right now it hurts to talk about it..I'm almost in tears..me and my stupid head need to go cry....g'nite all!!!

~*NICOLE*~

Alrighty guys, I'm done with the whole relationship thing..I'm done for. I got over Ricky most of the way, even though last night talking to him made me really think....but I think this one really did me in, and I'm not gonna trust people (mostly guys), as easy as I have in the past, ya know?? I guess I'm too sensitive to things like this and I cave in easy when it comes to sweet guys...as of now I'm just not going to be able to fall that easy and not trust that soon. Maybe I cared too much about what I did, and I cared too much about how this was going to affect not only me, but everyone around me--including him. I don't really know. The song Scars by Papa Roach really applies to me I think...haha yeah cuz I think I do care too much about everything--including what people think of me, and I really need to stop thinking soo much about what everyone's thinking about me, and just be who I am without regrets and stuff.

You know how everyone's always saying "BE YOURSELF"??? Well, what if people don't really know how to be themselves...or who they really are. This society today has brought up kids to act like they're fake and someone they're not just to impress people...some people don't know who their "self" is..just because they've had to be fake all their lives and they don't know who they really are or what they want to do with themselves. I'm not saying I'm fake, but I just had to type that cuz I heard that song Be Yourself by Audioslave and it kind of mad me wonder..ya know??

Hey, I need a little help here...okay this guy from Big Lake (not very far at all from where I live..maybe 10-20 minutes), named Rob..who I've talked to quite a lot, and I've met once..is getting his license on June 30th (that's if he passes), and he's always been hinting that we hang out and stuff. Well, monday night (online) he asked me if I liked the White Castle..and being tired and just me, I said I didn't even know what that was but I'd heard of it. He told me it was a great restaraunt to eat and stuff...and he said something about me going there with him to celebrate when he gets his license. And I said that I would but I couldn't because I didn't have money or a ride there, and he said that's why he asked me to come with him. And I said "You'd pay for me?" and he said "of course, I have lotsa money and I'd pick you up." So what I wanna know...is that if my thoughts are right...is he asking me out on a date, or hinting at one?? I wasn't really sure, but I didn't want to just flat-out ask....ya know?

Well, I have to go make supper for myself and everything since my parents are gone and I got the house to myself so I'm bored. Tell me what you think about the whole Rob thing. THANKS TO ALL MY FRIENDS FOR HELPING ME THROUGH GETTING OVER RICKY AND NOT MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FOOL FOR BREAKING UP WITH HIM...YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!

~*NIcoLE*~

I blognapped this from   darksunshine 

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play!!

Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play!

Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from!!

Step 4: Cross out or color the lines when someone guesses correctly.

~DON’T U DARE CHEAT…~

[1] Lovin’ like a bomb, baby come on get it on!

[2] Looking back at me, I see that I never really got it right. I never stopped to think of you. I’m always wrapped up in things I can’t win…

[3] I’ve been dying to tell you anything you wanna hear, cuz that’s just who I am this week…

[4] Looking back, I clearly see what it is that’s killing me..

[5] You left me with goodbye and open arms…a cut so deep I don’t deserve..

[6] Living without you, living alone-this empty house is so cold…

[7] I can’t believe you had the nerve to say the things you said, it hurt so bad that they ended our relationship…

[8] The faster we’re falling, we’re stopping and stalling, we’re running in circles again..just as things were looking up, you said it wasn’t good enough…

[9] I hope I never wake up, I dream about you all the time now. I don’t wanna face another night without you here…

[10] Come on, baby, make it hurt so good, cuz sometimes love don’t feel like it should…you make it hurt so good.

[11] All those times before were never this unclear. It’s hard to walk when you can’t even run…once I had this world, but now I’ve lost it all…

[12] You see the same damn thing-it’s just a different day, and no one really knows why this is happening…

[13] What would you do if I asked you not to go? Would you forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me? Would you take my hand and never let me go?

[14] Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone…

[15] I hate the car lectures you give me on the ride home while blasting Aerosmith on your fucking radio!

[16] If I die before I wake, at least in heaven I can skate…cuz right now on Earth I can’t do jack without the man up on my back!

[17] Driving me under, leaving me out there—Go ahead and throw your life away!!

[18] And rain falls heavy on the tin roof, as we lie awake in my bed. You’re my survival, you’re my living proof. My love is alive and not dead.

[19] And I almost had you, but I guess that doesn’t cut it…almost loved you, I almost wished you would’ve loved me too!

[20] I tried to help you once against my own advice. I saw you going down, but you never realized that you’re drowning in the water, so I offered you my hand. Compassion’s in my nature, tonight is our last stand…

[21] I prayed for someone like you, and I thank God that I, that I finally found you…

[22] Spare me just three last words. I love you is all she heard. I’ll wait for you, but I can’t wait forever…and I can’t make it on my own, because my heart is in Ohio…

[23] One more kiss could be the best thing…one more lie could be the worst…

[24] I never cared how I dressed before, but I cared that night. Anticipation ran through my bones, and my clothes never fit right…I can’t wait til we meet again…

[25] Did his mom and daddy forget to say ‘I love you, son’? Did no one see the writing on the wall?

Okay everybody, NO CHEATING!!!!!...just GUESSING or KNOWING!!!

  Hey...my song thing didn't get finished yet!! LOL, you guys haven't guessed all of them yet!!

  OMG I was soooo pissed off on Saturday night!! My uncle and his 5 year old daughter, Madison (who had a heart transplant when she was 5 months old, and has a cochlear implant because of the medication she was on in the hospital, and it delayed her learning/speech), stayed at our cabin. My uncle (Dennis), always brought her to our cabin about 2 summers ago (did this for a long time!), put in a movie, and snuck (SP?) out on her without saying where he was going, if he'd be back or anything...and he did it A LOT...so now every time they come over she panics and stuff, because she's afraid he's going to leave her here again. Well, he was putting her to bed upstairs in our room (he was sleeping downstairs), and she just kept crying for like--an hour...because he wouldn't let her sleep where he was (so she'd know that he was actually there). He just left her cry and scream "DADDY!" for almost an hour, and then my little sister layed with her and she calmed down a little and finally fell asleep. Wehn my little sister first layed down with her, I went downstairs to get my sweatshirt and cell phone off a chair (my uncle was in the bathroom, my mom was on a chair, and my dad was standing by the counter where my stuff was), and I went to the counter, grabbed my sweatshirt and said, "Erin's laying with her because she won't stop crying, cuz she's scared to be here because of all the times Dennis would leave her here," and my dad's like, "Oh, don't give me that," and I inturrupted by saying, "I am going to give you that, because it's the truth!!" and then I went upstairs, and heard my dad say something. This morning I asked my mom what he said and he's like "well wait til she has kids" and she said "we didn't treat our kids like that" oh man if I were down there he would've gotten a faceful of words....I woulda been like "yeah well at least my kids won't be afraid to come to their family's houses!" and a bunch more shit. I almost started crying when I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth because it kills me inside to know that every time she comes to our cabin she clings to Dennis, because she's afraid he'll leave her here!!...my eyes were filled, and the tears were ready to slide down my cheeks. She can't talk that well because she missed a lot when she was in the hospital for 6 months (the babbling stage and everything like that), when she needed the heart transplant, so her speech is really delayed...and she doesn't say much, but wouldn't you notice that when she only gets clingy, cries and panics is when she comes to our house...that something's not right???!!! It's pretty bad that my mom, me, and little sister have to deal with it, and know about it--and her own damn father doesn't!! She completly loses all trust in him when they come to my cabin---it's so hard for me to see it and not say anything because he'll tell my dad, and then I'll get bitched at for stating the fucking truth!! If my dad asks me about it, I'm not denying any of it because I know it's the truth, and I have people to back me up on it!...he could slap, punch, beat the shit outta me, and I still wouldn't take it back or deny the truth. Oh man, I was so close to tears on Saturday, but I blinked them away because I didn't want Erin to see me crying...

  Today we went to a graduation party for a family friend...and Shelly (Michelle), was actually very polite and stuff for a change--usually she's all stand-offish and doesn't like to talk to us that much, n she was way different today! It was soooo fun, even though it was really hot! Me and my cuzin Kelli played a little volleyball with Nick and some other people, and sat in the shade and talked, and then towards the end I was chasing her with cold water and splashing it on her..haha good times! OMG Nick is so fucking hott!! Wow, he was playing volleyball with his shirt off....maaaaannn he's got a good body!....too bad his hott friend Eric B. wasn't there with him...but the fugly friend that was with him n Eric B. at my sisters graduation party was there :( lol. Hey, I know I mention a lot of guys on here, but I'm young, single, free to flirt, and free to look..as long as I'm single I can do all that without getting in trouble lol.

  Well, I'm gonna go, but I'll post more a different day!...prolly tomorrow!!

~*NICOLE*~

  Well, I just read a few people's blogs about a friend of theirs dying from being drunk and driving. It kind of made me realize some things I never had thought about much before. My uncle is an alcholic, and he drinks and drives...it scares me because of what he's doing to slowly kill himself and possibly kill someone else in an accident...he needs help but I can't say anything to him, because he has to realize that he needs to get some help by himself. I can't stop hiim from drinking from the moment he awakens to the moment he falls asleep, but it hurts me to know that drinking is killing him, and hurting many people around him....he got divorced years ago (I don't know how many), and then he had a girlfriend for a year and a half, and she broke up with him...it was all because of his drinking and the fact that he was an emotional abuser...he didn't physically abuse them, but mentally and emotionaly he slowly brought them down until they couldn't handle it anymore, and had to get out. I hate when he stays at my house because I'm always afraid something bad is going to happen while he's there...it just scares me.

  Another thing I was thinking about, was one of the accidents that happened on the highway right by my house. My neighbor's friend was walking home one night from my neighbor's (my babysitter back when I was younger), house, and she was crossing the intersection....a drunk driver hit her and instantly killed her. I know a lot of teenagers have it in their head that nothing will ever happen to them, and that they can do anything....but as a teenager with a lot of stuff that's happened to me and touched my heart, I know I'm not invincable and I know I things could happen to me that will be unexpected. I wish I could get into the minds of some of the teenagers that drink to get drunk or drink to make their problems go away for the time they're loaded with alcohol, and tell them not to drive or not to drink so much...something could happen to them and it could cost their lives and possibly someone elses life too. I know for a fact that I won't ever drink and drive because I won't trust myself, and I won't want to make someone elses life a living hell because I killed someone else, and possibly myself. I don't want to be like the teenagers who drink and think they can do anything when they're drunk--I won't let myself do that!!!

  Well, I guess I just had to type something on that topic...it gave me something to write about and I guess I needed to say something that would hopefully get into some people's heads...DON'T EVER DRINK AND DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE...I don't want to lose any one of you!!

~*NICOLE*~

   I got a new cd on Thursday or Friday...and it was Breaking Point's cd Beautiful Disorder...it's really really good. Lol, I'm typing this as I listen so a line or a few words might be wrong...like the part where I couldn't understand what they said so I just put (i dk this part). But yeah, it's the truth--a lot of people are fake now days and don't know what they are or who they want to be--they just copy other people and famous stars. It kind of supports one of my posts a while ago too! 

Breaking Point (dk what the song is yet...sry--my mom didnt have the case cuz it was laying on her desk at work when she got there)

We shape our lives by what we see on the tv
And now we're lost
Not knowing who or what to be
And all our lives we're running high
Never knowing what's the truth
Behind our eyes with (i dk this part)
Have led us to believe

We're all living on reality shows
And everyone is always acting a role
And all our lives it's stereo
Cuz we're living a reality show

I see the picture
That's painted on the screen
And I don't even know
What's real or fantasy
But I realize all our lives can not change
The way I choose to live my life
Tell all lies to everyone to see

We're all living a reality show
And everyone is always acting a role
And all our lives it's stereo
Cuz we're living a reality show

And I'm trying to not to notice
But I'm losing all the bogus in my life
In my life!!!!

Oh we're all living a reality show
And eveeryone is always acting a role
And all our lives it's stereo
Cuz we're all living a reality show

I don't know about you all, but I like that song...well I like their whole cd! Hm...I think I'm going to go but I'll post more later tonight!!!

~*NICOLE*~

  Today I worked for almost 4 hours and then I had to come home and mow the stupid lawn. It sucked...I wish it would just stop growing and stay the length it is right now lol. But anyways, when I was at Eva's house (where I work), her little brother (he's like 5), wanted me to go with him to this thing, and he called me a big-butt so I said that if i was his friend that he was gonna bring to his awana thing then he wouldnt be calling me that, and he appologized and hugged me and kissed my arm. He's a cutie...and he has the HUGEST crush on me...has since he was like--3....and I think it's become an obsession for him lol its really cute though when I'm leaving their house and he opens the door after I'm almost past their house and yells "bye i love you!!" out the door.  It's sooo funny!

  Friday night I'm getting my hair trimmed, and then Saturday morning I'm gonna get my hair highlighted...it's gonna be chunkier highlights, but it'll look good. I trust my mom, because every other place I've gone has fucked up my hair lol.

