I don't know what got into me last night, but now I can't stop thinking about some of the things. And I heard a song this morning, cuz I was bored and turned on CMT but I shouldn't have because there were like 5 songs in a row that made me sad (I usually hate country). Wow, and then I started crying...I hate crying, but I don't know what got into me. The first song that came on was Bring Me Down by Miranda Lambert....it made me think about Alan, and that's not a good place for my thoughts to wander anymore. It makes me sad. So I had tears in my eyes, and I was trying so hard not to let them fall down my face, and I succeeded at that point. The second song was Stay Gone by Jimmy Wayne. I hadn't heard that song in a LONG time. It made me mad kind of because I felt like I was fine again for a few seconds, and then the watery eyes came back to me. I really do like Alan, and I don't want to...at all. The third song was If You Don't Wanna Love Me by Cowboy Troy. I hate hearing this song because it's sad, and sometimes it pumps me up and makes me feel good because in the end he'll be the one hurt because eventually I won't like him anymore and he'll be in the position I am right now...if that time ever comes anyways. The fourth song was Like We Never Loved At All by Faith Hill. It was the first time I heard that song, and wow. I so badly want to force Alan to listen to this song, but I know as soon as he knows it's country he'll refuse anyways. Oh well. I'll just sit here and try to get over him but not succeed. Trivia told me that Jordyn (his ex), was at homecoming (in CC), on Friday and he was talking to her and everything and kind of ignoring Trivia. New Hampton wasn't even the town they were playing! Gosh she's retarded. And Trivia was the one Alan should've been talking to in the first place because she was only going to be there for that day and half of the next. And I guess she (jordyn), was flirting with him, and he was back. If he falls for her again I can only say that he'll get hurt, because she broke up with him because she couldn't trust him....she'll never trust him if she couldn't back then. She's stupid. And the last song was Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney. This one has nothing to do with love, but it made me think of my aunt Terry because she died from cancer when she was 35 years old....that's too young to die, too young to get a disease like that. This song was the one that made me cry the most....the tears just rushed out.

     Thank God my family wasn't home because if they saw that I was crying I would have to explain everything, and I really don't want to. Everything (not just about Alan and death), has just been piling on my shoulders and I think I just needed a good cry for once, and when no one's home is the best time cuz I can let it all out and not have to answer any questions or anything.

     Well, I don't really know what else to put in here, I can't type anymore because at the moment I don't know what to write.

- -Nicole Lyn- -

I am a daughter hiding my depression. I am a big sister making a good impression. I am your friend acting like I'm fine. I am a teenager pushing her tears aside. I am the girl sitting next to you. I am the one asking you to care. I am your best friend hoping you'll be there...