  When I have to mow the lawn, I always do it in my bikini, and today I had these guys that were putting windows in a house 2 down from mine staring at me...I wanted to go over there and be like "Don't you have work to do? the staring show is over!" but I didn't and I just ignored them. I got a nice tan though, that's the only good thing about mowing the lawn today. Omg, right now, I'm more tan than I was at the END of last summer...this is gonna be a good summer to get really tan skin!!! woo hoo! But hey--I gotta get my nice tan skin before I go to Florida so I don't look like a pale freak....not that I'm ever pale anyways lol.

  Oh man...I still talk to Ricky every night...and even though I'm over him it still hurts me sometimes, cuz I kinda still like him...so I guess I'm not all the way over him, right? He had his webcam on, and he smiled sooo sweetly at me, I thought my heart would break....well not really, I just hate it when he smiles at me, because I think of all the times we never had because of the distance, and the times we probably won't ever have. Oh well, I guess someday I'll find someone like him that's here...and I'll spend the rest of my life with him. I really wish Ricky lived here though...that would be so awesome!! Well, I guess I'll HAVE to find someone new though...because I can't just hold onto something that I'm never really going to be able to hug and kiss and everything with Ricky. Hm...guys here are really stupid, and are all almost the same though!! (sorry guys...it's true--a lot of you are the same).

  Holy shit....my knees have hurt for the past 5-6 days, and it's really starting to bug me. On Friday night, my left knee started to hurt when we went to someone's house, and by the end of the night my whole leg hurt...from my hips to my toes. It was sooo bad. Since then they've both hurt off and on...but today it's been a constant pain. My back has hurt for like--ever it seems like. Well, since my parents don't care enough to bring me to the doctor (I've asked them to bring me, and they don't think it's anything at all...), then I guess if it's cancer, I hope I rack up a huge bill for them to pay, and it tortures them that they didn't bring me in any sooner.

  Well, I don't know what else to write....so I'm gonna go now. Tomorrow if the sun's out I'm just gonna get a nice tan...even though if I don't already have cancer I'll probably get it later in life.

<3 Nicole

Holy crap....another person I know having cancer. There's been 3 people in my family that have DIED from cancer, one survivor in my family, a family friend who died of cancer...and now a Jenne's friend has it...and it started almost the same way my cuzins did, cept she hurt hers in track...

My 6 year old cuzin got diagnosed with cancer in August. They found it because she fell off her bike, and 3 months later it still hurt, so her dad took her in, and they found a tumor in her pelvic area, attatched to the main artery that goes into her left leg..when they did a body scan, they found 2 spots on her left lung and 2 spots on her brain. Less than a week after they diagnosed her with rhabdomyosarcoma cancer, they did surgery to take the tumor out. They only got an apple-size out, and there was more than half still there. She did chemotherapy treatments for a while, and the tumor shrunk enough so they could get it all out, and the spots on her lung and brain were gone. They had her on chemotherapy treatments until about 2 weeks ago...and now she's cancer free for now....but there's always that chance that it'll come back.

This all makes me soooooo worried....it kind of runs in my family a little, and now that one of my friends has it, it makes me wonder....since my knee has hurt for about 4-5 months...do I have cancer too????? Am I gonna die at the age of 15?? When I tell my mom about my knee (I have since the pain started, and lately it's gotten worse), she says "oh...that's weird" and my dad says nothing to it....they don't care--they'd probably rather see me gone...I'm the middle child--what have they got to look forward to in me?! Nothing I guess....except a person who has set goals for herself and wants to be an RN to help little kids in a Children's Hospital...on the oncology floor (cancer floor)....hmm, I guess I got a lot going for me!...but they just don't realize how much I have planned for my life. It seems like the only people who care are my friends, my little sister, and my one cuzin who lives so far away.....

Well okay...enough venting tonight...I'm scared as hell now, and worried, and all teary-eyed....I don't know what to say or think or do...I'm confused.

~*NICOLE*~

JENNE Don't you dare leave me! I know suicide (and cutting...control...my ass!! It's an addiction.), seems like the only thing that's gonna solve your problems right now--but the truth is--it's not!!!! I know how it feels to want to die and feel like everyone's giving up on you, I've been there....but I held on through the tough times and now I'm here--wonderful as can be...I know I get sad and seem depressed sometimes but I still always come back to that happy Nicoley that everyone likes. It seems like everyone's giving up and fading away from you, but they're not...I'm not ever going to give up on you, and like Chae and Tony and a bunch of other friends of yours--neither are they. You can't let what you know who and her brother says get to you...I know it's not easy because I'm the type of person who gives in easily to pain and worriedness..it's hard, but you can't give up because of that. To them--it's so fun to see you hurting because of what they did to you and they'd probably love to see you dead.....but I wouldn't. True friends never give up on other friends---I can't let you go. And you can't give in! All those nights I was down and low, you're one of the people who got me to smile--now I'll try and help you the same way. But you gotta promise me one thing--you can't give up on life!!!!!!!!

Woo Hoo...I might be going to Warped Tour on July 24th!!!!! Trivia's mom is buying the tickets and bringing us there if I can go...and from the looks of it right now--my parents will say yes. I don't know for sure, but I can only hope and pray. They have to "talk about it" and then I'll get the answer. But some of the bands I really really like are going to be there, and I can't miss out on an opportunity like this!! I REALLY HOPE I CAN GO!!!! I mean come on, I don't have to pay for the ticket, or find a way down there, or find someone to go with--they just have to let me go!

OOOOO I love thunderstorms, but I'm gonna have to go soon and blog about this a different time because I don't want my parents or sister to wake up and find me out there---I for sure wouldn't be going to Warped Tour or Florida!!

~*NICOLE*~

   Okay so the weekend that Warped Tour is gonna be in Minnesota---I can't go! Some of my family's gonna be at our cabin and Saturday night we're having a get-together type thing....and it's most likely gonna be a late night--so therefore we won't be able to make it back in time on Sunday. We'd have to leave by 7am just to get down here in time, and leave enough time for Triv's mom to bring us down there, and be there by 11:00am.....and I know I sure won't be outta bed that early--that's way too early! Ugh that just blows!! But Trivia's gonna get a T-shirt for me...a Fall Out Boy or The Starting Line one...I really really wanted to meet Fall Out Boy, but my dreams are shattered now... :( . I'm gonna be a little crabby that day---maybe next year they'll learn to let me go....lol.

   Woo Hoo!!! Jenne I'm sooo glad you didn't decide to do what you were going to do. Suicide is NEVER the answer!!!! You can never ever ever leave me...you're such a great friend, and nothing could change that. What would I have done some of those nights when I needed a laugh...or just someone to talk to...or to vent to a friend??? Um, I definetly would be dead or I'd have run away...

    Since I can't go to Warped Tour, my parents better let me go to Valley Fair with Trivia, Alan, Taylor, Lee, and Mary!!!!!! I hope Alan, Taylor, and Lee don't come up here the weekend I'm in Florida...cuz I'd be sad! The one chance I get to meet them face-to-face, and if I can't go then it'll be ruined. And I wanna go so bad, but I hope Alan puts off going the weekend of Triv's brother's wedding, and the next weekend, cuz I'll be in Florida. Hm...Valley Fair sounds fun!!!! 

    Ugh, I can't believe I still like Alan. I mean--it's not as much as I did in the beginning (last summer)....but I still like him. And when I dumped him I knew I was doing the wrong thing, I just didn't want to admit it...but I didn't want Trivia mad at me forever, and I couldn't lose her over a guy--specially one of her best friends. So when he started going out with Jordyn in October I got sooooooo jealous, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want anything to happen between them and it be all because of me. Well, when they were having problems, I was a little happy but at the same I was sad because he was...and I didn't want him to get hurt. When I found out she broke up with him---I'll be honest--I was happy...I jumped up and down and smiled so huge. I then realized that I never have a chance in hell with him anyways...so I know I should just let go. I think he likes Trivia now anyways.....and after everything that's happened with his last gf and stuff...and I don't think he'd ever fall for me again....I'm not that special. I have to get over him now...I can't just hang on and keep waiting for that one day when we might be able to be together again. I'm done...I can't hurt like this. I want him to be happy--even if I'm not in his life, but I'm not gonna be able to hold on forever.

   I talk to Ricky every night...and he's such a sweetheart. I don't know why he'd want a girl like me though--he told me he'd wait forever for me...and that's what he's done so far..I don't get it. I still like him too though, but I've gotta admit--not as much as I did when I first met him.  He's such a sweetheart though!!! Gosh I wish there were guys like him here!!!!!!!

   Alrighty--enough venting...I'm done with this entry for today. HAVE A HAPPY 4TH OF JULY EVERYONE!! And Happy Birthday to JENNE!!!!!!!!

<3 Nicole

Wow, I had a wonderful weekend. This is gonna be a short one for now, but I'll post a really long one later tonight--I promise!! I got so attatched to this little girl...and I can honestly say Kirstin's the CUTEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!! I have pics, but I gotta take them to get developed, so if I can figure out how to get them on here then I will post some of her. I'll tell ya more about her tonight too....wow. It was a great weekend though!

~*NICOLE*~    <3 ya all!!!

WARNING:: LONG ENTRY!!!!!

I finally had a great weekend!! I had a lot of fun..and saw a few hott guys too! By the way--there's another Eric...a hott one too (Eric Kuchafer)!!!

My little sister's friend Eva came up to our cabin with us, and on Friday night we all just kinda relaxed and watched movies.

Saturday we took rafts out on the lake and tanned while floating to the other side of the lake. Then we paddled back, flipped, and did it again. That night we (me, Erin, and Eva), went over to Steve and Nancy's cabin (2nd cousins), and they had company up (that we already knew). This is where Eric K. and Kirstin come into play!! Eric's (20 or 21), little girl Kirstin (2 years old), is soooooo cute (I'll tell more about Eric and Kirstin in the next paragraph)!!! Then the guys set off fireworks, and Eric, Kirstin, Me, Megan (6 years old), and Amanda (4 years old), went inside. We sorta watched parts of 'Are We There Yet?' Eric had a headache, so he went to lay down on one of the beds, and Kirstin goes "DADDY!!!" really loud after a lil but, cuz she wanted to know where he went lol. She's the most ADORABLE little girl I've EVER seen!!! After Eric layed down, Josh (9 years old..has a crush on me), came in the cabin and restarted the movie. Josh sat on the left arm part of the chair, Amanda was on the couch to the left of me, Kirstin was on my lap, and Megan was to the right of me all cuddled up against me....and Kelly (Megan, Josh and Amanda's mom), goes "Wow, she's just a natural!" to Jodi (Kirstin's Grandma). It was funny, cuz I had all the littler kids (I love them!!) on the couch with me...it was great!!!

Now about Eric!! He's about 20 or 21 years old, and is Kirstin's daddy. Kirstin's mom and him broke up, and then she found out she was pregnant. That was when Eric was about 18 or 19. Kirstin is such a cutie, and has the looks of Eric's side, and I guess has the hair color of her mom...but I haven't seen her since they're not together and I never got to meet her when they were. Eric takes her EVERY weekend, and by the looks of it--he's a VERY good Dad. He's really really good looking too....wow I'm a dork! Too bad I'm not 18, 19, or somewhere around that age....I'd definetly make a move--being with him, and getting to be a part of Kirstin's life would be heaven to me!!!

Sunday morning I went straight over to Nancy and Steve's (Eric left early that morning). Kirstin was ready and going. I got soo close to her that day--I totally fell in love with her, and she got me tightly wrapped around her finger!! lol. Haha, she got a pop out of the cooler and brought it to Jodi (Mama---the first "am" sounds like the word am), and Mike (Papa), asked her to get him a water, so she went back to the cooler again. The first thing she grabbed was a bottle of beer, and Mike goes "No that's not water..." and she put it back. I think she found water, but couldn't get it out. She dipped her hand in and got a little hand full of water and looked up and pulled her hand out of the cooler and says, "Here Papa!!" Omg it was soooooooo funny!! Later I took her on a 4-wheeler ride to see the horses and cows at the neighbors house across from my cabin, and Kirstin goes "LOOK!! There's the moo-moo's!!!" It was so cute...like her! Then towards the night Steve set off a fire-cracker, and she goes "Moly, Moly!"...meaning Holy Moly. It was really really funny! There was a lot more stuff, like when I took her swimming and to get icecream and stuff, but that's a lot to type. I'll try to figure out how to get pictures on here so I can show you what she looks like...but I have to get my film developed first. Man, she's so adorable!!!!!!!

And I also TRIED water-skiing for my first time. The first time I tried getting up, the water pulled my legs and I was almost doing the splitz...I think I pulled some muscles, so now my legs hurt so bad! My dad told me that when I walk it looks like I have a stick up my ass! lol. I ALMOST got up the second time, but I fell! I tried a few more times and didn't get up, so we went up to the house and ate supper. At least I was a good sport about it though! I'm trying again some other weekend....I'm determined to get up and going!!!

On Monday night, we (me, Erin and Eva), went skinny-dipping before we went to the fireworks in town! It was fun I guess...but it woulda been better if Nick, or either of the hott Eric's (Beckman or Kuchafer), were there lol. I've only been skinny-dipping twice now lol. After we were done swimming (we only went in the nude for like 10 minutes and then got back in our swimsuits and washed our hair), we all got ready and went into town for the 4th of July festivities, and then the fireworks were later that night. There was a really hott guy there too!!! I didn't notice until Eva pointed it out, but almost everywhere we went--he was there! He was very cute though! But the bad thing--I think he had a girlfriend there....Damnit!! I always seem to fall for the guys that have girlfriends...and it sucks so bad! I guess I'm not good enough....oh well though.

Today, I got up and it was raining. So I packed my stuff, and did basically nothing the rest of the day til we left. I had a great weekend though...very fun-filled!!

I'm gonna go now, but I'll post some other time when I have something to say!!

<3 ya!!  ~*NICOLE*~

Oh Gosh, I miss Kirstin sooooo much. God, I guess I got more attatched to her then I thought I did lol. I wish time could go back to Saturday when I first seen her...cuz then I could talk to Eric Kuchafer (her dad), and get closer with her sooner than I did. I'm a dork, I know. It's just---wow she was the cutest little girl, and soo talkitive for only being 2 years old...but she was so funny! If I can figure out how to get pictures on here I'll post some of her, but as of now--I still have to get my film developed and then figure out how to do it lol.

Jeez...I don't know about guys anymore. Ugh, I'm so fed up with them! I always seem to fall for the guy who's already got a girlfriend, or they got their eyes on some other girl...I'm so sick of it, but I kinda can't control what my heart tells me to do, and who I fall for. I'm just so fed up with always being single, and liking a guy for a long time--knowing I'll get hurt in the end anyways. I just don't get myself and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm thinking about giving up on all kinds of relationships (except friendships), with guys until I can get my heart on track again, cuz all I do is fall hard for a guy and end up hurt in the end...with no relationship to have memories of, because I had to sit there and watch them (hear about them), lay their eyes on another girl, and talk about them all the time....and I never even get one fucking chance to become a part of their lives for a little bit. Maybe I'm over-reacting, but I wouldn't know what it feels like to be in a real relationship since the 3 boyfriends I've had didn't last long enough for anything to happen cept breaking up...I'm sooooooooo dumb. What the hell is wrong with me?? Am I the only one who feels like this on a regular-basis?? I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!

Alright, Warped Tour might be on again. Trivia's mom said I could stay at their house for the whole weekend if my parents changed their minds....so I asked them again last night and they didn't give me an answer yet. I just don't understand why I have to go to that thing...I'm gonna see them all again on Thanksgiving anyways....so it's just pointless to go when I see all of them more than enough times in a year, and I don't really wanna see my alcoholic uncle again. I wanna go to Warped Tour soooooooooooooo bad. I'll seriously cry if I can't go...bring on the tears and crabbiness!! :( lol. I really hope my parents let me go cuz I mean come on--Free tickets (well I don't have to pay for mine and neither does Triv cuz her mom's paying for them), a ride down there, and somewhere to stay....who the hell wouldn't let their kid go to it!!!??? It's not like I won't ever see my family again..I'd rather be at Warped Tour than go sit at my grandparents house and be bored. If my parents want me to be crabby that weekend--then bring it on!!!

I'm gonna go for now, but I'll post more tonight probably...

Oh yeah--can anyone tell me how to get pictures on here???? I'm totally clueless as to how to get them on...I just gotta know by the time I get my film developed which will probably be in like--2 weeks or next week before I go to my cabin on Tuesday night.

~*NIcoLE*~

LADIES: Turned ON or OFF when a guy:

dresses like a thug: on
dresses like a surfer bum: on
dresses like a prep: off
dresses in all black: off
doesn't care what he wears: on
sings: on...if he's good
plays a musical instrument: on
is skinnier than you: depends...I'm pretty fat compared to most guys
is bigger than you: on..but not too much!
is shorter than you: off
is taller than you: ON
has straight teeth: on
wears braces: off
has chapped lips: off
has green eyes: on
has blue eyes: on
has brown eyes: deep brown??? ON
has shaved Head: depends
drinks alcohol: on...sometimes
smokes cigarettes: TOTAL OFF
smokes pot: TOTAL OFF
wears glasses: depends on how good he looks in 'em
has brown hair: on
has black hair: on
has blonde hair: on
is tan: on
works out : on
smiles more than not: on
calls you just to say HI: on
lets you know he was thinking about you: on
compliments you: on
shaves his legs: OFF
has facial hair: depends..
has sideburns: on
wears jewelry: depends on what and where
has bigger feet than you: on
has smaller feet than you: off
wears cologne: ON
smiles when you walk into the room: on
calls you pet names: on
has blue hair: depends on how he dresses/acts/looks in it
wears makeup: depends..eyeliner's okay if he's punk/emo
plays sports: on
a bad boy: on
has nice arms: on
has a job: on
gives before he recieves: on
tongue pierced: ON
watches a lot of tv: maybe
4-wheels: on
Hunts: ON
Fishes: on
Snowmobiles: on
Opens the door for you: on
Has tattoos: on...sometimes
Other Piercings: what and where...
Kisses your neck and all over: ON
Caresses you: ON

Alright....there ya go!! lol sorry it was kinda stupid...

~*NICOLE*~

This is going to be really really really long. I've been at my cabin since July 8th. It's been really long not having the internet or people my age to hang out with whenever I wanted to, ya know? I'm friend and internet deprived lol. So here's what went on when I was gone......

July 8th: We went over to Steve and Nancy's cabin after we got up to my cabin, and my twin 2nd cousins (Troy and Lee), were there, and so was Troy's girlfriend, Britney. Troy and Lee are so awesome!! And so is Britney--that's the first time I met her though, but she's really cool. Troy and Lee don't look alike, but they're both pretty hott!....except Troy is way hotter--he has the hottest hair and has a very sexy facial structure! LOL I shouldn't be thinking that---they're my second cousins!!!! I'm a dork. Well, anyways, I was gonna talk about something else, but I got sidetracked, so here goes:: Nancy started talking about Kirstin and how she thinks she's a spoiled brat and everything, and she also said that Kirstin gets waited on hand-and-foot. I bit my tounge, because I know she wasn't like that when I was with her---I spent the whole time up there with Kirstin, and I didn't think she was a spoiled brat at all. She asked for things politely (used please, thank you, etc.), wasn't whiney or anything. Nancy said that both Mike and Jodi (Kirstin's grandparents), were in the cabin trying to brush her hair on Sunday night after she took a bath and that Kirstin was whining and crying the whole time--NO SHE WASN'T!!!!! I don't know where Nancy got that from because she and Mike were outside, Jodi was on the couch with Kirstin on her lap, I was right beside them on the couch....I think I would know. Yeah, so she whined a little when the comb snagged a know, but that's totally understandable! I just don't get where Nancy got the vibe that she was being a brat--Nancy was hardly around Kirstin at all--I WAS!!!!!! And I think I would know when a kid is a spoiled brat--HER NEPHEW is!! A bunch of people would agree with me on that one! Ugh it pissed me off so much!!!!

July 9th: We threw a surprise 25th Anniversary party for Randy and Josie. It was pretty fun--except for the fact that Nancy was trying to set Lee up with Michelle because they're both single. It makes me so mad though--she tried with Eric (Kirstin's dad, and Lee's cousin), on July 4th weekend too! I just wanted to bitch her out for forcing something on them--if it happens, it happens for a reason, but at least let it happen naturally---not being forced!!! But once again, I bit my tounge and didn't say anything about it. Randy and my dad were so drunk though! I've honestly never seen Randy that loopy--it was really funny though--I laughed my ass off!!!

July 10th: I didn't do too much that day until my parents went back home, and then it was just me and my little sister. At about 3:45pm Troy and Britney picked me up, and we (Nancy, Diane, John, Troy, Britney, and I...Lee and Steve went home that morning), went to a bar in town, while Erin babysat Hunter. It was pretty fun. When we got back, John made spaghetti--very yummy! Then John, Troy, Britney, and Hunter went fishing for like 20 minutes. When they got back, John splashed water on Hunter and Erin, and that turned onto a full water fight--they got buckets and soaked each other. Erin's bucket got into John's hands somehow, and I ran inside to get her a bucket--that was stupid because John got me all wet on my left side because I got her a bucket. I didn't do anything back, because I didn't want to get more wet. After that, Troy, Britney, and I went out on the boat because Troy wanted to go swimming. When he got back on the boat we just sat there and chilled for a while, and then went back in. Well, none of us was too ambitious, so we just sat there in the boat on the boat-lift for a long time. Britney and I needed to go pee, so we walked up the hill (a steep one), and when we came back down we brought the 4-wheeler. We sat on the boat in the lift for about an hour, and then we went back up. I went back to my cabin and changed because I was STILL wet. When I got back we went back down on the boat after we grabbed some drinks. We forgot the 4-wheeler--bad move lol. We talked and laughed until dark, and then went back up to the cabin. Nancy came out into the garage, and we all just talked until about midnight. AHHHH--Troy and Britney are going to WARPED TOUR!!! I want to go really bad--Troy had the lineup of bands, and I want to see at least 10 of them! That night, Troy and Britney stayed at my cabin, and Erin stayed at Nancy and Steve's cabin with Hunter. I know it doesn't seem like a lot of fun just talking, but we had a lot of laughs and it was so fun! On the last weekend of July they're coming up again---I think Lee is too! YAY!!!!!

July 11th: Troy and Britney left at like 10:30am. Diane, and Hunter also left that morning, but Steve, Jim, and Diane were coming back up on Tuesday night for Moondance Jam the next day. At about noon we (Nancy, Erin, John, and me), ate lunch and went to walker to window-shop. We really didn't buy anything but it was pretty fun. When we got back, Erin and I went swimming for about 2 hours.

July 12th: Me and Erin went swimming for around an hour. At about 4pm we went into town with Nancy and John to go to the 'Sweetheart Days' festivities. I bought a flip-flop necklace. The hott guy that I saw on the 4th of July was there too! And he had his shirt off the whole time---he has a great body!! He's got very tan skin, and extremly nice abs.....ooo and a nice car too lol. Then we went back to our cabins and basically did nothing---and my parents made it up there around 8pm.

July 13th: Me, Desarae (older sister), and Erin (younger sister), went swimming for about an hour. At 4pm we went into town to the flea markets. I bought a shirt that says:: BITCH : Babe In Total Control of Herself, a wristband that says HOPE, and a really pretty dolphin bracelet.

July 15th: I went to my grandparents (dad's side), cabin on a different lake. It was boring because there was a bunch of people I didn't know, and no kids my age--or any at all. I sat on the dock and watched the PRETTIEST SUNSET EVER!!!! I've never seen one that beautiful.....ever. Ugh, I wish I would've had my camera! It looked like a sunset on a picture that a photographer took or something....it was soo beautiful! I wish I would've had my camera--that picture would've gotten blown up, framed, and put on my wall in my room. Oh gosh, I was on the dock alone watching it (I was bored of the adults lol), and I imagined what it would've been like if I had a boyfriend and we were watching the sunset...it won't ever happen though, cuz I'm always only the friend, never the girlfriend.........

Yeah, I know I skipped a few days, but I didn't do much after Desarae left on Wednesday night back to Brainerd, and Erin left on Thursday to my other grandparent's house (mom's side). I basically did a whole lot of nothing...watched movies/tv, ate, slept, tanned on Friday and Saturday...I was so bored to death though--I was ready to come back home. Well, if you read this far I'm proud of you!!!! Wasn't it boring?! Mmmhhmmm I know it was. I missed mindsay, friends, and the internet sooooo much!!!!!!!!

Oh, and I don't get to go to Warped Tour :( !!!!! Gosh, my parent's are so unfair--they let Erin run around all summer with her friends, and when I get a once in a lifetime chance to do something that will make me truely happy for a while, they go ahead and ruin it!! I'm just a big ball of bad luck. Every time something good comes along, I can never go, I can never have fun. MOMMY AND DADDY BETTER BE READY FOR A BITCH ON SUNDAY!!! And by over"protecting" me--they're actually making me more fucked up. I wish for once I could just be happy for more than a few days at a time and then have them mess it all up again! Have fun without me at Warped Tour, Trivia....I know you wanted me to go, but my parent's are being assholes....I'm sorry!!

Well, I gotta go now....I need my sleepy!!!!!

<3 Always~
Nicole Lyn

UGH, I knew as soon as the words slipped onto the screen and I pressed the ENTER key, I wanted to take it all back and pretend I never heard it.....

I'm "So let's play doctor, Babe!!"

These are my words for you so listen carefully, stand still says: wow, you're a babe

So let's play doctor, Babe!! says: what?

These are my words for you so listen carefully, stand still says: sorry, i was just looking at your, you know, thingy pic, and that's the first thing that came to mind

I shouldn't have told Trivia that, because she's liked him since 4th grade, and the only reason I met him is through her....and I don't like him like that in the first place, I'd never do something like going out with him or liking him because I know how much it would hurt Trivia, and I know what I said was wrong, but after I typed "omg triv" there was no turning back...the ENTER button is my enemy. And now she's mad at me....I think. I have a stomache ache from hell...I feel like the most horrible friend now. I'm a worthless, stupid piece of shit! I know she thinks he likes me (and I just asked him and he does, but I'm not going to tell her that...ever), and she won't believe me that I won't ever like him!!! I'm going now....tonight is just another one of them nights. I guess the tears can just drown me in my sleep. If you don't hear from me in a couple days...you know what happened. I love you all!!!!

--nicole--

If you read the blog before this one, it said something about if I don't talk to any of you within the next few days that you all know what happened and that I love you all, well I was wrong about that. You all should know that I would never take my own life, or any one elses either for that matter. I'm sorry for saying that, and possibly scaring some of you. I got no replies, but that's okay. And I'm okay now....I'm not as bad as I was yesterday night, but I'm not the way I was either...I'm getting there.

So I talked to Trivia today, and she said that she isn't mad at me, just pissed off because what Taylor said to me was something she wanted to hear from him...not something that he told her best friend. She was sooo mad last night, and she also was kind of mean. She had mentioned that she wanted to kill herself (last night), and that she'd loved Taylor for so long, and hearing that he thought I was a "Babe" and possibly liking me (which I know he does, I'm just not telling her that....), made her emotions go wild. Trivia told me that he told her how good she looked in her picture, and then after I told her what he told me, that it killed all the hope she ever had of possibly getting back together with him (they went out for about 7 months a year and a half ago, and he had his cousin break up with her on msn instant messenger...she's never stopped loving him...). Well, she kind of bitched at me a little at first, and said "Every fucking guy I've ever liked always goes for a best friend of mine...one that's prettier!!" so I knew she was pretty pissed...but after we talked about it and reassured her that I won't ever like Taylor, and made her that promise, she believed me and now we're fine again. I can understand why she got soo pissed though....she's loved this kid since she was in like 4th grade....and then she found out that he thinks I'm pretty and everything, and it broke her heart. She still loves him, but isn't ready to give up yet. I'm just glad we're all better now....I don't know what I could do in this big world without Trivia Mae Phillips!!!!!

*NICOLE*

I don't see why I get so caught up in trying to be everything to someone, when I can't even trust most guys in the first place. I don't like anyone right now (well, I still kinda like Alan), but I want to have a boyfriend. I've been built up so many times, only to be let down....I wish I could press fast-forward to see if it's actually worth it sometimes, ya know? Even though sometimes I think guys are the stupidest things on this earth, I always break down and fall for them in the end. I just wish I could find one guy who's not like all the rest. So many of my friends are getting hurt by guys right now, and a lot of guys keep telling me I'm hott or a babe, or beautiful...what the hell do I do? I can't give in to someone I don't really like as more than a friend...it wouldn't be fair to them if I didn't like them like that....and I think that's why I didn't say anything to Taylor when he told me he liked me...I was scared, and I didn't want to hurt him. I'm a shy little girl who keeps everything to herself when it comes to guys...with a wall built up around my heart so high, but I know I always break down and the wall crumbles to the ground when I meet someone who I think is different, but then in the end I get broken and I'm left to build up that wall, re-do my life, and start all over again...only to get in the same situation. Sometimes I wish I could just dissappear and come back when there's someone who is different waiting for me...but I can't. I feel like I'll be single forever.....I'll never have the life I dreamed of, with a loving husband, and a few kids, and a great job. I'll never find someone......

Ugh, this summer has gone by waaaayyyy too fast! I don't like it...cuz I wish it would slow up a little so everyone could enjoy it more...and I wouldn't have to go back to school. I kind of want to go back, but just to see friends and scope out some new guys....if it has anything to do with learning then I don't want to lol. But maybe the school year will go by fast like it did most of the year last year...I sure hope so!

I can't wait until FLORIDA!!! It's a few weeks away yet, but I'm pumped as hell. We're (me and my sister are going with a few of my dad's cousins), leaving on August 9th, and coming back on August 16th. I can't wait!!!!!!!! A lot of sun...hott guys...shopping...fun...and a new experience all combined--sounds like an awesome time to me! Already I'm more tan than I was at the END of last summer...it's pretty rad.

 Okay, enough rambling on for one night! I'm gonna goooooo pee and then to bed lol. G'nite all!!!!

-Nicole Lyn-

AHHH this is some fucked up shit. GRRRR...even though I said I didn't like anyone...I was lying.

I went out with this guy named Alan....who I met through Trivia....last summer. It didn't last long though, but I still like him...then he went out with this girl named Jordyn for five months, and I was jealous as I could be--but I didn't show my feelings, at all. She didn't trust him, because some guy (that Alan didn't even know), told her that he was telling him things they did and everything.....he wasn't......but she broke up with him anyways. For a while he was bummed, and I think he still is a little because he's still not the same person I met. But now he likes Trivia.....and Taylor (the person Trivia has liked since forever), likes me....it's so fucked up. It's opposite of what was going on last year.....(well, 8th grade for Trivia), because Taylor and Trivia were going out, and me and Alan liked each other but weren't going out til the end of last summer. And we all thought  that Taylor still liked Trivia recently because of how he's acted towards her since...well a long time, but obviously Alan didn't still like me because he was going out with Jordyn (until 2 months ago). I don't like him as much as I used to, but there's still a place in my heart for him....a longing for him....a jealousy when he flirts with Trivia....and still a pang in my heart when I see his name pop up on my buddy list. Trivia wants Taylor to like her....and me--I just want Alan to like me again....we never really got a chance at things because when I met him we went to Iowa where Trivia used to livel, and that's where Trivia introduced me to Alan....and then I had to come back...we talked on msn, but with school starting it didn't really work since we were online at different times and it was way long distance to call....neither of us had a cell phone either, so I broke it off with him--it was too long of a distance to be keeping during school when neither of us could drive yet. Since then, I've regretted it, and often wondered what it would be like if I never did anything.....would he have broke up with me since Jordyn came along after? would we still be together? I don't know....but it hurt me so bad when he flirted with Trivia right in front of my fucking face, and also the fact that she doesn't like him like that...I do. Sure, there's been other guys I've liked, and I had one boyfriend.....but the whole time (now that I realize it), I always looked back on Alan....and that I still liked him, even if at the time (when I've liked other guys or was with a guy), it was only for a teensy bit.

I'm feeling a bit low tonight....and this sucks. Well, now here goes--Nicole, going back how it used to be--sad and depressing all the time. It got better, and I thought I could be happy for a while.....yeah, whatever--who was I fucking kidding?!?! I was only pretending it would be happy forever....I knew it would all go backwards again....and I'm wrong again.....

Goodnight all.......

<\3   Nicole Lyn

Alright, today I'm not feeling as mad or...sad? as I was yesterday. I was...well I guess you could say a mixture of...jealousy? and sadness? and loneliness? and I guess I was just pretty mad when I saw Alan flirting with my best friend right in front of my face. I just want to know if he likes me....if he does I'll go for it....if not then I'll just sit here and pretend I don't like him....okay? I think he does like Trivia....but oh well....it's not like I can change what he thinks....ever. Never will I get the guy I want at the time....it just won't happen....it's like I seem to push them away or give them a bad vibe...yet the guys that I don't like come straight to me and like--want me in bed or something lol. I hate how every guy I don't want likes me, and every guy I do want seems to not like me like that. It's really dumb...and I hate it....I despise whoever made it like that....I'll never get a husband if things keep going like this...

I found these thingys online...I can't remember where, but I liked them so I decided to post a few on here!

Every dad people ask me, "Are you two going out?" You don't realize how painful and hard it is to reply, "No, we're just friends..."

We spend our whole lives telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason, when in reality--it's just that we give reasons for everything that happens....

Let's slow dance and be the couple everyone wished they could be. Let's look at the stars and kiss all night long. Let's take it slow and then speed it up. Let's take stupid pictures and laugh until we can't breathe. Let's be forever you and me!!! <3

I'm NOT the kind of girl who isn't afraid to tell you how she feels. I'm NOT the kind of girl who runs up to you and gives you a hug. I AM the kind of girl who keeps all of her emotions inside, and is afraid of rejection...

I was so stupid to think that maybe for one second, you actually cared... <\3

...and I'm not ever going to be perfect, but that doesn't scare me...

Tell me I'm wrong when I say I can't expect you to spend forever with me...I live for that single moment!

The memories will crumble, just like the love letter tucked in the back pocket of your jeans that you'd hope to keep forever, but you forgot about it, did your wash, and never thought of him again...

It's hard to grow up in a world where you'll never be the pretty girl. Everyone else seems to have everything you've ever wanted, and your dreams always end up [...one cloud away...]

I thought maybe if I kept my distance, you would see what you were missing out on...I guess I was wrong again...

Remember when friends didn't lie to you, and the worst thing anyone EVER called you was a meanie. Remember when you were judged on how nice you were, and how you only wanted to hear I LOVE YOU from your mom? Well now...friends barely tell you the truth, and girls will call you tons of things that will make you want to break down and cry. Now we're judged on how expensive your clothes are, and you'd give up every single time your mom ever told you how much she loved you, just to hear him say it one more time...

It's sad to see that two close people don't even recognize each other anymore...not because they grew up, but because they grew apart...

You asked why I didn't listen to the song you told me to....and it's because it reminds me of you, and I just want to cry...

One day you're going to look back and say, "Damn, that girl really did love me..."

Would you say I'm crazy if I told you I can't stop thinking about you, or that the thought of you makes me smile, or that I get butterflies when I hear your name, or that all I want to do is be held tightly in your arms??

I have 24 hours::8 to dream about you, 8 to think about you, 8 to love you, and NONE to forget you....

You said you'd love me forever...I didn't know forever was that short!!!

Well there you go...something to read, and think about.

Last night was kind of alright for me. I had behind the wheel with Mr. Olson, and before I got there my stomach was rolling and I was sooo nervous, because I had never driven with anyone except my mom. Well, when he got out of the car and came over to talk to me and my parents, the feeling of nervousness went away....I had forgotten how he calls all the students in any of his classes kiddo (a teacher I had in 8th grade called all the students kiddo too, and it kind of brought a sense of comfortableness), and he's not like one of those strict people who sits there and yells at you all day...so it was okay. I got into the car, and we had to drive the student from the appointment before me home...he didn't live too far from there so I didn't have to drive with another student in the car...because that made me more nervous. Then we drove around for an hour, and it was back to the parking lot to meet my parents and go home. All in all, it was okay....and I did really well.

Now another thing about Alan...we haven't talked a ton lately, and I think it's because he doesn't know what to talk about...or what to say. I feel kind of the same way, yet when we're in a conversation where theres like--3-5 more people with us then we can talk like it's no big deal. I don't really understand how that works, but whatever. I still like him, but I think that since we didn't talk a whole lot when Jordyn and him were going out, that we kind of faded apart a little...but I don't know. Maybe it's just me that feels this feeling of "like" or maybe not...I don't know. I'm not really afraid of him or love itself...but I think it's what he'll say back to me if I tell him that I still like him after all this time...or in other words--rejection. I really want to get over him though...I really do, because if he doesn't like me then I don't want to be the one holding on forever again, and also getting my heart destroyed again...blown up into pieces.

Well, that sums up my day yesterday. I gotta go take a shower, and pack my stuff to go to my cabin tonight! We're picking up my little sister from my grandma's house tonight on the way up, so it'll be a later night than usual. Tomorrow I have to go to to my other grandparent's lakeshore at their cabin, because all my aunts and uncles are coming up there so we're going to have a little get together type thingy...which is the reason why I can't go to Warped Tour--because I have to go to that, and because we wouldn't be able to get on the road early enough to get back down here on Sunday morning. Whatever.

Have a good weekend everyone!!!

Love Always~
- -Nicole Lyn- -

   I had a really great weekend, but I still wish I could've gone to WARPED TOUR!!!

   Friday when we went to pick up my little sister at my grandma's house, I got to talk to my cousin Jordan for a long time--2 hours I think. I missed her sooo much, because we hadn't got to see each other since my birthday (December 18th), so that was pretty fun. We write letters, but it's not the same as actually seeing them in person and stuff. Well, the next time I'll see her is a few weekends before Deer Hunting and the whole week of Deer Hunting...Woo Hoo! I can't wait!!!!

   Saturday we went to my Grandparent's lakeshore. Most of my aunts and uncles went swimming with me and my little sister. First it was just me and two of my aunts (Margie and Tanya), and we were trying to stand on a tube...gosh that was fun--I was the only one who could get into the standing position. Then we went back to shore and Tanya got the water guns thingys and we got everyone who was dry wet. At that point, Greg, Dana, Gordy, Debbie, Tanya, Margie, and me went out. We took out the canoe and flipped it and stood on it upside down in the water out deep. Next, we put the canoe by the floating dock thingy and flipped it so it was empty...we all got in one-by-one to see how many people we could get into it before it sunk...it took 6-7 people. Gosh it was fun. After that, we took out an air mattress...and you'd think that would be easier than a tube to stand on with 6 people. LOL it's way hard. We were out there with the canoe and air mattress for about 3 hours. And then Margie, Tanya, Dana, Me, and Greg went on the floating dock thingy and played 'King of the Corner'. How you play is you all stand on one corner (as it tips), and whoever is the one left standing in the end is the King of the Corner. It was fun! Haha, most of my aunts and uncles are in their 30's or 40's, but it was fun. My dad's side of the family is crazy, but we all had a good time. By the time we went back to our cabin that night, my cheeks and jaw hurt so bad from laughing really hard, my legs and arms hurt too. It was so much fun though! I was truely  happy that day....for real!

   As I assumed, Alan doesn't like me. Again, I was right. I still like him and, hoping he'd like me, I got my hopes up once again only to fall apart. I don't know why I do this to my self at all.

   My family doesn't even know the real me...they only know the me who pretends to be happy, and puts on a fake smile every fucking day of my life. Oh well, if they believe that act then so be it--I'll keep on with it. A lot of people ask me why or tell me I'm so quiet...but they don't know that I am all the time (except when I'm with friends), because I can't say what I'm really thinking, and I can never get in much when my sisters are there anyways, so as the middle child I've learned to keep things in and shut up. And this Tuesday I'll get to be all to myself again with everything pent up inside me, because my older sister is coming home for a few days and it's like her and my little sister compete to get words in...so I'll just sit here with their words flying past me, and bunches of thoughts running through my head--and not say a word. Gosh, if I didn't have friends to talk to and hang out with, I honestly don't know what I would do....I'd probably not be here. So I thank all of you who read this and leave comments, Trivia, and Hayley----for being there and helping me hang on, cheering me up, and giving me something to live for.

   I'm excited for this coming weekend--Troy and Britney are going to be up at Nancy and Steve's cabin!! I get to hang out with them...woo hoo--true happiness here I come!!! Well, at least for a day or two.....

</3 Nicole Lyn

   Haha, on Friday night me and my sister were watching the Andy Milinokis Show...it's so weird. But kinda funny. Only because it's so retarded it's funny. haha. wow that was random.

   My leg itches....I wonder why. My head hurts, I got a killer stomach ache, and my elbows hurt too.

   Ahh I was so embarassed tonight!! I was talking to Lee right after I posted the first blog of tonight, and he said something about Trivia, and I replied back by saying that at least he has someone, because the person I like doesn't even like me back. He asked who, and all I told him was it was one of his friends....he guessed right away. Alan. I said yeah, I still like him but I know he doesn't like me back because Trivia asked him and he doesn't even know I like him anymore....(and I said a few more things). Then he goes well I'll go tell him. I panicked...holy shit was I scared. I was like no you don't have to tell him, it's okay.....and Lee says well I'm at his house and he's standing right behind me. I was totally speechless. Alan just saw everything I said before that...wow I was embarassed. I hated it. I feel kind of worthless. I don't know why I hurt myself trying to be in someone's life when I know it probably won't ever be possible....he doesn't like me and that's that. I should be used to liking guys and them not liking me back by now--it seems like a usual thing in my life now.

   I'm sorry. I get going and it seems like I can't stop mumbling on.

</3 Nicole Lyn

   Yesterday was bad...I felt like a total loser after what happened with Lee and Alan. Oh well....I just feel kind of stupid...I mean--I should've figured that either one or the other was at one of their houses because just one of them was online...and that was kind of odd. Tonight, neither of them are on...I wanted to talk to Alan, and maybe clear things up a little, or at least talk to him about it and see what he thinks. I don't want to seem like just another girl with a little crush, because I'm not just another girl...and it's not just a crush--it's so much more. I've liked him through all this time--while he was going out with Jordyn, and while I had a boyfriend and other crushes. My thoughts always seemed to go back to him, and what he would think if he knew about me going out with that other guy....would he be jealous? or just blow it off like it was nothing? I don't really know what to think about it...but I think after I get to talk to him it'll all be okay...I'm sure a little awkward in the beginning, but  I'm sure after I get to talk to him a little bit it'll be fine. I really miss him so much...I wish I'd never broken up with him last summer in the first place...we might be together still today if it weren't for me being so stupid!! I really miss him, but at the same time I want to get over him....it's confusing--I know!

   I don't have to work tomorrow--yay!!

   Last night I came along a guy's blog...he talked about things I never thought I'd ever hear come out of a guys mind. He proved to me that all guys aren't the same--I guess I just needed one guy to prove to me that they all weren't the same. Even though him and his girlfriend weren't together as of that time, it still showed he couldn't live without her and a bunch of other emotions I never thought I'd see on my computer screen...ever. It was amazing. Thank you for proving to me that there is someone out there who isn't like all the rest!!!!

   I don't know what else to write...I keep thinking about how stupid I am for doing that last summer, and that I need to talk to Alan....it all just keeps swarming in my head!! So I'm just going to go to bed and end these thoughts hopefully!!

</3 Nicole Lyn

   AHHHHH!!! I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss of words...this is all so confusing for me.

   I should be used to this feeling of not being liked back by the person I'm practically in love with by now...but I guess once again I'm not. I can't seem to let go of Alan, and it feels like I'm losing him right in front of my face. I'm scared of not being able to let go...but it feels like I won't ever be able to at the moment. My heart feels like it's nailed to him and that I won't ever get it back. I'm stupid for thinking this way...and I should be used to it by now...but what the hell can I do?! I've liked him since last year...stuck it out through everything...and now I'm sitting here with my heart missing, my head spinning in circles, and I feel like I'm being isolated from all the good things in the world. I don't know...maybe I'm dumb for even feeling like this....am I the only one who does?! At the moment it sure seems like it. AHH I don't want to feel like this anymore...can't I just give up what I feel and start all over again at the beginning where I thought everything was okay?? I sure wish I could. He's always been there for me through every single thing...but at the moment it seems like he's falling further away from me...

   I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass and for laying this all out...always mentioning something about Alan in my blogs...I'm just a dumbass who's in love with the wrong guy I guess.

   I wish he could feel what I'm feeling right now...he'd be in the same place as me, feeling the same longing feeling, and jealousy when I mention another guy....it will never happen.

I'm not that special.

- -Nicole Lyn- -

   I talked to Alan today...when I was with Trivia since she has free long distance, but I went in a different room to do it, because I didn't know what to say or what would happen...wow there's a lot of things going through my head. I told him that I like him, and I have since last summer, even through when he was going out with Jordyn...and then I said the ball was in his court--it was his decision as to what we do. Well he said that he doesn't really want to do something like that because of the distance, and we wouldn't get to see each other all that often, and he sees me as a friend. I didn't say something for just a little bit, so it was kind of an awkward silence, and he appologized and said that he didn't want to hurt me because he knows what it feels like, but he couldn't go into something with feelings of "just friends". I told him it was okay I guess, sooner or later I'd get over him even though it would be hard for me. Then he appologized again, and I said I had to go...I didn't want to start crying...so I told him a little lie, which it isn't good to lie but hey what was I supposed to do--cry on the phone and then have him go out with me just because of pity?! I don't think so!! So now I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes as I'm typing this because I'm sad and I don't know what to do with myself. Oh well. I know I'm always going to be just his friend, and it'll never change. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it did...it hurt really bad. I cried for a little bit, but not long because Trivia was in the other room, and I didn't want to take too long---suspitions, ya know? Now the tears can come for real...I'm all alone in this dark room, with no one here to ask questions...I'm sick of this feeling, I want to let go of him, but I can't seem to let it all go...I still hold on even when it hurts the most. I'm sick of this! My thoughts that he didn't like me came true....I had a feeling he didn't like me, and now that I know the truth it hurts me more than ever. I feel so stupid for doing it now, but I don't regret it....he doesn't like me and that's that. I'll eventually get over him--no matter how long it takes I will....I hope....and even if I do--he'll always have a place in my heart!!! Ugh this fuckin sucks though!!!! :( I don't know what to do anymore...all the guys I start to like as more than a friend end up never liking me, and then I get hurt (although I hide it from them), and it really sucks. It's how the past few guys I've liked have gone....so I guess I should be used to the heartbreak now and my heart should be hard as a rock, but the thing is--it's as soft as can be, and I'm not used to the heartbreak, I'm total opposite of what I should be. This fuckin sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Ugh then my older sister came home for a few days since her summer semester for college is done with. I couldn't even stand her the hour and a half of time I spent with her in the first out of four days she's been home. I don't know what I'm going to do when she's going to take my little sister and I to Coon Rapids to get some jeans and shirts tommorrow. She's talked like--constantly since she got home!!! Already my fight for words is gone...I'll just have to hide out in my room or be on the internet the whole time she's here. Gosh she just annoys the hell out of me!! She's just like my grandma on my mom's side---talks a lot, assumes things, inturrupts, and mis-interprets everything! AHHHH! I have to share my room with her for the days she's here too! She's been gone since June 1st, been home three times...and I absolutly hate it when she comes home now!! As a middle child I've learned to shut up and just not fight to get in words--I can't ever get a word in when my older sister is home, so that's why I seem to hold everything in, and not say anything about how I feel...that's why I'm shy too--I never got a chance to be outgoing because my sisters got all the attention, and I just had to sit back and watch...while I bottle everything up and then explode sometimes!! Gosh--she's driving me nuts!! I don't know how much more of this I can take, or how long I can handle it!!!

   Well, there's my day for you....let's hope tomorrow is a better one....I feel like total shit--and believe me, you don't want to feel like me right now....

</3 ...Nicole Lyn...

   My cousin Megan (6 year old cancer-survivor), was in a parade on July 4th for the Make A Wish Foundation. She had an article done on her and this other guy who lives in Nisswa that had cancer and survived it...and while I was reading it, it brought back many memories of when her mother (Terry), was alive. I thought about many things, and it made me get tears in my eyes. I was heartbroken from all the memories, yet at the same time happy for the fact that Megan had survived the cancer, and was beginning to get back to her old self again....even though she's aged a lot personality-wise....she doesn't even act 6, or any age around there...she acts like--20.

   Anyways--for what I was writing this for:: in the article, there was a part where someone had asked her if she had to give advice to anyone battling cancer, what would she say? She replied by saying, "Well, I would say not to be scared."

   I thought about that a moment, and then I realized at the age she's at, it's not hard to be not scared...but at my age--if I were to get cancer, there wouldn't be a dry eye in my house, and there wouldn't be such a thing as not scared. At this point, I know more about cancer than a person my age should know about....I've had to deal with it in my family a lot, so I know when I hear cancer, the first thing I think of is death.

   With Megan being the first person I know who has survived cancer, there is a hope that you can survive it....it just doesn't come to everyone. She had a positive attitude the whole time, and never gave up hope. She didn't know that she could die from it, and still thought that Terry was going  to come back because she thought that when people said her mommy went to heaven, that it was a town that she was visiting....now I think she knows that Heaven isn't a place where you go and come back. Everyone prayed hard for her, and I guess God thought she was worthy enough to stay here with us all...If she would've gotten taken away from us, I don't know what I would've done. I don't know how much hope and faith I would have right now....it would be close to gone.

   Thank you Megan, for showing me something I never knew before!!!

   I know this way off subject from what I was just talking about, but why do people have to be so fake?! Can't they just be themselves, and not have to put on a show for everyone? It's amazing how much people have changed from even a few years ago to now. It's like they have new icky brains or something. Guys and girls have changed in the ways they look at each other--it seems like a lot of them only look at what they look like and how fast they can get them into bed...it's so pathetic, because you see more people hurt from the opposite sex more than anything else.

   Guys if you're reading this---there are girls out here who are different than the rest!!! ...like me. I'm a girl who's easy to love, easy to please (we could just hang out at your house watching movies or something and I'd be happy), low maintinence, loving, nice, total sweetheart, trustworthy, I treat boyfriends like they're my everything.....and all guys do is take me and break me. It's pretty bad when you can't even like someone in your own town because it seems like all they want is the girls who are so high-strung and fake...so you can't even start to like someone, because they're just the same as the first one. It really sucks major ass. I'm sick of fake people...why can't things go back to the way they were?!

   Anyways....I'm done with my rambling on...enough of that. If I continue on, it might turn into a longer blog than I wanted...it already has lol.

-Nicole Lyn-

   After a few days, the memories of last summer will be in the past, and I'll be over Alan. After this time--it's the last time I tell a guy how I feel about him when we're friends already unless he asks or we're already going out. I'm sick of being rejected and hurt, and maybe sometimes when a girl tells a guy (when they're friends), her feelings for him--it scares them away. It sure seems that way when I do it--for the past 3-4 guys I've told that I like them it always gets turned against me...I hope it's not the same with every guy. Every time though, I regret it in the end. So now, I'm just not going to, because it makes the friendship seem akward. So--I'm done with doing that. I'm sorry if any of you guys like that (when a girl makes the first move or whatever), but all I've done is get hurt--therefore, until I find someone who I can actually tell how I feel from the start, I'm not doing it anymore. I can't take the pain and rejection anymore!!!!! It hurts way too bad...and now that I think about it, and a few people have told me this--if he doesn't realize how great of a person I am, then I deserve better than him!!

   Thanks everyone for all your advice though! I appreciate your help, and even though it didn't work--you goy me to do something this shy little girl normally wouldn't do, and wouldn't have done without a little push.

  Well there's my rambling on for the day!! Sorry, I type a lot...I don't think there's been a short blog since I was completly happy a long time ago lol.

-Nicole Lyn-

   Haha, I forgot something from my blog that I had tags for lol!

   My cousin's Troy, and his girlfriend Britney, and Lee (Troy's twin), are coming up to the cabin this weekend! I'm so excited!! They're fun to hang out with...woo hoo...fun for me!! The last time Troy and Britney were up (a few weekends ago), I had soo much fun!! We just hung out and talked and laughed a ton! It was great. I don't know for sure if Lee's coming up, but I know Troy and Britney are! YAY!!!

   This is a total opposite of my other entry! lol

Haha, I am really hyper right now....don't ask why--I don't even know...maybe it's the dougnut I ate for breakfast a few hours ago...I don't know. Or maybe the dill pickle chips I'm eating right now--those are the best chips!! There really is no point to this blog, I am just bored....hm....

I got peas on my head, don't call me a pea-head.
Bees on my head, don't call me a bee-head.
Bruce Lee's on my head, don't call me a Lee-head.

Lol, that's stupid. I kind of like the Andy Milinokis show...it's so stupid. It's fun to laugh at his retarded-ness. Grrrreat. Now I'm stuck on another one of them stupid shows lol.

Last night I watched the show called Brat Camp. It's actually a pretty good show. The counselor people push them to the edge, and then they finally open up. It's amazing how good people have it sometimes and they don't realize it....I mean I've never had the best in everything, but just seeing how much their parents love them, and they couldn't help the kids themselves so they made them go to this camp to open up and talk about things and stuff is awesome. Those kids have it sooo good, and then they're a brat and don't like any of it--they take it too much for granted! It's retarded. I want to say more about it, but since I'm kinda hyper I can't concentrate on what I'm doing lol.

Wow, I use the word retarded a lot.

Have a good day everyone!!! :)

-Nicole Lyn-

    So as I'm sitting here with a bowl of grapes and a bottle of water, I'm reflecting back on my day. It was an alright day...and I think I'm past more than I was yesterday. I sure feel better now than I did before.

    I worked today, and then when I came home I had to quickly eat (it wasn't much...I wasn't very hungry and I didn't seem to have much time either), because I had to go to behind the wheel. It was good today. I think I did really well...we did paralell parking...wow for my first time I did a good job!! Then Desarae (my older sister), came to pick me up.

   We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, where we hung out with a few of her friends. It was my first time meeting them...it was a little weird, but it was better than sitting at home doing nothing! I was hoping Desarae's friend Joey would show up so I'd have someone to talk to that I knew. I met him at a hockey game last year when I was with Desarae, and he was really nice. He told Desarae that he wanted to ask me out, but she wouldn't let him...which wasn't nice lol. He didn't show up, which sucked...but oh well. Oh gosh, at one point--her friends were talking about Harry Potter...and not being a fan of Harry Potter, felt a little out of place. Her friends are a whole different type of people compared to mine. To them, I would be considered popular...that's how different they are. They're kinda cool though--we laughed a lot. At about 9:30-ish we went home, and now I'm here.

   I think I'm most of the way over Alan now. I've had time to think about it...a lot of time. And I think that maybe I made the wrong decision of ever liking him again that much in the first place...oh well though. I'm done with that. My wall around my heart that had crumbled down for him is going back up again.

   Today when I got home from my work, my dad told me about this guy at his work (summer help), who's 17, and that they were talking about me and stuff today. I wondered how I got into their conversation, so I asked, and he told me that guy had asked if my dad had any kids, and he talked about me a lot. It was kind of shocking. And then I asked how old he was and where he lives....he's 17--going to be a senior, and lives in Monticello. But he has a girlfriend. I think my dad wanted to set me up with him or something, because he said something about this guy liking a lot of the same things I like to do. It was soooooooooo shocking to hear any of that come out of my dad's mouth---usually he's like-steering me away from the guy subject and always changing the subject when I bring them up. I want to meet this kid....but I'm not falling for him...he has a girlfriend...and works with my dad...any of those guys at my dad's work would kick his ass if he ever did anything to me! He seems pretty nice though, from what my dad said about him. But I'm done not really into finding a boyfriend at the moment...so it's okay.

   Well, I'm going to go for now...but I just thought I'd tell ya a little about my day.

-Nicole Lyn-

   Wow, I had a blast this weekend...other than my nose, cheeks, forehead (basically whole face lol), chest, stomach, and legs being a lil sunburnt now--it was great!!

   Well, Friday night when we got up to my cabin, we went to the neighbors' cabins, and I stayed at Steve and Nancy's when Lee, Troy, and Britney got there. I hung out with them for a while, and then went back to my cabin when it was like--midnight.

   Saturday....oh wow, where to start....well we all went over to Steve and Nancy's cabin, and planned on what we were going to do. After lunch, we all went out on the lake. We brought tubes to go tubing, Troy and Lee's wakeboard, and waterskiis. Diane and Jim, and Steve and Nancy took their boats out, anchored them down after they tied them together, and then Randy took his pontoon out (we went out on that because our boat wasn't in the water), and tied that to the boats. We called it the "Larson Lake Redkneck Yaht Club" haha it was great fun! Everyone on the lake except for 3 houses were out there! Well, we just partied out there for a long time...and it was awesome. Then Troy and Lee went wakeboarding....I've never seen someone go wakeboarding, so it was awesome. Troy could do a backflip and tons of other tricks...wow it was impressive. We were out on the lake just partying for almost 6 hours, with strong rays of sun beating on us....so of course I got burnt a little. I don't wear sunscreen because I don't like the way it makes my skin feel...but yeah. Oh wow, we had sooo much fun!!! But then I had to go in because I had to babysit at 6...so it messed up my fun, because I missed the fish-fry and hanging out with some people I haven't seem for a while. But hey--I made $20...woo hoo--more towards my spending money for Florida. Anyways, when I got back from town at 2am...everyone was in bed. So yeah that was the end of my night. Holy shit though--it was fun. It doesn't sound like much fun---2 boats, 2 pontoons, a jet-ski, waterski's, wakeboard, tubes, and a bunch of people....haha actually that does sound fun! It was great...there was a lot of gross-talk, laughs, smiles, burning, tubing, and everything else going on....woo hoo!

   Troy and Britney might come up next weekend, but they aren't sure. I'll get to see them and Lee on the last weekend in August though, because that weekend a lot of people go to a resort, and they always go--this year I'm going with them...hopefully Lee can pick me up on Friday on his way up since he passes by my house. But yeah....wow I'm busy the next month!

   Alrighty guys...I know I said I was all the way over Alan. That was a lie. I am mostly over him....but I can't seem to get all the way over him...it's like a piece of me still wants to hold on, even though my heart knows it's only getting hurt by holding on. I don't know what I'm hoping for, but I can't seem to let go all the way yet. It's dumb--I know...but it's true....so very true. I went out with him for a week, and broke up with him..I regretted it...but I still held on through his relationship with another girl, and having to hear about her hurt me, but I didn't show that I was hurt or jealous of her to him...and then when she broke up with him I thought maybe I could have a second chance....uh--not. And once again, I felt hurt. I cried over another guy. I've done it a million times, and I should be immune to that type of thing by now...but I'm not!! It's retarded of me. I shouldn't have held on this long anyways. I'm stupid. There's always going to be a place in my heart for him, but I don't know if he'll ever have my whole heart....I hope I find someone else.....unless we eventually end up together forever. I know that's a stupid thought too, because I'm just dumb like that. Maybe one day when I get over him, he'll want me like I wanted him....except I won't be there to fall for him again. I'm working on getting over him all the way so I can start the school year fresh and without anything to regret. Wow, it's hard to let go of that little bit though...so very hard. I'll be done with him soon I hope. My heart still clings...but I'm going to let go. I miss last summer....I want to take it all back....

   I can't wait til August 9th....I leave for Florida!!! I'm so excited....but I'm kind of scared to ride on the plane since I've never been on one. Oh well, I'll be just fine. I can't wait for the hot weather (getting a nice tan), gorgeous guys with dreamy eyes, and since it's my first time--I'll have the time of my life. I'm taking lots of pictures when we're down there...wow I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

   Hm...I don't know what else to write...well, I'll blog later if I remember what else I was going to put in here lol.

Sweet dreams everyone~
Nicole Lyn

   I watched the new Real World (one of my favorite shows of all time!!), and I knew bad news was coming for Danny because I saw the commercials a ton of times today for this episode...but I just didn't know what. I assumed it had something to do with his mom dying or his dad having something bad happen to him. Danny got a call from his dad (on Valentine's day), that his mom had died that day....and he blamed it on himself. Gosh, it was so sad. He didn't have a good past with his mom, and was just starting to get everything straight with her and get along with her...and then she finds out she died. Him and Melinda had plans to go out that night and stuff...and then when he got home Lacey and Johanna said that his dad called with something important, so he knew it was bad....but then his whole night turned upside down, and he left the next morning...and now on the next episode Mel gets an e-mail from Danny that he might not be coming back at all. It was a sad episode, and got me thinking about a bunch of things.

   I've been in that position before...actually many times (at least 15 people that I've been close to have died in the past 5 years) . In the past few years, I've had to deal with cancer (quite a few types), in my family members, heart problems, suicide, and just plain old death. I've had to stand back twice and watch a loved one die because of cancer taking over their body, hear about a friend commit suicide, another friend get killed in a car accident, and have a cousin be so near to death. And I've even blamed myself...when someone close to me dies I always wonder what I could've done, if maybe I would've gone to visit them more often or talked to them more often--would they still be alive?? if I did something different, would they still be here?? I know it's stupid to blame myself for something I have no control over, but I still do...it's dumb though.

   I seriously wouldn't be able to live without my mom though. If my mom were to die anytime soon, I don't know what I would do. As a teenager, even though I don't get along with her that well, I need my mom. I know what it's like to have someone die unexpectedly, and it sucks...I've cried for days on end (when my aunt died), and I don't know if there would be enough tears to cry if my mother died. That's why I'm a little scared for August 23rd.  My mom is having kneck surgery....she's having 2 disks fused together, 2 replaced, and there's a spur on one of them that's pushing on her spinal cord. I know she'll probably be fine, but I still worry.

   When my cousin Madison was a month old (in September 2000), she wasn't eating anymore and she looked sick...so my aunt and uncle took her to the doctor. Her heart was beating at 6 pumps per minute...not a good sign at all. She was diagnosed with cardiomyapathy--heart failure...it's where the heart keeps getting bigger, and about the time when she got the heart--her own was the size of an adults. Well, it was very hard for me to just sit back, and hear about her dying....I couldn't go see her because she was so sick, and just a simple cold could kill her. The night before she got the heart, her parents were planning her funeral and the next day they were going to pull the plug...let her die. The next morning at 5 am...they got a call. There was a little baby that had just died, and her blood and size matched Madison's. It was great news to everyone!! That was the day that her life would end, and she got a new heart. I prayed hard that she wouldn't die in surgery...and she didn't. She's still here to this day. She lost her hearing when on the medicine's in the hospital, so now she has a cochlear implant, which helps her hear. As a matter of fact, she'll be turning 6 in ten days and counting. She's a true miracle child.

   I've talked about my aunt Terry and how she died from cancer, and cousin Megan and her battle with cancer, so I won't go into any of that. That episode just got me thinking again, and rambling on once again. I don't believe in forever, and I'm scared of dying. I often wonder when it'll be my time to go...when I'll be the next one in line to go. I don't think it's the fact that I'm scared of death...just how I'll die.

   Anyways....I'm done rambling on. I don't know why things like that get me thinking, but they do.

~*Nicole Lyn*~

   I found this when I was looking at my Myspace bulletin's while passing through, and realized that I am this girl...almost exactly. And there are a few other things after the thing about that girl that I thought were cool too!

I am a girl that will love you for who you are not what you are, who will want to do the things you want to and enjoy it, who would fix you your favorite meal just to see you smile, who would hold you to keep you close. I am a girl who would tickle you just to hear you laugh, that likes to shop for you when i go shopping, who doesn't care how much money you have or what kind of car you drive. I am a girl that thinks you are hot even when you are hot and sweaty, that does not want gifts just the love and respect in return, that would call you in the morning just to say have a great day, that would bring you lunch when you are too busy to get your own. I am a girl that doesn't care what other people think about you. I am a girl that will always trust you until that trust is violated. I am a girl who wants to be loved the same in return...

You have this way of meaning everything and nothing to me at the same time. . .

Men. Here's a lesson in love:: If you love her--tell her. When she's crying--don't give her a talk, give her a shoulder. When she's upset--Don't yell, hold her. When she starts to scream--tell her she's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. And when she walks out and it's over--tell her that you'll never stop waiting for her.

Love is like a mountain:: hard to climb, but once you get to the top--the view is beautiful!

No matter how hard I try--I'm always the friend...never the girl!

Best friends see the hurt in your eyes, when everyone else is fooled by your smile...

I'd rather be loved as your best friend, than hated as your ex-girlfriend. . .

Alright, I'm done now...I just thought I'd post a few things before leaving for bed..and I was bored too! G'nite, and sweet dreams everyone!!!

- -Nicole Lyn- -

7 DAYS TIL I GO TO FLORIDA! WOO HOO!!!

   At the time when I got this blog, I had been so close to giving up...so close to being done with my life. I know it's selfish to even think of committing suicide, but there were so many bad things going wrong (death, family problems, etc.), and I had gotten to the point where it seemed the right thing to do at the time--the only thing to do. As I look back now, I was so stupid for even thinking like that. I know sometimes I still feel like I want to die or just run away from things for a while, but the thing is--I'm too chicken to actually go through with suicide or running away even. There are too many people who already look up to me...I couldn't leave all of them behind left wondering why and left with a lot of pain. I have too many dreams left to achieve yet, too many cousins and my little sister who look up to me, friends that look towards me in times of need and when they need advice...and my whole life ahead of me--I can't just give in to the pain that sometimes still haunts me daily. With me being that low at one point, it's really pushed me to try helping others in their times of need, and with me having been there--it helps in giving advice and possibly helping them feel better (I've helped two people change their decisions about committing suicide). In my junior year of highschool, I plan on joining the school's Yellow Ribbon Program (suicide awareness type thingy). I want to help people with their problems--know I'm making a difference.

   Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find 'The One.' Maybe I've already met him somewhere random, maybe he's one of my few guy friends, or maybe I've already dated him and he's passed me by and I've never realized it. It's scary to think I'll never get married, because that's one of the things in life that I want sooooo badly. I want to have the most caring, sweet, honest, awesome, and funny husband...with a beautiful wedding, and a few kids after a while. I don't want to have to get divorced at all, or have tons of boyfriends before I find that special guy....but most of all--I don't want to die alone. I know I'm really young and still have the rest of my life ahead of me, but maybe I'm asking too much at this age alredy. A girl like me isn't really asking for too much though--a guy who can make me laugh, make me feel special, knows when to be funny or serious, and someone who doesn't lie. He can't abandon his friends just because of me--we both have to have a lot of time for each other and friends!! I'm a girl who's honest, caring, loyal, and extremly loveable. I would rather stay at home, watch movies or cuddle while kissing or talking, than going and doing something all the time that costs money, and I'd pay some of the time too. Also, in the entry before this, I'm almost exactly the girl described in the thing I found. I would go to the end of the world and back to find someone who could love me as much as I would love them. At this day in time though--it's hard to find someone even close to that. For only being 15, I'd like to think that I have my career picked out (RN on oncology floor of a children's hospital, or in the NICU part of a regular hospital), and my head on pretty straight. I guess it's hard to find a girl like this though....I'm pretty low-maintenence. Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe I do ask too much. I can't tell if I'm asking for too much from a guy, I don't think I am--but then again I've never really asked...could you please tell me??

Guys:: answer these three questions please... ::

1.) Am I asking for too much in a relationship??

2.) Would you say I'm crazy if I told you I can't stop thinking about you, or that the thought of you makes me smile, or that I get butterflies when I hear your voice or name...or that all I want to do is be held tightly in your arms??

3.) Would you belive me if I said I wasn't just here to spend your money and waste your time, or that I'd love you for who you are??

Wow that was long....if you're a guy--can you please answer those questions quick?? I want to know if I'm only imagining that I'm low-maintenence or what...I'm confusing myself lol.

- -Nicole Lyn- -

   Today, I started laughing for absolutly no reason. My sister asked why I was laughing, and I couldn't even talk because I was laughing that hard. It confuses me though--I started laughing, I don't know what at, and I couldn't stop for like 5-10 minutes...it was really weird. hehe. Laughing is good though...I just don't know why I was laughing though lol.

   Gosh my school district is soooo stupid!! We start school on September 1st (the Thursday before Labor Day), and a lot of people take that Friday off and go to cabins and everything...I think that's what my family is going to do this year--so there's a lot of students gone that day anyways, and it's just stupid. We get 27 vacation days during the year, and we could take out 8 of them, and then get out before Memorial Day...instead of going to school until June 6th. Gosh, they are completely stupid....I want to just bitch at whoever is in charge of our school district...they shouldn't start school two days before Labor Day weekend, give us eight days we don't need, and have us go to school until June 6th. It's dumb, and wastes our summers!!! GRRRRR!

   Alright, I don't know what else to say....I was going to talk about more, but I can't remember. So there ya go---a short blog for once!! LOL.

- -Nicole Lyn- -

4 days until Florida (not counting today)!!!! I'm sooo excited!!!

   It amazes me how many girls push away the sweet, good guys that would basically do anything for them...only to hurt them amd make them think that we're all the same. Then they go for the badass who couldn't give a shit about her, only wants her for sex or for a reputation, and to keep his ego up--and she still stays with him no matter what--and will fight to get him back into her life when he leaves. Maybe it's because some girls don't know how to react to someone who's actually nice and really cares, because they've been pushed away and hurt by other guys so many times before. All girls aren't the same though...because I'm not one of those girls who pushes away the nice guys for the bad ones who will hurt me...I'm the exact opposite--I go for the nice , caring, sweet boys, and once I find out the bad guy is worthless--I push him away. I can't go through the pain and deal with all the shit the bad ones would put me through--I've seen it happen with some of my friends, and my own family...I wouldn't be able to handle it all. I've always gone for the guys who are the greatest...except most (other than the 3 guys I've gone out with), either have a girlfriend already, don't view me as anything more than a friend, or turn out to be the prick I never wanted once I get to know him better. I can't believe how much this world has changed...how much the people have even changed in the past 5 years or so...it amazes me. I was brought up in a good family, been taught good morals, made goals for myself, and even been through a lot of stuff that most people haven't been through....some of my friends haven't even been to a funeral of a loved one--I've been to at least 15 funerals in the past 5 years....I've been there done that. I'm just not like a lot of other girls nowadays though....I'm not even close.

   I think with the nice guys it's kind of the same. If they get hurt by a girl then they think we're all the same. Well we're not...and I've come to realize that all guys aren't the same either...it just took me a while.

   And I still like Alan...I just can't seem to let him go. And now my friend Mary got a hold of his email address, and she likes him now too...she knows I still like him!! We were all in the same conversation tonight...well like 5 minutes ago...and he kept flirting with her...gosh it pisses me off! I'm in tears....I hate this. I don't know what to do anymore....I said I was over him but I'm not...she told me she didn't like him and lied to me cuz she admitted it later...and he flirted with her in front of my fucking face! Gosh what a night!

Good night everyone...hope your night was better than mine!!

- -Nicole Lyn- -

4 days til vacation to Florida!!! ((Then I can get away from all this...maybe I won't cry myself to sleep anymore......))

Okay if you read the end of the blog before this you know what's going on. I'm totally in tears...my eyes are flooded and my cheeks are wet. I think after my trip to Florida I'll be better...I hope. I can't wait until I don't cry over hiim....until a life like this will be in the past...I won't still cling onto him...I hope.

Good night everyone....

I'm sorry for being such a complainer and everything....I'm a stupid little girl living in this fake and fucked up world....

- -nicole lyn- -

   On Friday I saw the most awesome car I've seen in a really long time...holy shit. A brand new yellow Corvette sitting at my neighbor's house at home. It didn't even have the license plate on it yet--gosh I was just in awe...I looked out the window the whole time it was sitting there...wow. And then later we left to go to our cabin. Nick (hottest 19 year old I know), and Randy (Nick's uncle), came over for a while...gosh I had fun. Nick is soo cool...I wish he was a few years younger, because I know he'd probably never go for me.

   On Saturday night, my uncle and aunt came up to our cabin and we went over to the neighbor's cabin down the road. Nick was there, and we played SOYN or in other words 7up-7down...for money, and just chilled and everything....I had a blast. And then we came home and my uncle and aunt decided to stay overnight. So they (my parents, and uncle--not aunt because she hasn't known our family for very long so she doesn't know), were talking and they were saying all this good stuff about my older sister Desarae, and did they say anything about my little sister Erin or me?!?!....hm....let me think about that....NOPE!!!!!! Not a word. I went up stairs because I got sick of all the praise (she wasn't even there), towards her...I was mad---she's all they talked about for a few hours!! Later, when they thought I was asleep upstairs they started talking about me. God dammit!! I got pissed but sat by the door of my room listening to them talking downstairs about me and my little sister...hardly nothing about my little sister. Gosh, some of the shit I heard...I'm not repeating any of it...but it made me get tears in my eyes. I sat there and wiped my eyes clear of tears...I was really mad, and I guess with everything that has been going on, and all the stuff I've bottled inside..it really got to me. I've heard things and have been treated differently (I'm the middle child and a lot of people notice it!!), but that night--oh my God...I just wanted to scream!! I hated it. And then I heard my uncle say that out of all his neices and nephews, Desarae is the most specialist and his most favorite...I almost busted and screamed. I cried later...I was sooo pissed, sad, angry, and ready to give up. I just didn't know what to do. I haven't cried that much in the past year other than the night my cousin Megan was diagnosed with cancer...but before that it's been many times. For the past year or two I haven't really been happy a lot.....when I am it's when I'm with friends, cousins, or my little sister. In the last year, it seems like the only times I was happy were when I was with my cousins on my mom's side (because they're all 10 and older...not 5 and under lol), the week I was with Alan, and other than that mostly with Trivia because she can make me laugh and she always does stuff that would embarass other people but it's funny as hell to me. I wish I had that one chance left with Alan...but I know I don't. So why can't I seem to get over him?!?! I want to be able to be happy for real again...I miss that feeling soo much!!!

   And here's some things I found...more stuff I found that I can relate to and that I like!!

Never say, "I wish I were dead," because if it came true, it would make someone else say the same thing.

I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance, a church filled with wild flowers, friends, and family. I asked him what kind of wedding he wished for, and he said, "One that would make you my wife." ((Oh, how I wish that would happen to me someday...))

Love is like a rose in the winter--only the strong suvive!

I saw you yesterday and I wondered, does he ever think, "Oh my god, there she is!!!" ??

Crushes only crush you, falling only hurts you, and hearts will only break you if no one is there to sace you.

When I die, I'm going to write your name on a bullet so everybody knows that you were the last thing to go through my head...

When your heart gets broken, you tend to see cracks in everything else...

Hate is a four-letter word...Love is a four-letter lie.

Which hurts more:: thinking you hate him, or knowing you can't?!

I bet you'll never remember the things I'll never forget!!!!!

Let's go back to the beginning where I thought everything was okay...

It's hard to grow up in a world where you'll never be the pretty girl. Everyone else seems to have everything you've ever wanted, and your dreams always end up just one cloud away...

- -Nicole Lyn- -

I leave for Florida on Tuesday....woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!

   This is kind of confusing...and I never really thought too much about it until tonight, when I was in my room before I came online. While I still like Alan, there is this guy named Nick who I met about 3 years ago through a family friend, and I've always had a feeling for him, but I ignored it because I awas so young compared to him--and it wouldn't have mattered anyways what I thought and when. I've always been close to Nick, but after Alan came into the picture most of my feelings that I once had for Nick were gone...but now--they've come back, and even though I'm like--best friends with him, I still imagine a life together when the time comes...he could be the guy right under my nose and not knowing it...even though he's like 4-5 years older than me--who cares. Well, what everyone has said on the replies has made me a little bit more aware of how much I'm letting this get to me, that I could find someone way better, and I should probably get over Alan. It's a lot easier said than done though....but I'm really working on it now...even though until I get married or something like that, Alan will always have a place in my heart. I need to get over him, so I can move on and find someone else better than him, because everyone's replies made me really think of how much of an asshole Alan probably is. And when it comes to this--maybe he is. So back to Nick. This weekend him and a few of his relatives came over to our cabin on Friday night....well we talked a little bit that night, but not a lot. Well when we went over to his cabin on Saturday night, we played cards and then later my sister and I talked with him...it was great fun. Then tonight my sister asked me if I remembered (because I, too, had been drinking a little bit...but not enough to forget--not even close), when on Saturday night she kept looking at me and laughing, and I said yeah why, and she's like well it's because every time I would glance over at Nick--he'd be staring at you. I got the biggest grin on my face. Since I met him, I've always visioned a life of us together and dating, getting married, having kids, and so on.....I've never done that with Alan--at first I did though. My whole family (immediate), knows Nick's whole family (going as far as his aunts and uncles, and some other cousins), and we've only gotten closer over the past year or so, but I've still liked him since I met him. My first impression of him was that he was a rebel because of how he dressed and that he had his eyebrow pierced....once I got to know him I realized he's just the opposite....he's sweet, caring, nice to his parents, extremly good looking, funny--a lot of the qualities I look for in a guy. I don't know why it took me this long to realize that I've only spent my whole time while I knew him looking at other guys, when really--it's probably him I want the most. This weekend I got to know him more than I have before, and my sister said she thinks that he likes me...but I highly doubt it when it's coming from her mouth. I like Alan a lot, but I like Nick too...I don't know who to decide....when I get pictures of both of them I'll post them on here for you all to see, okay??? But first I gotta figure out how to get pictures on here lol.

   For my whole life I've tried to live up to my older sister...the things she's done, and how special people think she is (read the blog before this and see how badly it affected me). I can't do it though. I just can't. I've tried, and I can't. My parents expect me to be some star in their life, but I can't do that. I'm not going to suck up to teachers and everyone else like my older sister did, and I can't get close to the teachers either....it's not possible for me to do that--I've tried this year. She's always been the goody-goody girl and tells my parents everything that happens in her life...that may be easy for her, but for my whole life I've been shut out and now I bottle everything up until I get so angry that it all comes out at one time either in tears or I get crabby at my mom and dad...and I also think that's why I've become to be so shy too--my whole life being the middle child has affected me so much, and never got a word in because my sisters always inturrupted me or they talked all the time...I never got my time to shine when I was younger--people always talk about them and everything, but how come they can't just say one good thing about me. I've heard from two people that they're proud of me and what I've become, and that's my grandparents on my dad's side....and that's all I've heard about that. I've been let down so many times, been emotionally stressed, angry, quiet...everything caused from my family. I can't even talk to my own fucking mom about some things because even though she'll listen and care about it from either one of my sisters--she doesn't care when something like that happens to me. Now I don't even talk to my parents about personal stuff (my godmother knows more than they do), I sit in my room or I go outside where I can get away from my family (even though I hate being alone), and I'm very quiet at home. I can't live up to what they want me to be. And I think that's why I've gotten so tied up in my future and guys...I want to be something successful without them being able to say they helped me along the way--I can do it myself, and then they can finally be proud of me...after I'm old enough to live on my own they'll regret how they treated me. I try to be happy, and be the little girl they want me to be, but for them--it's only an act. My friends and some of my family (aunts/uncles, and cousins) are the only people who know the real me...and that's kind of sad. I hate having to say it, but it's totaly true. I can't be perfect. I can't always be the best. And most of all--they can't expect me to be everything they want me to be.

   Well, I'm done for now. I'm sorry for ranting all the time and my blogs being so long...it's just that I can't talk to anyone at home...so this is where I can let it all out.

- -Nicole Lyn- -

Tuesday I leave for Florida!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yesss...time away from this hell-hole!

   I'm leaving tomorrow...I'm so happy and excited I just can't help it!! Hopefully going to Florida for a week will help me clear my head...although I'll miss all of you, mindsay, and talking to friends all the time!!!!!! I leave tomorrow morning at 10:30...I'm really excited--I've never been on a plane, or been this far away from home--but at this point I'd be happy to go anywhere other than staying here!! I'll take pictures and maybe if I can figure out how to post them on here I will, okay??

   Well, goodnight...I know it's early for me, but my eyes hurt already and I'm sooooo tired!!! I'll post more when I get back...or if they have internet there I'll go on once and a while and tell ya how things are going!! Have a good week everyone...I won't be back until August 16th--don't miss me too much!! Haha, I'm just kidding--I'm not that special...

- -Nicole Lyn- -

Well guys, I'm back from Florida...it was a blast!! That was the funnest vacation I have ever been on!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll tell all about it tonight when I come online tonight...okay?? Sounds like a deal to me!!

Love ya all!!
- -Nicole Lyn- -

    Hey, sorry I didn't post last night--I fell asleep before 9pm because I was sooo tired. So I thought since I'm up this early I'll post about it now!!

    August 9th-- My sister and I got picked up at 10:30am and we were off to the airport. It didn't take long for us to get our luggage checked and go through security...and then we had an hour to burn before we could get on the plane. When we got on the plane and started going up it felt so cool. The whole ride felt like we were in a car...not flying lol. When we went down all our ears hurt (even though we were chewing gum), because it was raining so we were extremly high in the air to get above all that. So Hunter (almost 5), was crying and stuff...it was bad for him. When we got to the house (almost 7pm) in the Orlando-Kissimee area, we got all our luggage in the house and into our rooms, and then went swimming in the pool until midnight....only stopping to eat supper. It was really fun.

    August 10th-- My sister, Diane, and Hunterwent to Magic Kingom. I didn't really want to go, so we (Steve, Nancy, John, Lavonne, Scot, Katelyn and Lucas), went to Gaylord Palms. We had to say we were eating to get in, but we looked around the hotel....holy shit that was so pretty. I have tons of pictures of that, but they're not yet developed. After that we went back to the house, ate spaghetti, and swam until midnight. It was great fun.

    August 11th-- We (Steve, Nancy, John and I), left at about 9am to go to Universal Studios because we wanted to go on the rides rather than go with everyone else to Animal Kingdom. That was one of the funnest days. I was the only girl that went on the rides of our group, and the only one that was younger than 36. My favorite rides there were the HULK and the DRAGON::HOT and COLD ones. They're the only ones I screamed on in the beginning, and it was soooo much fun!! Later when we got back, we had hamburgurs and then went swimming in the pool again until midnight. And that night I found out I had a boyfriend too! Lavonne (Lucas and Katelyn's mom), came up to me while I was sitting at the edge of the pool and asked if I knew I have a boyfriend, and I said no, and she's like well Lucas just came up to me and told me you were his girlfriend, and yeah it was funny. The whole week I had to play along so that I wouldn't make him sad. He couldn't remember my name either...he just kept saying "Girlfriend" whenever he wanted my attention lol.

    August 12th-- Everyone went to Datona. First, we went to the Datona Raceway. Wow, that was huge. I got a smushed penny and a t-shirt there. It was pretty cool. Then we were off to the beach. When they say "salt water" they mean it...it's worse than putting salt in a glass of water....ICKY!!!!! It was amazing though..a lot of fun!! And once again...when we got back--we went swimming, but I think that night it was only til 11 because we were all tired.

    August 13th-- We went to the Flea Market that morning and found a lot of cool stuff...it was fun. I bought a dolphin picture frame, a glass square thingy that had an engraving in it (dolphins and it said Florida), postcards, a sandollar, and a fan thingy. It was great...fun stuff. This day we stayed home (other than the Flea Market), and celebrated Hunter's 5th birthday...even though it's today! But he wanted to have a party in Florida, so we had a spongebob cake and opened presents there. We swam until late that night too!

    August 14th-- Everyone went to the Wet 'N Wild waterpark that day. It was soo much fun, except I burnt the bottom of my feet because I left my flip-flops in one of the lockers, and couldn't find the person who had the key, so I just dealt with it. That was the only let-down of the day-----it was way hott and the ground was majorly hot, like-cooking egg hott lol. It was our last day there, so we made the best of it and went swimming and took out the glow-sticks (necklaces, and bracelets)...I don't think any of us made it to bed until 1 or 2 am...and we (Steve, Nancy, Diane, Erin-lil sis-, Hunter, and I), all knew we had to get up at 7am to eat breakfast and everything so we could head off to the airport.

    August 15th-- We woke up (well, got woken up), at 7am, ate breakfast, packed the last of our belongings, and headed off to the airport. It went really fast, and we had an hour and a half to burn before we could even board the plane. I didn't want to come home at all...it was soo much fun there, especially without my parents! There were tons of good times, lots of laughs, and tons of love.

    I think this vacation was good for me...I didn't have time to think about guys (Alan mostly), and it felt good. But as soon as we boarded the plane for home--I started thinking about all that again....it sucked. I'm still mad at Mary, but it's going to take a little while to get over that shock and everything...I just hope Alan doesn't like Mary back..I would cry so hard. I just hope I can get all the way over him...I think this week helped me a lot though because I didn't have time to think about him and everything else that's been bringing me down. Oh well...I'll eventually get over him...hopefully!

   Wow, that was a long entry....I had a great time, and was truely happy the whole time!!! Thanks for reading that...and thank you to everyone that has commented and helped me with everything--I appreciate it!!!

~Love ya~
- -Nicole Lyn- -

    Gosh this sucks...I think I'm getting an ear infection, because my right ear hurts (and now my left ear is starting to), really bad, and I can't close my mouth all the way, can't eat harder things, can't yawn, burp, touch it...gosh!! I hate it!! I hate this...my head feels like a big balloon, and it really blows!! It hurts so bad, I'm tired, but I can't fall asleep because I'm in pain. And guess what?! My parents don't even care...they know I'm in pain because I've mentioned it and it's obvious...and they don't care. I asked to go to the doctor's and get it checked out so it can feel better...and they just said no wait a week or something...man I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I wish I could go back to a time when everything felt right, and there was nothing that could hurt me--like when I was 5 maybe? I hate the feeling of regret and sadness I feel sometimes...like now. I like Alan..still..but I want to get over him really bad. I have gotten over him a little more while I was in Florida because I didn't have time to think about all that shit, but I sure wish I could just let this feeling go...get over him...let him go. I don't want to have to live like this--always feeling chained down by my emotions. I'm so sick of it. Somedays I feel like I'm not pretty enough, like I'm not good enough for any guy, like I'm never quite fit in and that I'm always fighting for a place where I belong. I need to let go. I need to move on. But I can't. I don't know why, but there's something inside of me that just won't let me let go. I want to. But I can't. Why is it that I always fall for the guys who couldn't care less about how I feel about them, and the ones that never like me back?! It totally confuses the hell outta me. I don't like being confused either. It's just...wow....I have a ton of things going through my head. I'd like to give up all this and start over, but I know I can't. Maybe I just need to have some time with friends again...I miss them and all the talks we have about stupid things, and the stuff we do together. I miss that. I miss being happy....carefree....having nothing to worry about....I wish it would go back to that. I want life to change again...except this time for the better instead of for the worst...

    The one thing I want to go back to school for is to see friends again...I miss them sooooo much. I've been really busy this summer, so I haven't gotten to hang out with the ones I've wanted to. And that sucks.

    My eyes are burning, but I can't fall asleep....I'm tired, but my ears hurt and I can't fall asleep with pain.

    Well, I have nothing better to write, so I'm going to go......hopefully I feel better tomorrow or my parents will have to deal with a cranky little girl tomorrow night!!!!!

_____G'nite_____
  - -Nicole Lyn- -

You know what?! I should be used to this by now--my parents not caring when something's wrong with me...but honestly, I'm not. I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm just stressed, don't feel well, and I'm in pain (in my heart also). This sucks. I should be used to being always treated like crap though...I've dealt with it my whole life--why would it be any different now?! I'm the middle child..and a lot of middle children aren't treated the best, so I guess with everything that's been going on...it's just how it is. Why can't I just realize it?! I don't know. I'm confused.

- -Nicole Lyn- -

   I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs lately, and I'm not the only one who feels like this. I want to hate Alan so bad, but I just can't. It bugs the hell out of me. I'm sick of waiting for the day that I'll be able to get over Alan for good. It always seems like I'm waiting to get over someone...too bad it can't go faster this time!! This year, I want to be able to start the school year off with a fresh new slate, and not have to worry about all that has gone on this summer...I want to be able to forget it all, but I know it doesn't just happen like that. Maybe some guy will catch my eye this year and become my boyfriend, and make it really easy to forget about my feelings for Alan....but I highly doubt that...I'm not that special. A lot of guys seem to think I'm special, but no one ever falls for me that is different than the rest--they all seem the same lately. I just...oh, what the hell--what DO I know?! Someday this will all be behind me, and Alan will be regretting that he didn't give me that second chance....he'll be the one saying, "Damn, that girl really loved me! And look what I've lost..." for once. I'll be the happy one in a great relationship, and he'll regret what he lost...and I won't feel bad about it, because look at how he's made me feel lately!!! I'm hopefully going to be done writing about him soon...because you all are probably getting pretty sick and tired of hearing about all this.....and for that--I'm so sorry.

    This weekend is going to be really boring for me...I have nothing to do at this moment....but I think me and Trivia are going to hang out. I'm just not too sure yet.

    Next weekend me and my sister are going to a resort with some of the same people who took us to Florida with them, so I'm going to have fun...and there are going to be a lot of other people there too. I get to hang out with Troy, Brittney, and Lee again...and I guess there's a kid who looks like Nick and he's my age too....but yeah. I'm excited to be able to hang out with Troy and his girlfriend, and Lee again!!!! It's going to be a blast!

    Well, maybe I'll post more later...I get to go to the doctor and get something for my ears tonight--yay, no more pain there!!!....only in my heart....

- _Nicole Lyn_-

I sort of have to put this in here, but unless we're on a good friend basis, don't expect great answers..since I don't know you on that level.

1. Reply with your name, and I shall write something random and maybe a tad witty about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. Or you remind me of.
3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. Or maybe pudding if I'm feeling particularly adventurous. Depends....
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me. Or at least I'll attempt to.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you. Or.... the earliest I can remember. Or just some super memorable moment. (This one is void if I've only known you for like...2 days or something.)
6. I will tell you what plant or animal you remind me of. Because, after all, plants are alive, too. Just easier to catch.
7. I will then ask something I've always wondered about you. Or..yeah. Nevermind. I'll ask that, although the "always" is relative to how long I've known you.
8. Put this in your Mindsay.

     I couldn't remember what the song was a few months ago, but when Alan was going out with Jordyn, this song totally described the way I felt. Some parts don't, but the rest does...and some still applies to how I feel right now.

Why Should I Care
By:: Sara Evans

Why should I care if you
Found somebody new
And you look like you're in love

And why should I care if she
Looks a lot like me
And she's all you've ever dreamed of

I didn't care enough to keep you around
So tell me why should I care now

I was the one who let you go
I never told you that I loved you
I couldn't promise anything
The way you needed me to
Oh, my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care
I just do

So why should I care if I mean nothing in your eyes
What you felt for me is gone
Oh, oh, and why would I feel that way
Now that's it's too late to change what I did wrong

Oh, I didn't care enough to keep you around
So baby, tell me why should I care now

I was the one who let you go
I never told you that I loved you
I couldn't promise anything
The way you needed me to
Oh, my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care
Well, I just do

Oh, my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care
I just do...

     I stole my mom's cd and listened to it over and over again today when I found out that was who it was. I probably shouldn't have listened to it because it brought back many memories, but I did. I hate myself now for doing that, because I still like Alan a lot, and it made me remember all the times we had when we were together...and how much I regret breaking up with him last summer. And maybe the reason why I care so much for him is because I've liked him so long, and he has a part of my heart....something I don't know if I'll get back any time soon.

     I don't know if I'm going to be online tonight to those of you who I talk to on yahoo or msn, because my dad's work is having a party like they do every summer, and I'm going. I don't know how late I'll be back, but if I'm back early enough then I'll come online. I'm so sure you'll miss one of my beautiful entries that I do every night...not.

- -Nicole Lyn- -